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Can feel myself getting sucked back in

Posted by Kf on 25 November 2014.

I was with my ex 8 years he is a heroin addict, I left him back in August when his drug use spiralled out of control as I didn't want my son being around this. Since then it has been an emotional roller coaster with court cases etc. My ex stopped my son and myself from going on holiday and he has been nothing but a pain in the ass with the sale of the house so much so I am going to have to force the sale now. Anyway at my last court hearing despite the fact my ex failed his drug test he was granted unsupervised access and the supervision by his parents was lifted, I really don't understand why any sheriff would do that given his chaotic drug use anyway she did and he now get 2 6  hour visits a week. I won't go into the whole thing but basically he has been using drugs whilst having contact with our son, quite a few times I have seen him intoxicated when collecting our son. Anyway today I picked my son up and we walked to the bus stop, my ex comes walking down to the bus stop and just so happens to get on our bus, he was chatting away being all nice telling me about their day, we were chatting and laughing together just like we did over the years, i guess I kinda miss that :( we would have been perfect for each other had it not been for this horrible addiction. I feel truely robbed, I dunno if I ll ever get over this I still love him but it's so much easier to hate him when he's under the influence. When he is like how he was today it makes me miss my life and how it used to be without his addiction problems. I dont know how to get rid of these feelings I just feel so sorry for him when he's like that :( This is horrible all I have done since I got back in is cry, deep down I'm absolutely heartbroken things never worked out.

Comments

It sounds like you are having a really hard time dealing with the effects of your ex's addiction. Maybe you would like to talk through the situation you are facing which can often help?
The Icarus Trust is a charity  which supports people in situations like your own. We have experienced trained volunteers, called family Friends, who would understand how you are feeling, be able to talk with you and help you find help and the support that is available.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Its a free service so hopefully its worth a try.
Good luck!

Hi kf, I know how you feel, I feel just at torn in my situation, when my husband is in recovery he is the best person I know, the problem is when he relapses it's the most horrible and scary time of my life and it's unbearable. I have just had my second child with him only a month ago and I'm constantly debating if I can trust him to stay clean, he has already used drugs twice since the baby has come and I just can't bear the kids being let down by him like I am. However he is the best dad when he is ok. Can't work out if I stay or go. He's the love of my life, we have been together for 16 yrs but for the last 3 yrs I feel like he's someone else because of the drug abuse. I feel like my husbands dead and has been replaced by a monster. Don't have any fight left in me, but I can't even find the strength to leave like you did. At least you put your kids first and took that step. I think your really brave. It's hard to trust someone who has let you down so much. Stay strong, I hear of stories of husbands who turn there lives around when there partners leave them. I guess if they really loved us they would.