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3am and so sad about my daughter's relapse

Posted by Clare b on 13 August 2014.

My lovely daughter had ADHD as a child  at the age of 14 she started using cannabis and pills. By 16 she was addicted to heroin and had several suicide attempts. she would steal and lie.  We tried everything. She had runaway from home several times. I found her one night almost comatose.  She refused to come home but sat in my car trying to get me to give her money. Eventually she fell asleep so I carefully drove her home which is miles away into the country. The next day she broke down and asked for help. We got her into a private rehab for six weeks. After which she had a naltrexone implant.  She started attending NA and met a man (she was 18). They moved in together and she got pregnant. When my grandson was 6 months old and she was pregnant again they both relapsed. She got help and was ok for a while but they both relapsed again  during her pregnancy. Both went on methadone. They detoxes off this but relapsed.  They were due to have another implant so we took them to Scotland for a week as they couldn't have the implant if they showed any opiates in the drug test.   One night they disappeared. Leaving us with the children. They managed to find heroin in the highlands!  They got hold of some Valium to help with withdrawals but as we were driving through a big city on the way to the implant centre my daughter tried to jump out of the car.  When we got to the hotel near the implant centre she did a runner  she came back and said she had used.  I locked her shoes and clothes in the safe. She started banging her head against the wall making a large hole. They both had their implant. But within months they started to use again. He got into trouble with the police and ended up in prison. She started using cocaine and heroin.  I  Ihad the grandchildren staying with me but went to visit her when they were at nursery. I found her unconsiois with a heroin over dose. She ended up on the high dependency unit for several days. Her arm began to swell as she had lain on it in her coma   She developed compartment syndrome and they had to cut her arm from top  to bottom. She had already had two absesses from injecting and nearly lost  one of her  arms. In fact they thought she might have anthrax. The children we're put on the child protection register and placed in our care. Eventually they improved and got the children back. But then relapsed  so the children came back to is again for a while.  They were due to start a treatment at the clinic. I drove them there but they walked off to go and score leaving me with the children. Eventually they did start the treatment and got the children back. But they did not trust each other. One day my daughter disappeared with the children. She came back but her partner had had enough so they split up. I helped her get a flat. He kept the children as she was chaotic. I helped her get a flat  but before long she started getting into trouble with the police and demanding money. She was very manipulative and I was too soft. She would phone in the middle of the night saying there were dealers banging on her window.  Gradually she started losing her friends.  On New Year's Eve she found herself alone and was sitting on her bed surrounded by needles and crack pipes etc. she drove for three hours to our house and was in a bad way.  We decided to give her a chance and encouraged her to stay with us. We had three other children as well. She agreed and did brilliantly. During this time our grand children's father had a breakdown in the muddle if the night and insisted we took the youngest child. We informer social services and they visited. He was so aggressive they removed the older child and brought him to us. They have stayed with us ever since. My daughter did great for 5 months but one night she disappeared for several days and stole a large amount if money from our account. She came back saying she  had reformed a  relationship with the boy she used heroin with when she was 16 and wanted him to be part if the family. She admitted she had relapsed   We said she could come back but there would be no chance if having this person around the kids. She decided she would rather be with him and disappeared again.  She turned up in the middle if the night a few days later.  She had been using .  Social services had warned us if she used she would have to leave our home.  It was agonising but I had to ask her to leave. She grabbed a knife from the kitchen and threatened to kill herself. She drove off a very high speed and called us to say she was going to drive into a wall. We called the police as we were so scared. She ended up getting arrested. I found her the next day when she was released and managed to persuade her to go to rehab. She didn't last llong and was kicked out. She made contact with friends and was very chaotic for a while. Eventually she settled down and met someone. He had a history of cannabis heels and domestic violence.  She got pregnant and had another child. The social services said she could not be on her own when the baby was born because of their histories so she went and stayed with my first husband and his wife whilst they assessed them. It has taken 10 months to assess them. She was doing really well and had a negative hair drug test.  He continued to use cannabis which did not go down well with social services. One night they were at friends and she gor very drunk and aggressive and had a go at him for smoking cannabis. It escalated and the police got  involved.   She ended up disappearing for several days and relapsing. I was on holiday at the time. I was shocked when I saw her when we got home. She came out in her pyjama bottoms and no shoes. Her leg was very swollen   Probably from injecting in her veins.   Her face was a mess.  She is staying with a friend and has been told she can only see her baby once a week in a contact centre .  She continues to use and lie. Most of her friends and family have disowned her. She is staying with a girl who is an ex coke addict. She keeps asking for money. She   Says she owes dealers money and her friends landlord is threatening to throw them out. And the dealers are at the door. Before I know it she has manipulated me again and left me feeling awful. She is lovely. A beautiful person  but hidden now underneath the horribleness of drugs. Her friend tells me she us mixing heroin with cocaine and alcohol.  My heart is aching for the beautiful girl with a huge smile .  I really thought she had beaten it this time.  I don't know what to do . She has a new flat hat needs work.  I live 3 hours away but I find it so hard to say no  when she needs help. I can't sleep at night. She has lost three children now though drugs. She is devastated   She seems to able to be well for no more than 18 months and then it all falls apart again. It is so sad. Please excuse the length of this and the poor spelling. Any advise? Should I help her set up her flat , should I pay her drug debts - if I she will be threatened or worse. It is now 4.30 am. I am going to try and get some sleep.

