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at my wits end!

Posted by jade92 on 11 February 2014.

Hi , im 21 year old and a mum of two and im at breaking point my partner was clean until i thought he just had one slip up but the other night my nightmare came true my partner admitted to me he has been taking mcat since i moved to my new place and worst thing is he's in a drug debt of £210  and the drug dealer is my next door god dam neighbour!. Since he's admitted that to me my mental health has plummeted im a mess and he is putting so much guilt on me saying if i leave him he will take his life im so depressed and paranoid which isn't helping my existing anxiety disorder at all plus my mother has bipolar and its a strong gene in my family and im scared my mind is going to crash soon because the stress is making me ill and so upset. My partner has subjected me to mental and physical abuse and 2 years ago when i met him and i got pregnant he would walk out on me constantly i was suffering with a rare sickness condition in my pregnancy called hyperemisis i was so ill and he just kept walking out and one time i was nearly collapsing due to starvation and dehydration so i needed a ambulance desperately and he ran out on me i was lucky to have my mum who would always come over to look after me and my other daughter when he ran out which could be at anytime day or night and since all that hell which is so raw and still hurts me so much i try to tell him how it hurts but he says its not him its the drugs and says that's in the past but everyday my heartaches because after my daughter was born I found out she had a rare potentially life threatening condition and that night we came back from hospital he took drugs so now my life is full of worry over my daughter and her disease which sees her in  hospital alot and im fighting what feels like a losing war with my partner he's relying on my support and care again to get him clean but i cant do it because he hardly gets up in the morning and lays around the house and leaves me to do all the house work which sees me as full time cleaner of the house and carer of my poorly daughter and a full time mum to my other daughter im struggling to have motivation to care for myself im also in tonnes of debt due to him demanding the latest gadgets on contract the bills are pilling up and he doesn't care but i do im trying my best to live a normal life and have morals but if he doesn't get what he wants he ends up flipping at me to the point im curled up in a corner crying my eyes out and him saying such cruel things to me which has made my self esteem and confidence hit rock bottom and living a new area makes it even harder to seek help im so scared because ive been judged alot on my mental health history and my family's mental health history at not being a good mum which is not the case im a amazing mum i make sure my daughters are loved , clean and happy and healthy which is getting hard because im having to pay my partners drug debt off so im going without meals so i can afford food for my kids and gas and electric. I crying out for help but hardly making a sound because im so scared of the outcome. Sorry for the long essay just needed to get this of my chest.

Comments

Worn down mum
11 Feb 2014

Jade I hate having to read this. You shouldn't be living your life like this!!! Find the courage and get some help to get rid of him. You're only 21 and he's going to continue to bring you down if you don't. Live your life for your children and let them have a happier mum that obviously loves them. Think about yourself for a change  xx

jade92
24 Feb 2014

Hi , sorry its a late reply and well today ive done it ive left him for good. It was so hard but i needed to do it i know im worth so much more and i feel much safer now and relaxed. Thanks for the advice. Xx

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