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A long year later .....

Posted by Franticmum on 3 December 2014.

Hi its been a while now since I wrote on here, its twelve months since we were sat in the hospital after my son had overdosed, thankfully he survived and agreed to go into rehab to try to get a grip on his addiction, sadly it all soon went wrong and after heartbreaking months of trying to support him it all came to the point where he had to choose a life of drugs or have the support of all of his family, after over 17 years of trying to help him change his life i just couldnt take any more, i havent seen or been in contact with him for over 9 months, not a day goes by that i dont think of him, i dont know where he is or what he is up to, and the not knowing is nearly as bad as living with the fallout of his drug fuelled actions.  
As christmas fast approaches and also his 35th birthday next week, i have a feeling inside that something dreadful is about to happen, where is he? What is he up to? Is he ok? ........ These are questions with no answers, the police and missing persons view is that he has chosen to disappear and so there is nothing they can help with, Ok he is a grown man but he still my boy, its destroying me inside, as much as his past actions have, 
I have so much to be thankful in my life and family that I treasure, and in my darkest moments they have helped me get through,  so how can one person cause so much hurt to so many? 
I hate hate hate heroin and the dealers who ruin so many lives, what is it that makes the addict keep going back to it time after time even though they know the suffering that it bring to loved ones? 
I pray every night that I will hear from my son if only to know he is still alive........

Comments

CANT TAKE NO MORE
3 Dec 2014

Hey Frantic mum...hugs Hunni...so sorry you still haven't heard anything.....my heart goes out to you. I know it must be hard, so won't post any cliche comments..here for you my love if and when you need that shoulder.....hugs Hunni xxxxxxx

CANT TAKE NO MORE
4 Dec 2014

If you need any support Hunni im here xxx

Franticmum
5 Dec 2014

Hi Susie hope you re well, thank you for yor kind words and continued support.  I ve not been on here for a while had a really bad summer health wise and am slowly beginning to recover, Im not sure what life will throw at me next, I keep getting up only to be knocked down again.
Anyway enough of the self pity it doesnt help at all, 
At the moment i seem to be torn by wondering where my son is and how he is coping to feeling glad that at least i am spared all the violence and lies and all that comes with his addiction. My life is a lot more stable now but still i cant forget about him, every meal i sit down to eat i wonder if he has enough food etc, 
I feel there is no happy ending in sight, its a no win situation, even if he suddenly appeared i dont think i will ever be able to trust him again, 
Ive been thinking a lot over the past few days, reliving the past (not wise I know) from him being 17 to about 26 he lived a drug fueled life stealing, shoplifting, burglaries, resulting in prison, then he started on the first of many rehabs, up to him being 32 it was a right roller coaster of relapses rehab stealing, lies etc etc etc, suddenly he then did a complete turn around set himself up in a lovely little flat accepted help from professionals and slowly the son I had lost began to shine through, and just when I let my guard down and started trusting him wham did it kick off big time the worse by far, and now at almost 35 he is gone again, i really dont know if ive got the strength for it all any more, and honestly i resent him and all that he has done to all my family.
Sorry ive rambled again, im just pouring my thoughts down, i feel so sad because his life could have been so much better his two brothers have achieved so much in spite of the turmoil of their teenage years and its made us all so much closer as a family but there is one member missing and we all feel it, every celebration etc hes like the "elephant " in the room 
Anyway my dear enough of me now how are you doing? I hope things are still good have you heard anything from Fiona? I often think of you both.
Im off to try to get some sleep now just looked at the clock and its nearly half one, sending you huge squishy cyber hugs hunni take care and keep strong 
Love and hugs 
Sue xxx

Icarus Trust
5 Dec 2014

Hi,
Can understand how dreadful it is for you not knowing where or how your son is. A really horrible place to be.
I'm so glad that you are close to your other sons and you get support from people you talk to on the blog.
If you want any other support from people who have  been through same as you, then at Icarus Trust we do have experienced trained volunteers who you can talk to. We are a charity that offers a free service so please talk to us if you think it would help. 
 You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Wishing you all the best.

fifi65
5 Dec 2014

Ah Sue, I am still here love!! pop in every now and then always hoping to see if you're ok and Susie .. I literally just left a message on Susie's post asking after you and then low and behold you have posted yourself.. So sorry thing's aren't different for you where your boy is concerned :( It is even worse this time of the year I know, I pray you hear something just to ease your mind a bit.. He will be ok Sue, it is that drug ( heroin) that has took away his concern for others we both know that xxx

CANT TAKE NO MORE
7 Dec 2014

Sue n fifi, both of you helped me get through some dark days.....addiction is a curse and anyone who is in the throws of it, is a slave to it....Friday night my son relapsed again....I had a feeling when he came to see me..call it mothers intuition...he rang Saturday and said yet again he had made a wrong choice.....I haven't said anything....I know it's one day and his relapses are getting more and more far apart, and I know it's part of recovery, but I'm mad as hell...hense why I haven't said snything..I read a poignant post from an ex addict on another group which resonated with me...my words just add to the addicts failure....so my mouth is tightly shut....I feel his disappointment, but I know he has it in him to change his life...if only he knew it too....so when he decides to talk about it. I shall recommend as always added support.....through the support given,I have learned to switch off,because I know when an addict has it in their mind to have one last go at their drug of choice. There's nothing I can say to change his mind....recovery is a path of twists and turns.....ahhhh well, sending both of you a peaceful time, think of your own well being, because we cannot control anyone's actions but our own..that's a hard lesson for any mother...hugs xxxxx

sad and tired
22 Jan 2015

Hi so sorry to hear that you still have not heard from your son....stay strong sweetheart, you are not alone.xx

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