Comments

sk
13 Aug 2014

Hi can I just say first of all how amazing you are.

I personally think enough is enough you have done everything you can for her and been there for her through thick and thin. I know it must be really difficult for you but its time for your daughter to stand on her own two feet she knows exactly what she is doing and how to pull on your heart strings thats just what addicts do. Its time for change you need to think about yourself for a change and your other family members and step back. She will know you will be worried about her and no one can say you have'nt tried your best for your child but there is only so much you can do. I think its time she got herself sorted out without your help, you have done enough. 

I really wish you well. Take care xx

CANT TAKE NO MORE
14 Aug 2014

Oh my..what a truly wonderful parent you are....I only wonder when it will end whilst you continue to enable...and as for the rest of your family, its such a shame you all have to endure her pain on a regular basis... BUT, there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough...Addicts are manipulators, liars, thieves and until she can put someone before herself then I would let her get on with it.....Im interested to know who pays for her car?? I really hope you start to concentrate on yourself and the rest of the family xxxx

Clare b
15 Aug 2014

Thanks for your comments. I got good at not been manipulated during her last relapse but this one caught me off guard. It is hard because she has mental health problems and is adopted. But I know you are right. I get angry with myself when I fall for it again. Two nights ago her friend who she is staying with called to say she (the friend) was being held in the car of a drug dealer and being threatened because of my daughter's debts.  This friend is fed up with my daughter I gave in and paid the debt transferred money to her account.  I could hear the dealer threatening. Not sure if this is one big charade and I was a mug again. I told her friend no more. Anyway my daughter has admitted now she needs to get some help. I gave her the numbers for the drug service. I just hope she uses it. I have been so good at detaching over last few years. I feel like I have relapsed!  I went on a one day course a couple of years ago aimed at helping families to stop enabling. It was really useful. I might do it again - I think I need to!  Thanks so much again xxxx

CANT TAKE NO MORE
15 Aug 2014

Ive heard it all...the wanting to kill themselves, the people after them, the dire BS........I withdrew from it all, and stopped all communication ....that hurt him the most, and he then knew he had to sort himself out, if he ever wanted to be the father he kept saying he was...He is at this moment keeping appointments with counselors, medical staff, recruitment consultants...he had all but deleted the so called friends he hung out with...We know its hard, we know at any time he could relapse, and we know this is HIS fight......Im apprehensive, scared and at the same time hopeful.....and when I see him, he is clear eyed looking healthier and calm..I can converse with him, laugh and see he is trying....Today he rang me in the morning inviting me to breakfast....he had been to the job centre, then had a 30 minute training session on interviewing skills...I know it doesnt sound alot, but I felt proud of him..I could have burst....he ended the phone call by telling me he loved me......now that in itself is a mamoth step forward...

Clare b
16 Aug 2014

I really admire how strong you have been. It must have been heartbreaking for you.  So pleased things are going well at the moment. I really hope this continues for you. A counsellor once told me try to enjoy the good times because relapse may never happen but if it does you know you are strong enough to cope. Xx

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