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Desparatly Sad....

Posted by always parenting on 29 November 2015.

Hi

I'm new here and have arrived at the point of wanting to reach out to others for support and advice.

My 31yr old daughter has to my knowledge, probably since her early twenties been involved with drink and drugs.  When she was in her last year of University she got involved with an intelligent guy who we later found was involved in drugs and was convicted having been found with a large quantity of drugs  in his possession.  Just before that they had a beautiful child together.  Obviously we were devastated about the arrest and subsequent condition but tried to work through it supporting her at a difficult time.  Anyway her behaviour deteriorated over time and although we had regular access to our granddaughter things became increasingly difficult,  where we constantly were stepping on eggshells to avoid her inappropriate outbursts.  For a time she lived with us when I virtually took over the care of her daughter but was actually quite relieved when she moved out.  Time went by and  she was up and down, appearing better and more collected but at others  a mess.  Her house became and is quite squalid.  She also got into another relationship and things seemed a little better.  She then had another daughter but that relationship has now broken down and things have spiralled again.  In the midst of this her original partner was released from prison (about 3 years ago) who we are in contact with and who seems to have cleaned up and has a normal life.  He is appalled at the way my daughter lives and feels as helpless as I do.  Suggesting reasonable conversations as so many help lines do, is of no use here as my daughter will not talk, just explodes and reacts.  I have long come to the conclusion that my daughter is an adult and while we are willing to help we cannot fix her life for her.  My biggest concern is for my 2 innocent and beautiful granddaughters living in this awful place with whatever is going on there.  I don't know what to do.  I know she has been known to social services in the past but don't know to what degree however I cannot believe that this situation would be condoned.  Once when I questioned my daughter she cut off any contact for 9 months.  I don't feel this is of any help to my granddaughters as we love the dearly and feel contact with us is so important to them.

How have others coped with similar situations?

Thanks for listening

Comments

Ad93
30 Nov 2015

Hi, 

I'm sorry to hear about this situation. My sister is an alcoholic and has been from the age of 16 until present day (she is now 30). Your daughter sounds like she has a similar temperament to my sister. She was known to social services and on several occasions there were incidents involving the police, however they were adamant that my niece must remain with my sister. We taught my niece our home number from a very young age and when she was just 12 months she dialed our phone to what sounded like ww3 was going on in the background. To cut a long story short, my mum is now the guardian to my niece and has been for the last 7 years, it doesn't look like my sister is about to change any time soon. I agree with what you are saying, that she is an adult and you cannot fix her life for her. I wish you all the strength in the world, there is only so much you can do. If your granddaughters are old enough my advice would be to make sure they always have access to your number. Sorry there isn't much I can do to help but I just wanted you to know that aren't alone with this and I can empathise with your frustrations

Ad93
30 Nov 2015

Hi, 

I'm sorry to hear about this situation. My sister is an alcoholic and has been from the age of 16 until present day (she is now 30). Your daughter sounds like she has a similar temperament to my sister. She was known to social services and on several occasions there were incidents involving the police, however they were adamant that my niece must remain with my sister. We taught my niece our home number from a very young age and when she was just 12 months she dialed our phone to what sounded like ww3 was going on in the background. To cut a long story short, my mum is now the guardian to my niece and has been for the last 7 years, it doesn't look like my sister is about to change any time soon. I agree with what you are saying, that she is an adult and you cannot fix her life for her. I wish you all the strength in the world, there is only so much you can do. If your granddaughters are old enough my advice would be to make sure they always have access to your number. Sorry there isn't much I can do to help but I just wanted you to know that aren't alone with this and I can empathise with your frustrations

Icarus Trust
11 Jan 2016

Hello,
It must be very hard for you dealing with trying to keep a relationship with your daughter as well as the worry you have over your grand daughters.
if you feel that you would like some support for yourself please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the friends and families of addicts. Our experience trained volunteers would understand what you are dealing with talking with them may help you with a way forward. 
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you can get some support and help. Good luck.

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