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21 and frightened

Posted by Amy on 28 August 2014.

Last December I met my current boyfriend and due to his circumstances at the time I allowed him to move in with me straight away. I genuinely do not believe he had a drug addiction when I first met him although only a couple of months into our relationship I began to notice things were a little odd but never once believed what I was witnessing were infact signs of heroin addiction. In hindsight the evidence was all there. 
  The black smudges on the wooden floor in the bathroom off his cooking spoon I put down to makeup. Maybe I had dropped my eyeliner and it had marked the floor. I assumed he was cold at night times when he slept in his jumper to cover his track marks. I thought I was just going mad when I was counting my spoons and I felt the same when I was counting my money. 
 Eventually I found a syringe packet and after finding a cigarette with no filter in days before, I confronted him about it, I didnt shout or get mad, I assured him he could tell me anything yet the explanation he offered was that he had been using steroids and that's where the packet had come from. I chose to believe him, although because I studied as a nurse I knew the type of needle was for using on veins and that steroids go in to muscle. He became very quiet following this incident and said things like 'how can you not trust me?', 'do you really think i'd lie to you' . It is as if he needed to make me feel bad inside to rid himself of the guilt he may have suffered for lying to me
  Only a few days after this I arranged to meet him outside of a local supermarket after I'd finished work. I waited for an hour. My mum then phoned me to tell me she had discovered him on the bathroom floor unconcious and it had taken her ten minutes to waken him. I ran home, my mum was waiting for me outside, when I went into the bathroom he was sitting on the toilet with his head in his hands. I felt sick to my stomach, he didn't want to speak to me, he just wanted to get in bed. By the side of the toilet I found a spoon, alongside the cigarette filter and the used needle with the remains of the brown liquid in the syringe. My mum was waiting outside of the bathroom, out of concern I think rather than curiousity, so I hid the evidence and led him to the bedroom, before convincing my mum he had gotten in that state through drink. 
  It killed me having to lie to my mum, she is the person who raised me single handedly and means the most in the world to me, but at the same time I felt I needed to hear him out before I got other people involved. 
  He admitted he had been injecting heroin for two months after experimenting with various other highs, legal and illegal, to ease his depression and insomnia. He said 'the first time I injected myself was supposed to be the last', and although I believed him, I still felt betrayed that his 'one off' decision had led to the sickness, anxiety and shock I was feeling. 
 Five months later he is now on a methadone programme. It has not been easy and he is still a regular user. Sometimes when we are strapped for cash and he becomes ill from withdrawals, he understandably gets very irritated and restless, but unfortunately this will often result in him becoming angry at me, he says nasty things and although he has never actually touched me, becomes very aggressive. I tell myself over and over again that this is the drugs, it isn't him, I try to imagine the pain he is suffering, the anxiety he is feeling, and so I never get mad with him. I cry when I am on my own and away from him. I don't think he considers how his drug use affects me, which perhaps is quite selfish of him, even on his 'happy' days I cannot talk about it with him as he becomes very defensive. 
  I feel as if I have been so understanding and supportive of him, yet he is unable to listen to how I feel. He cannot swallow his pride and talk about his habit. He is very ashamed and I respect that, but I have no one else in the whole world to open up to. 
  I don't define him by his drug addiction, and it has never been in my nature to judge anyone suffering any sort of addiction. I love and respect him for the person I know he is. Although we've been together only less than a year, our relationship is so intense because of all the things we have been through, I care very much about him and the fear of getting that knock on the door, or worse still, finding his dead body in my bathroom is consuming me. This being said, I enable his drug addiction, it hurts me to admit it, handing him money breaks my heart, but as some of you may know, it is not that easy. I can not see him resort to breaking into houses, robbing or anything like that to fund his addiction, which is what I know will happen if I do not help him pay for his habit. 
  I am in a very lonely and confused place at the moment. Reading back on my story I feel embarrassed, and almost stupid. We haven't even been together than long so why am I so bothered? Why do I choose to forgive someone who has stolen from me? Why do I feel so inclined to enable his drug addiction, in an attempt to stop him from getting into trouble with the law? How can i continuously put his feelings before mine, over and over again in a situation he created (whether he intended to or not)?
 I really want a happy and normal life, I want to have my own house and children, I want to have enough money to go on little holidays and to treat myself with, I want to go to work and not worry about what I am going to find when I get home, and I want him to be a part of it .. I know I can't have this for as long as I am with him and he is on heroin. 
 So do I stick by him and suffer the drug use and everything that comes with it until he manages to become clean, or do I just leave him to fend for himself whilst I get on with my life and start trying to achieve the things I want to? 
 Am I being naive to think things will ever change?

