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A mothers never-ending love

Posted by little lamb on 31 March 2013.

I watch her from my window as she walks toward my apartment. I no longer see my daughter when I look at her. She has become someone I don't know, a stranger almost. Even her walk is different now. I knew something was going on with her in  the beginning of 2012. She usually called home at least once a day but she suddenly stopped last year. At first I questioned what I had done to upset her so bad that she'd stop calling but I soon found out it wasn't anything I had done. Instead, it was her own decisions that came between our mother/daughter bond. I received a phone call on March 17th 2012 from our local hospital. The nurse informed me that 'Grace' was being life-flighted out by helicopter to Nashville she had overdosed and tried commiting suicide.  They had pumped her stomach  up here as much as they could but she was still in a critical condition because apparently she had took 65 xanax bars after shooting up 200 miligrams of morphine in her veins! That was the worst day of my life. Of course as any mother would do I rushed to her side not leaving her alone for a single second. She was in such a drug induced coma that it took 3 days before she became coherent again. The doctor that treated her at Nashville said he couldn't promise me that she would wake up and if she did wake up she may be child-like again and need to relearn everything. By the grace of God my Grace awoke late into day 3. The first thing she said to me was "Mom, what happened? Where are we?" I tried to explain what had happened the best way I knew how. She becomes angry when I say that her friend Jenny found her after her suicide attempt. She screams and yells at me like I am nothing to her anymore! Angry for the allegations of suicide... saying she done what she done only for a good high, never meaning for it to take her life. On day 7 the doctor signs the release and says I can bring her home but she has to agree to see a drug counselor and psychiatrist. She agrees and so we come home. Two weeks come and go without any sign of her doing as she was told, she takes no responsibility and decides to leave home once again.  Months went by without as much as a phone call from her. I call her friends that I know but no one has seen or heard from her. I go to our local police station to report her missing. The sheriff asks if I had been to the county morgue and ask to see any of the jane doe's that has been brought in lately. I couldn't believe what I had just heard him say. I hadn't let that option cross my mind. He escorts me to the morgue and asks if there has been any jane doe's brought to him in the past 3 months. My heart pounding so hard I could see my shirt move around my chest. Luckily he hadn't had any jane doe's or john doe's. The sheriff agrees to get the word out that if she is seen to report her where abouts to him. Another long month passes without any sign of her. I begin thinking she may be in another state by that time. Her father and I soon began arguing alot due to our stress levels and start talk of divorce.  It is not something I want to happen so I tried to make things better if for just the 2 of us. He passed away before I could make it better for us. His heart had to much heartache. He couldn't heal it and so his death was from a broken heart. I awoke in the middle of the night and went down stairs to see what he was doing. That's where I found him! He had pulled out our family album of Grace and us. He died after turning the page in the album to her senior prom. He had a heart attack in the recliner looking at our precious daughter.  Grace showed up at the funeral home. I never ask how she had heard about her fathers passing... it wasn't what was important. I was glad she showed up. She was around 100lbs. then. She was always slim but her normal weight stay between 125-135 lbs. My daughter was a walking skeleton. She stayed for the whole celebration that was planned for her father as we gathered to remember him. He was such a good loving father! He made mistakes just as we all do but for the life of me I can't remember 1 thing he ever made a mistake of with Grace! He was her guidance, her strength, her hero and friend! I swear I believe to this very day he still guides her and gives her the strength she needs. 'Butterfly' was what he'd call her. His 'little butterfly' was his world. Losing him has helped Grace realize the beauty of being close to her parents and remaining in touch. She comes by ever 2 weeks or so now. I am so glad to see her when she does. It just ain't like it once was and I know in my heart it will never be that way again. I'm trying to relearn who my daughter is now. I want to have the best relationship that I can possibly have with her. I just don't know how to accept her as she is now. I can look at her arms... all veins blown... dark bruising covering them both and my heart just sinks into my stomach! She is a full blown addict. I know from what she has told me she uses many different drugs. Her favorite or her drug of choice is morphine. She shoots it up daily. She's also using crystal meth, xanax, and a muscle relaxant called soma's. She has admitted to using heroine in the past also. I spend what little time she gives me just trying to love who she is today even with all of her problems. I want to address her addiction and talk with her about seeking treatment. I'm so scared tho that she won't come back if I mention it so I just hold tight to her while I can. I do realize though that one day I will be receiving a call from someone saying she too has passed on. I only pray that the Good Lord gets her and I both through this alive. My heart is breaking.

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