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Advice please!

Posted by ella on 18 March 2014.

This is my 1st time here so please bear with me, my 23 year old son has smoked weed since he was about 16. At first I hoped it was a phase and he'd get bored eventually. He was diagnosed with ADHD at 7 and took ritalin until he discovered weed. In the past he has tried most drugs but thankfully not continued using them. He left home several years ago and has been 'asked to leave' several flats, however for the last 8 months he has been living on his own and I thought was starting to sort himself out. Yesterday he called me to say he had been arrested and held in the cells and is being charged with intent to supply. I am devestated and am being made to feel guilty as he saysi could have done more to stop him. My partner of 8 years does not get on with my son and is currently away, and if i have a choice wouldn't tell him. I have no one else I feel I can turn to and have no idea wher
e to turn. Any advice would be gladly accepted.

Comments

CANT TAKE NO MORE
19 Mar 2014

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT...He is 23 and makes his own decisions......the thing with addicts is they blame everyone else...my son did it, still does, but after hearing it again and again, I know I did everything I could.......and I am sure so have you....My son will no doubt be going to prison in the next few weeks for not adhering to his tag conditions...I wont be going to court, and I certainly wont be visiting him in prison....His behaviour is geared all around drinking and doing drugs......his choice, not mine....I WILL be there when he decides he had had enough and wants help, but until then IM DONE!!!! This group has been a life line for me....you are not alone, but please DONT blame yourself or listen to his emotional blakmail.......xxxx

max
23 Mar 2014

Me too "can't take no more " similar tale . My son (20) about to be kicked out of another rental . On 12 month suspended sentence for car theft . Drugs & alcohol . He is dealing & I'm sure will end up in prison . Nothing is ever his fault . I've done everything I can to help and about had my heart broken many times . We are a stable hardworking family & he had a privileged upbringing , but to hear him talk you would never think so . He came up for dinner this eve , wasted & got angry when I wanted him to leave soon after he had eaten . My husband & I don't want him in our home when he is like this and yet he denies that he has taken anything . I'm tired of thinking this must be my fault and am trying to toughen up . Like you I will be there with both hands outstretched if he begins to want to move his life forward . It's very hard to watch a much loved son waste what was a very caring & bright future .

max
23 Mar 2014

Me too "can't take no more " similar tale . My son (20) about to be kicked out of another rental . On 12 month suspended sentence for car theft . Drugs & alcohol . He is dealing & I'm sure will end up in prison . Nothing is ever his fault . I've done everything I can to help and about had my heart broken many times . We are a stable hardworking family & he had a privileged upbringing , but to hear him talk you would never think so . He came up for dinner this eve , wasted & got angry when I wanted him to leave soon after he had eaten . My husband & I don't want him in our home when he is like this and yet he denies that he has taken anything . I'm tired of thinking this must be my fault and am trying to toughen up . Like you I will be there with both hands outstretched if he begins to want to move his life forward . It's very hard to watch a much loved son waste what was a very caring & bright future .

CANT TAKE NO MORE
24 Mar 2014

Hey max, since talking with other parents it seems the parents are the ones who are left feeling guilty, sad, angry and wondering where the hell we went wrong! I now know it IS NOT our fault....court day is fast approaching for my son and I know when I drop him outside the court I won't be seeing him for a while...I've also told him that he won't be coming back here unless he proves he wants to change...it's his call...I'm tired and have had enough....I love him but hate him too if that makes sense...for my own sanity, and the families I am putting us first....I just want to hear him say he has had enough and needs our help....max, it's our boys decisions how and what they want from life, as parents we just have to wait now.....I want a happy ending, cause it's been going onto long!,,

ella
29 Mar 2014

Thanks for all the support, when it starts to get to me I keep re-reading them. I'm trying to be really strong but find it difficult when he plays the sympathy card! He is now trying to persuade me to lend him money to buy a car which he claims will sort his problems out and make his life easier. I don't see why I should help to make his life easier, he's done wrong and has to pay the price so why do I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing by not handing over money? I know he's using emotional blackmail but it breaks my heart having to be so tough. Despite this I am determined to stick to my guns and have told him I will help him look for work but as far as anything else he's on his own.

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