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Alone

Posted by Louise89 on 22 April 2018.

I can’t do this anymore . I can’t cope
With my partner  destroying his life and there being nothing I can do about it - I can’t take the late nights where I’m worried he won’t be alive when I wake up or the nights where he wakes me up every 3 hours because he needs money to gamble with and when I say no - which is every time he gets aggressive and smashes something - twice now in the last 12 months he’s got high on coke and then gambled and when he’s lost a load of money - thousands - he goes mental because he can get more drugs - smashes doors - walls - my iPad - my phone . 
Last night he managed to smash a wall 3 doors - his work phone and almost a work computer that has his entire life on .
As well as being aggressive towards me . 

But I feel like I dare not leave - because when he’s at his lowest he then threatens suicide and cries and begs for me to help him . 

Last night he blamed me - I’m shit - I’m Borning - I’m not enough - I don’t help him - I do nothing - the relationship is nothing - I don’t let him do coke all the time and so I’m ruinging his life . 

He’s still sat there now - after being on it from 4pm yesterday then smashing the house up at 12pm till 1am then he disappeared for 4 hours doing coke as some random persons house - drove home and has sat ever since gambling. 

Of course I’ve tried to take the phone from him - begged him to stop -but I’m so angry - I’m at the end of my feather and if I wasn’t scared for his safety I’m get in the car and leave - if just drive - far away . 

I have never felt so helpless and alone - watching my best friend - my partner - destroy everything from the inside out . 
I am alone in this and that’s soul destroying . 
We’ve been together 8 years and when it’s good it’s really good and then on these days - which is about every 4-5 days he does drugs- sometimes we’ve managed to
Keep it under control and he does his thing plays a game etc and that’s it but other times - it’s like last night . 

What do I do .....

Comments

Icarus Trust
23 Apr 2018

Hi Louise,
Thank you for posting your story which i'm sad to read. You are obviously having a very bad time right now. 
From what I read your partner seems to be aggressive at times. If you feel at all worried about your safety can I suggest that you call the National Domestic Violence Helpline, as they will be best placed to give you advice on your situation and what to do next. Their number is 0808 2000 247 and it is free to call, open 24 hours a day, and calls are confidential. 
Also you might like to contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people, like yourself, who are having to deal with a partner's addiction.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Wishing you all the best.

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