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accepting my son has a problem

Posted by sad and tired on 15 February 2014.

Hi my son is 22 years old, he works but lost his last job due to time off and not turning up.  I have only recently had to accept he has a drug problem.  I have bailed him out of pay day loans, which he has never attempted to repay.  Sorted out his bills, and got him straight maybe three times now.  He is verbally abusive and I have to admit I am starting to be wary of him.  I have seen messages in which people offer him coke, ecstasy and other stuff so have had to come to terms with the fact that he is doing drugs.  This month I have again sorted out his debts and bank account, holding onto his card so that he cannot keep drawing money out.  He has begged me to give him money saying he owes people and he will be in big trouble if he doesn't pay.  All the advice I have been given tell me to let him take responsibility for his actions. Stop bailing him out, and if necessary throw him out.  This is where I am now, I have kicked him out but he didn't make it easy and I suffered his verbal abuse and kicking the door until I opened it.  He has now accepted I don't want him home until he sorts himself out.  He has only been out of the house for 2 days and I am already struggling not to call him and beg him to come back, but I know that if I do the cycle of stealing from me, abusing me and running into debt signalled by letters and phone calls from companies trying to get their money.  So I think I have to stay strong and hope that he will find life so tough he will sort his self out and come home.  Trouble is I am not sure he is able to do this, can anyone advise, I have spent so many sleepless nights and my work is suffering.

Comments

fifi65
25 Feb 2014

Hi It's soul destroying this kind of life!! I know exactly how you're feeling.. I have done all that over the years put him out and then had to ask him back because Ive been out of my mind with worry, its such a vicious circle. Have you got anyone to support you? I hope so x I tell debt collectors and the likes my son doesnt live here anymore and I dont have a forwarding address as my relationship with him has broke down. Could you talk to your doctor? They normally say there are no magic pills for us heartbroken mum's but it might be worth a visit take care, you're not on your own fiona xx

sad and tired
26 Feb 2014

Thank you, he is back once again, I had a talk to him yesterday, not sure how much good it will do though.....but at least I know where he is and if he is eating.  He tells me I am paranoid, but then he would wouldn't he.  I can already see that he is prioritising his own needs rather than paying his bills, I have recently got him up to date with everything again.  This time I will leave his finances and what happens will happen......xxx

patricia
27 Feb 2014

Hi is Patricia, my e-mail address is:  pattie53@live.co.uk      take care all you mums xx

patricia
27 Feb 2014

Hello 'sad and tired'   My son is exactly the same, sounds as tho he is a clone of your son!! The 'drug' problem with my son has been going on since he was 15 years of age, he is now 30, so its been a long long time. The problem of course has been my son but I see now one other problem has been me...Mum!! I constantly gave in through the years foolishly thinking it would be the answer but of course that was NOT the answer. I paid his bills, bought food and clothed him and paid any debts. It doesnt work!! He is my son but he's now like a blood sucking leech and if I sat down and tried to count just how much I have given him in the past 10 years I dread to think what it would amount to......thousands I think!! And Im not well off. I should have turned away from him years n years ago. Lots of folk have said to me "HE has to reach rock bottom first before recovery can take place" and I never allowed him to reach that rock bottom so he's always been protected. If you can be strong, let your son reach that rock bottom and dont you be there with the great big strong safety net. Its amazing just how they finally find strength and somehow manage to survive!! I've taken the 'safety net' i.e. my cash, away from my son, did it recently and guess what........it appears to be working!! He is suddenly becoming 'slightly more' responsible AND asking how I am today!  Take care, is a long journey but hopefully you'll get there    xxxxx

patricia
27 Feb 2014

Hello 'sad and tired'   My son is exactly the same, sounds as tho he is a clone of your son!! The 'drug' problem with my son has been going on since he was 15 years of age, he is now 30, so its been a long long time. The problem of course has been my son but I see now one other problem has been me...Mum!! I constantly gave in through the years foolishly thinking it would be the answer but of course that was NOT the answer. I paid his bills, bought food and clothed him and paid any debts. It doesnt work!! He is my son but he's now like a blood sucking leech and if I sat down and tried to count just how much I have given him in the past 10 years I dread to think what it would amount to......thousands I think!! And Im not well off. I should have turned away from him years n years ago. Lots of folk have said to me "HE has to reach rock bottom first before recovery can take place" and I never allowed him to reach that rock bottom so he's always been protected. If you can be strong, let your son reach that rock bottom and dont you be there with the great big strong safety net. Its amazing just how they finally find strength and somehow manage to survive!! I've taken the 'safety net' i.e. my cash, away from my son, did it recently and guess what........it appears to be working!! He is suddenly becoming 'slightly more' responsible AND asking how I am today!  Take care, is a long journey but hopefully you'll get there    xxxxx

patricia
27 Feb 2014

Hello 'sad and tired'   My son is exactly the same, sounds as tho he is a clone of your son!! The 'drug' problem with my son has been going on since he was 15 years of age, he is now 30, so its been a long long time. The problem of course has been my son but I see now one other problem has been me...Mum!! I constantly gave in through the years foolishly thinking it would be the answer but of course that was NOT the answer. I paid his bills, bought food and clothed him and paid any debts. It doesnt work!! He is my son but he's now like a blood sucking leech and if I sat down and tried to count just how much I have given him in the past 10 years I dread to think what it would amount to......thousands I think!! And Im not well off. I should have turned away from him years n years ago. Lots of folk have said to me "HE has to reach rock bottom first before recovery can take place" and I never allowed him to reach that rock bottom so he's always been protected. If you can be strong, let your son reach that rock bottom and dont you be there with the great big strong safety net. Its amazing just how they finally find strength and somehow manage to survive!! I've taken the 'safety net' i.e. my cash, away from my son, did it recently and guess what........it appears to be working!! He is suddenly becoming 'slightly more' responsible AND asking how I am today!  Take care, is a long journey but hopefully you'll get there    xxxxx

sad and tired
27 Feb 2014

Thanks Patricia, I will email you if that's ok xx

sad and tired
9 Apr 2014

well after everything I have said, I have done it again.  He was a day away from losing his car insurance and his job, he begged me to help him with bills. promised he would stay in at night, leave his account alone, go and get help for his problem.  So I helped him and at midnight he has gone out, to mcdonalds he says....... I am so angry with myself I must be the worlds biggest mug.......I cant even begin to imagine what the hell he is up to, but I don't think I can do this much longer, it is the lies and deceit as much as anything, he just doesn't seem to be able to help himself.......

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