Comments

CANT TAKE NO MORE
28 Aug 2014

Hey Ami...I really want to hug you right now...what I'm going to say May not be what you want to hear, but you can't save him...he has to want to save himself...as a mother of an addict( alcohol and cocaine, m cat,  legal highs) I have seen it all....I have cried till I had no more tears to cry, I've got angry, I've withdrawn.....and their addiction hits you like a brick wall, almost suffocates you...it took me 4 years to firstly admit to myself he had a problem, and then to STOP enabling him and set out house rules...at the moment my son is really trying hard to get his act together...he had a relapse last week, but was so angry with himself after and is back on the road to TRYING to stay sober / clean....and he has my full support...but it has come at a price...prison, family members turning their back, etc....stop enabling him now...and do it today...love is never enough....I'm not saying don't support him, but addicts manipulate, lie thieve and make those around them feel just as bad....you sound such a caring young woman, who has a great future...unfortunately that future will be a distant memory if you stay with him whilst he is still addicted....cause they suck everything out of you! I hope against hope he values his life enough to want to work at getting clean...it's a life long commitment! Hugs to you hunny, and do what you think is right for YOU......here if you need to chat xxx

sk
28 Aug 2014

run run run i would'nt wish this life on my worst enemy it never gets better if u want a life leave this man and save yourself take it from the partner of an herion addict. please its not too late for u x

desperado!
29 Aug 2014

It must be so hard for you! You..like so many others have fallen in love with someone..only to be left feeling empty and betrayed. I understand  totally hiw you feel albeit my situatiin is slightly different but having an overwhelming need to protect our loved ones. I agree with thise that say 'leave', 'run' ...but its never tgat simple otherwise there would be no issue? I would seriously seek some kind of counceling for yourself...if you want a life with a house and kids then you not going to achieve it with your boyfriend....it will always be you playing second fiddle to the dreaded drug....I feel for you :0(

Amy
29 Aug 2014

It has crossed my mind so many times to ban him from my house, but my fear is he will turn to his 'friends', meaning his drug dealer and other heroin addicts he's met through his addiction. I'm frightened he will end up using more and more because of the people he's around, becoming involved in crime, or end up living in a squat. 
  I know my worries will not go away if I'm not with him, I'll worry more about where he is and if he's okay, he's told me so many times that I am his rock, and he would have nothing without me, but is this just another manipulative tactic?
  I know he has cut down a lot since starting the methadone, and he does adhere to their care plan, NA meetings and counselling and such. He is trying but it doesn't stop how I am feeling. One 'bad' hit could kill him and I think he's in denial of that. 
  I just feel as if I can't win. Aside from this, albeit a massive issue, our relationship is perfect. We have a lot in common, we can lay in bed all day and laugh at nothing, he has been a shoulder for me to cry on through struggles of my own, he's protected and stood up for me when I most needed it, i've never felt as loved by another person. I don't want this addiction to get the better of us as a couple, but i know that if things dont change then it will.
  I am hanging on to that hope, but for how long? 
  I feel very bitter towards him for getting me into this situation, it being intentional or not, I know it's going to stay with me forever. If we split i'll always be wondering 'what if?' and if we dont and he does manage to become clean, I'll always have that doubt somewhere, and that makes me feel very guilty. 
  I don't know, I am just very confused and it's making me lonely. Some days I will tell him to pick up 2 or 3 days worth of drugs just so that for that 48 hours I do not have to hear about it, I dont have to watch him leave the house to meet a drug dealer, I can almost pretend its not happening and have happy two days. 
  Like I said, I don't know how to feel or what to do. I'm worried people will put it down to my age and because it is my first real relationship, that I am being silly, naive and prehaps even childish?
  I've not gone into this thinking it's going to be easy, I knew it was going to be hard, but I was prepared to see it through, just now, only a few months in, I am seeing no end to it.
  Thank you all for your comments, it is nice to talk to people who can relate to me, I have mentioned it to very close friends but they do not understand the way it feels to be so much in love with someone who has such a destructive habit. 
  I really appreciate you all xx

