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desperately trying to learn my next move.

Posted by confused mother of 2 on 31 January 2015.

Hi, okay so I am new to this site and I know that everyone here prob feels in someway like their life is spiralling downwards trying to understand it. I do everyday. This is the only place I can actually explain my pain and hope someone understands and doesnt just judge my mistakes. well hopefully Someone has some insight that isn't just that im stupid.  Thats all I get from  family. 

so I meant my fiance I guess that's what you would call him at this point 3 years ago I used to be an alcoholic and I've been clean for about two and a half years when I met him I worked at a rehab and I would out branch to other facilities at the time I had already been through rehab at the age of 18 and I was working at this rehab at the age of 20 well he came through a rehab that I had worked out and we became really good friends about two months after he got out we started to get really close and eventually formed a relationship I know most people look at it like I should have known but I've been through rehab and I had a different outlook and I honestly thought he wanted to get better he acted like he did and he talked like he did well it was about a month to two months after we got together that he had a slip up and it wasn't something that he necessarily did something intentional but he had gone to a party and somebody had put something in one of his drinks and it was like after that night something just kind of clicked and he was having a harder time with his cravings he did really good for a while after about 6 months together Hey looked up and used cocaine mind you he was a heroin addict and a pain pill addict he slipped up a few times after that one off for the most part was trying to do really well and I was trying to stay supportive because I know the worst thing you can do when an attic is slipping up is push them away and I held on I hold on through the drugs I hold on through the bend to the right she would leave for a week and I would hear from him I would never he was and he would come back I got it left on holidays so he could go and get high or get drunk or just disappear for hours I would be worried and I wouldn't know where he was and then he would just come back whenever and it went on like that for quite a while here 25 year old boy that I was taking care of and filling in the role of step mother while he was basically off in the wind every time he look for a bit and she would be gone the first week without talking to me at all after that it was to remind me that it was all my fault that he was gone and then he would gradually ask if you can come back saying that he needed to go to rehab that he wanted to be better that he wanted to do better and I believed him and then he would come back and he would be fine for a couple weeks or a couple months and then it was like it just repeat it all over again that one on on and off for about the past 3 years I got pregnant by this man and about a month before I had the baby if you would leave on and off or get angry and v drugs whatever the drugs change him and he wasn't the same person that I got with and about a month before I had my baby I found out that he had given me herpes and the doctor said that could have been genetics well after I found out that I have been given an infection we talked about it and he was like I need to get help I need to get my life together I don't want to be like this I don't want to do these things to you and he did really good he got a job he was doing really well for about 3 or 4 months and then he was like as long as I'm honest with you please just know that I'm trying I caved. I believed that he needed to see it himself so I basically tried to wait out the storm and just hope that he would tell me when he wasn't Danny even though I really already knew he started like every once in awhile he would tell me he was really craving something or if you slipped up he was honest about it but then it seemed to me the more supportive I tried to be the further he tried to take it it went from you no one's for publication Elida two or three to at least I'm not doing this to well it could be worse to do you think I want to be like this I went through labor alone he never said his name to her birth certificate he came back he left he would stay across the street binging on his newfound thing of meth with random chicks are dudes or whoever would let him sleep on their couch or however he could get a 60 and basically become this in tire Lee different person that I didn't know he wasn't that man that I fell in love with he wasn't that man was trying to get better he was a person that would do anybody or anything to get through these next time I found out that I am pregnant again and when I told him I was reminded that he loves me and cares about me and he needs to get help and he said he really needs to get his life together but my lordy didn't want another kid or wasn't expecting one or whatever and I ended up finding method in my bathroom to which I made him late now he is going around the neighborhood and he will visit all the little bit houses up and down the street and I have to look at him and see him everyday and he doesn't come and see his daughter and he tells everybody that I keep her from him and he tells everybody how awful I was there whatever what she does every time he leaves and bunches I need to know if this is ever going to get better if he ever going to get help and get clean for his family or am I going to spend the rest of my time watching the person that I love and I know it does not think I'm that awful kill himself I should have never tried it his way and tried to understand it or tried to figure it out or whatever I should have always stood my ground but I caved and then I tried to say my ground and he chose drugs over us and I just want to know when to leave when he hits rock bottom and gets clean is that ever going to change is he ever going to see that all I ever wanted was to help. he has had three years of my life of me watching him and supporting him and him telling me that he knows that I love him and care about him and he doesn't understand why this isn't the lifestyle that he wants to live in this isn't a person that he wants to be but it's the addition in the addiction has a hold of him and he can't just stop and he wishes that he could he hates himself but all he does is get high I need to go to rehab I need to get myself together Hey look another fixed I'm in trying everything I can to help him get better and I know that I can't help him I know he has to help himself but it's an awful feeling to know that I am now going to be a single mother of two kids and I don't know if it's ever going to change with her daddy is ever going to get better for them. Plz share any positive feed back or support. Im the kids person that has to understand and I know you will never understand an addict when they are using and its killing me. when he's clean he's truly a great man and I just can't seem to understand it I know that he really does care about me and I know that he loves his daughter and I'm not and I'm sure once his mind is sober you can appreciate the idea of another child but for those that don't know and I'm sure that nothing to do but this is his routine this is what he does he he leaves and he'll run away and take all the stuff in hell bent for a week without saying anything and then hopefully that same game and then a little bite come back and he always has to make me feel bad while he's gone he always has to use me is that skate skirt so it doesn't look like he's a bad guy for being away from his family are for doing what he's doing so I know it some point when he's got no place to go and when he's got nothing then he'll come back and I know the days check some stuff don't mean anything that there just to get dope and I & I know these things but that doesn't make it OK and I just need to know if I should walk away or if there's ever a chance that he is going to wake up im pregnant and scared and very overwhelmed

Comments

confused mother of 2
31 Jan 2015

Sorry auto correct ruined a lot of that.  5yr old son.

His binges work like this:
pick fights so he doesn't feel guilty
go on a binge
first week ignore family and drop off map
talk about me like I'm awful so no one questions his decision
call me and tell me how sick of me complaining he is.  "He is an addict and I should know this"
Communicating that way and binging for another week 
hanging with guys that share or chicks he can use for a fix
running out of options and hitting rock bottom to come back and say he wants better

Repeat in a few months...

Icarus Trust
2 Feb 2015

It sounds like you could use some support from someone who would understand what you are going through. The Icarus Trust is a charity which supports the families and friends of addicts. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our 'Family friends' who are experienced trained volunteers. it might help you to talk through how you are feeling with one of these. This is a free service so I hope you might try it.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I hope this helps.

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