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Broke, broken and cheated on

Posted by Singlemummy on 19 October 2016.

Firstly -my husband through NA (can not rate it highly enough, but only when the addict is ready) has reached 60 days clean! So hopefully this story will have a happy ending....
I found out about his coke use 6 months into our relationship and took out loans and lent money (£40,000 to date) to pay off the bailiffs and his pay day loans and credit cards every year or so since then. I believed the lies and survived the disappearing acts and even agreed to marry him!! Its been about a yearly cycle of him admitting to me he has 'relapsed' then it getting better for a short while then awful for a long while then he would finally admit it again. This last time was the final time for me...we now have a baby. At times during my pregnancy i regretted getting oregnant with fear of bringing a child into this. I was hospitalised twice for what i imagine was stress after his 24hr disappearing acts even when i was due and i had images of having to drive myself to hospital. I had every hope that her arrival would 'cure' him but i have learnt now that addiction is an evil disease capable of even taking presidence over a parent's love. It drives their every action and thought. It didnt matter to him i was at home alone with depression, anxiety and a sick baby. The addiction won. 
I left. Once i found out about the drugs (id naively thought he had been off them for a year despite his behaviour) that was it as i have my baby to safeguard now. I even found drugs and steroid needles in my very own bedroom once i started looking hard enough. I had to return to work at 6 months due to mine being the only income that wasnt wasted away and it was then i overheard him telling someone hed slept with someone else when i was at home with our then 5 month old. That for me was the time my whole world crumbled. The drugs i could accept as it wasnt the first time but cheating...i had trusted this man 100% like i had never trusted anyone before, he would be the last oerson on earth you would ever think capable of cheating. But he did. With someone he was selling drugs to, 3 times over a few weeks. 
So here i am now. Searching the internet for other people like me who just need reassurance that although things are pretty awful right now there is hope. And i want to give the little hope i have found - once an addict accepts their problem and wants help it is possible to change. Im no longer filing divorce and hoping time may heal my wounds and reconsiliation may be possible. My husband had no relationship with my daughter before (she didnt recognise him when he was home and would cry) now he loves her whole heartly and has built a lovely relationship. Now the addiction does not rule him the person i fell in love with has returned and he can make choices and decisions to the benefit of his family and own health. We are currently still living apart and me walking out with his daughter is what saved him as he had to reach rock bottom to realise the extent of his problem and decide he wanted to stop. It was hard to see but was the only option.

The best advice i got - look after yourself. For years we put the addicts first, destroying ourselves, getting depression and into debt, driving round trying to find them, comforting their sobs and believing their empty promises. I realised id stopped doing all the things i loved. One zumba class and my whole outlook changed and i was then in a better place to be there for my husband too. GOOD LUCK to anyone reading this and hang on in there xxx

Comments

Icarus Trust
31 Oct 2016

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm so glad that things are turning out well for you, your daughter and your husband. 
You are right about looking after yourself. The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports people like yourself who are affected by a loved ones' addiction.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Keep strong and all the best.

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