sk
30 Aug 2014

I was around probably 18 when my partner started using I had already been with him 4yrs by then, it then took me another nieve 5 yrs to find evidence (it was always there I just chose to ignore it) and still another 9 years on things have'nt changed promises broken heart broken 18yrs of my life wasted on a man who loves something else more then me thats why I told you to run because its always there eating away at you, you will always be wondering what is he doing looking for signs. Hindsight would have been a wonderful thing for me. Other people dont have a clue about things if they are not going through it themselves people are so quick to judge because its easy to do that when your not in the same situation do telling close friends wont really help you. Anyway I hope you make the rite decision for you. Take care x

sk
30 Aug 2014

I was around probably 18 when my partner started using I had already been with him 4yrs by then, it then took me another nieve 5 yrs to find evidence (it was always there I just chose to ignore it) and still another 9 years on things have'nt changed promises broken heart broken 18yrs of my life wasted on a man who loves something else more then me thats why I told you to run because its always there eating away at you, you will always be wondering what is he doing looking for signs. Hindsight would have been a wonderful thing for me. Other people dont have a clue about things if they are not going through it themselves people are so quick to judge because its easy to do that when your not in the same situation do telling close friends wont really help you. Anyway I hope you make the rite decision for you. Take care x

sk
30 Aug 2014

I was around probably 18 when my partner started using I had already been with him 4yrs by then, it then took me another nieve 5 yrs to find evidence (it was always there I just chose to ignore it) and still another 9 years on things have'nt changed promises broken heart broken 18yrs of my life wasted on a man who loves something else more then me thats why I told you to run because its always there eating away at you, you will always be wondering what is he doing looking for signs. Hindsight would have been a wonderful thing for me. Other people dont have a clue about things if they are not going through it themselves people are so quick to judge because its easy to do that when your not in the same situation do telling close friends wont really help you. Anyway I hope you make the rite decision for you. Take care x

sk
30 Aug 2014

Sorry dont know why its on 3 x but at least you can read it over n over lol x

Icarus_Trust
31 Aug 2014

Hi Amy,
I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling, but there is support out there for both of you - and it sounds like you really need it as this sort of thing cannot be more difficult than on your own. The charity is called The Icarus Trust and they are fantastic. You can go to their website: www.icarustrust.org or email them on info@icarustrust.org. These people are fully qualifies and there for you. I really think they can help.

I wish you the very best and I hope it all gets better for you soon!

Hope heart
5 Sep 2014

Hi Amy
You have been amazing, but you must remember to keep yourself well and safe, guess what? you count too! Get the right support for yourself and encourage your loved one toward recovery and do not engage in his addictive behaviour but above all you are not to blame you didn't cause his addiction and unfortunately are unable to cure him. Check if there are any support groups near you, you may feel scared to attend but you cannot beat the relief of talking to others who truly understand. All the best x

Kf
7 Sep 2014

I know exactly what your going through and I really feel for you, it's not easy. I have been in the same situation and let me assure you it doesn't get better, it only gets worse. You will never have that 'normal life' you crave he will just suck you in and bleed you dry, I'm talking from experience here I was with a heroin addict for 8 years! 8 years I spent thinking I could change him! When things were good they were really good but in reality the bad times outweighed the good times I just struggled to see this whilst with him. We have a mortgage and a child together and have recently just split, I couldn't take anymore!! His drug use was having and impact on me and our little boy so I fled for our safety. He has lied, stole, hit me not to mention the large amount of debt he has racked up which I am jointly several for. I have been categorised as high risk for physical, mental and emotional abuse by woman's aid and I have little confidence in myself for which my ex is responsible for. Please get out of this quickly. Heroin destroys life's! Not just the person that is using!  Heroin has destroyed my life and I have witnessed many things over the years no one should have to see. Whatever you decide I hope it works out for you x

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