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despair

Posted by enoughisenough on 22 March 2013.

I am the wife of a crack and heroin addict, we've been together 14 years I was 19 when we met and he was clean, he started using again that same year and hasnt stopped. We have four children and one on the way, most of the time he uses to "be normal" he says, its been so long that I feel Im sort of losing my morals about it all and certainly its become normal to me. Dont get me wrong, it sickens me, frightens me makes me angry and guilty but I do enable him, and I feel really bad because sometimes I give him the money just so he goes away and leaves me alone for a little while. Im still here because the children love him, its well hidden and he loves them too, I know not enough to stop but like I said the acceptance level has gone blurry on me and Im really struggling. Hes quite a bit older than me and I keep telling myself that theres no such thing as an old addict and so this will soon be over but thats terrible isnt it, waiting for someone to die to stop this horrible situation. Its just the things Ive seen and dealt with, the emotional abuse the guilt and the fear, not knowing whos going to knock on my door or if hes going to die next to me in bed. Hes been my best friend, my only friend really because addiction is so lonely and greedy and takes everything away, and he will die, and that makes me angry too. I havent found any support or advice on what to do because as soon as anyone hears the words crack and heroin social services get involved and that frightens me too as its the only thing I can and do control well, my children are great loved happy children and well protected from this mess but Im not and I want it to stop. I dont know how.

Comments

God'sJoy
25 Mar 2013

Let me say this... God bless you for your honesty! I too know what you are going thru. My ex-boyfriend was also addicted to crack rock and pain pills but my story is a little different from yours. When I met 'Brett' I fell in love instantly! He too was an older man. After a very short 3 months him and I moved in together. It is during this time that I found out he was using crack, taking pain pills, and a functioning alcoholic. I had 2 daughter from my previous marriage and I also became scared of social services getting involved. Brett used so often that I became an enabler also and had became comfortable with it as if it was just the way of life. WRONG! I can't set here and say I made it through without social services involvment because I didn't. When they got involved it got ugly, I thought I was gonna lose them for good and like u said they were happy healthy and loved so very much and they were the one thing I was sure of! In my county I was lucky because social services accepted the fact that I was not a user. With that being said they didn't allow me to be with Brett as long as I had my girls so I was left with a choice him or my children! My heart didn't hesitate on what to do and neither did I! Although he was someone I had fell in love with he wasn't someone I'd give my girls up for. My advice to you is to get out! I understand the two of you have these kids together but sooner or later it's gonna come down to one of two things... you will either lose your children because of his use or they will find out  what's going on and the emotional impact that it has on them may be too much. You say you know he loves all of you but it's not enough love to quit using! Have you ever took the children and left for a month or so to see if he'd consider quitting in order to have you all back in his life? If not, then maybe you could try that. He may surprise you and show you he does love you enough to quit! God bless you my prayers are with you and your family. Stay strong don't give up! Remember, every storm runs out of rain!

enoughisenough
25 Mar 2013

Thank you for your message, its so true, I know it is. Ive never tried leaving but if im honest with myself they are excuses and not reasons or doing so. Its like this huge sense of responsibility or him for the kids for the normality that society expects but I guess the bottom line is Im just not strong enough. I, like you would never have to think twice about the choice him or them its my babies everytime and I know the time is dawning that Il have to be bold and make that move. I cant thankyou enough for your words Iv always felt so alone in all of this although Im sorry for your experience its nice to know Im not the only one and Im so grateful to you for reminding me that I have the right to expect normal. x

God'sJoy
26 Mar 2013

I want you to set for a few minutes and try to put yourself in your hubby shoes. Think about what he must feel everyday knowing his problem with crack and heroine is not only hurting himself but his family. There is a few questions I would appreciate you answering if you don't mind. if at anytime you feel I'm getting to personal please feel free to let me know I have over stepped my boundries.

How much does your husband use daily? 
Is he currently employed? If so, how long has he had the job he works?
Where does all of his money come from that goes to his addiction?
Do the 2 of you still spend time each day putting the other first and trying to keep your love alive?
How many children do you have counting the one you are expecting?
Does he hide his addiction from all of society?
Has he ever became physically abusive towards you due to NOT having the drug in him?
Have you, at any point in your life, done drugs with him or anyone else?
Please don't take any of those questions offensively. I'm only trying to get the details so that I may address you in a better manner. Thank you and God Bless!

enoughisenough
26 Mar 2013

Hi, thanks for your support in this, I dont mind the questions, he uses between 10 and 70 pounds a day depending on how much money Ive got he doesnt work he had a heart attack a couple of years ago and now he has liver problems Im a teacher and thats how he gets his money. We are together all the time but the niceness is dependent on how much money Ive got although he will deny this! We are friends but I feel very responsible or him and it eels very one sided a lot of the time. Im not allowed out alone or to have my own phone or go on facebook, he used to try and hide it but because Im more outspoken and need more support now I will tell people what he does like my dad and mum and his mum but everyone else doesnt know, its shameful isnt it? We have four children and one on the way, aged 10 8 6 and 4 he has never been physically abusive towards me and the only time Ive been scared is when he has had a "bad" bit and its sent him mad and I sent him from the house until he was "normal" again. Ive never tried any drugs and I dont drink, Ive never even tried a cigarette. Hes not verbally abusive towards me either but then there hasnt really been a day where he hasnt had drugs. It sounds silly but he can pick on, sounds childish doesnt it but I dont know how else to explain it, just lately his behaviour has changed and hes repeating things a lot forgetting things and waffling more than usual Im convinced its because of long term drug abuse causing it but could be his liver problem I suppose. Dont get me wrong its not always bad we do have a laugh together and although I have to ask for affection its never denied me I just feel so lonely. Thanks again for your support x

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