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Distraught first time blogger

Posted by Maggie on 6 August 2015.

i don't know where to begin really - my story started about 12 years ago I reckon.  My son is 28 now.  I think he started smoking cannabis when he was 16/17 and started work/ an apprenticeship as was earning money.  For the first year he was doing really well and the company gave him excellent reports. However in the 2nd year he started missing college and not going to work some days, I don't know where he was going!  After several warnings he got the sack.  Over the years he managed to get jobs and hold them down for a couple of years or so until the last 18 months.  He has been evicted from 2 flats in 4 years, the last one in May because his flat was raided and he was arrested for possession of cannabis. He stayed with a friend for several weeks but then went to a night shelter, however he could only stay for 28 days and as from yesterday is on the streets.  He is in debt due to drugs.  I have paid off a dealer as he was threatened with a bullet but can't keep on.  I have never been in debt and my husband, his Dad, won't have him back home to live with us as we don't want Police, debt collectors, dealers etc knocking on our door.  I met him yesterday and got him a meal etc and felt dreadful leaving him in town, 20 miles away where he has been staying but there was nothing I could do.  He kept texting begging me to let him come home and I'm heartbroken but every time I try and help him by finding him a job and a home he just messes up as can't get up and get there in time.  We have always worked and paid our way and brought him up that way but drugs have changed him so much and made him aggressive and thinks he is above the law.  My husband is 74 and doesn't need all this hassle.  I bottle it up and put a brave face on things as I feel guilty and so ashamed.  I just don't know what to do.  Are there other parents out there who have been in a similar situation and can give any advice please.

Comments

Claire1
6 Aug 2015

Hi Maggie, My son is 19 at smokes cannabis, he lives at home but there have been moments when we have come close to asking him to leave. He has a job but it's a constant worry that he will get up and go in every morning. My husband and I have never smoked, taken drugs of any kind or drink very much so we struggle to understand why our intelligent son should wish to destroy his life. I have come close to having a breakdown over it myself. You need to look after yourself. Unfortunately he may need to reach his rock bottom before he decides it's time to change. You must not blame yourself or feel guilty or ashamed. He is responsible for his addiction not you. I feel lonely sometimes as my friends don't understand and most don't have anything to do with me anymore. I go to a local group for families of addicts which is great because they understand and have been with me through the highs and lows. Stay strong.

Maggie
6 Aug 2015

Thanks Claire for responding.  I'm sorry you are also having worries with your son although it has helped to know I'm not the only one going through it.  There doesn't seem to be a group local to me but a friend has just persuaded me to make an appoint to see my Doctor for advice and perhaps something to help me sleep and feel better.  I hope things improve for you and both our sons in the future.

Amber
12 Aug 2015

Hi Maggie,
Don't know if I can offer any advice as such, but I think it helps to know there are parents, mum's  out there going through the same problems.My son is also 28yrs and his weed and alcohol  problems started around 12/13 years ago.He has never left home and like your son never been able to hold onto a job for any lengh of time.Infact he's not worked for two years or so now.Unfortunately I now believe  he is mentally ill from taking weed.I am desparately trying get help,but it's  not easy unless he himself  admitts he has a problem which of course he won't.Talking to someone who understands really helps.Believe me you are not alone,but I don't  have an answer. I'm just always hoping that I will get my son back.Like Claire said they may have to bit rock bottom before they come back to us.Stay strong.Yes the doctors can help as they gave me some tabs to help me sleep.My friends are a great support aswell.My thoughts are with you. It would be nice to post a positive outcome one day ☺

Maggie
12 Aug 2015

Thanks Amber it sounds like we are going through the same thing.  Unfortunately my son has just admitted the that he does cocaine now and that was why he lost his place at the night shelter!  He was doing it every day at one time but hasn't got the money to do it as much now.  I also think the drugs have altered his mind and attitude.  As you say let's hope they will come round and seek help and we can post something positive in the future.  Fingers crossed for everyone going through this sort of thing.

winny
16 Aug 2015

my son is a grown man who is an alcoholic and also takes pills he is 48 broke up withhis wife2 year ago and lives with me .he has mental health issues he  attends a clinic who has not helped one bit in fact he has got worse he has hit the drink even harder he wont go for help for his drinking as he says he doesn't want to live he has tried suicide when I phone the crises team they tell me to phone police who wants to do that to their son think my only optionis to call police iv had 3 heart attacks and a mild stroke

CANT TAKE NO MORE
28 Aug 2015

Drugs have a massive effect on a persons mental health...I see it with my son...he's been doing drugs on and off for 8 years....I have seen it all! I won't have him live with us , mainly because he's so tempremental....and I don't trust him! A good friend said to me if he's old enough to put that shit in his body then he's old enough to sort out where he lives....she has s point! Why is it that as parents we feel we need to take care of them..they are grown men ffs! I only see my son when he's trying to help himself...I'm done with the self pitying bullshit..I am just as important as him, and if I'm stressed and anxious all the time, my fsmily suffer my health suffers and I'm no good for anything.....Winny Hunni, please don't put up with it any more....you've had 3 heart attacks...please take care of yourself....xxxx

Maggie
30 Aug 2015

Thanks for all your comments.  It's dreadful watching your kids ruin their lives whether it's through drink or drugs.  Your friend has a good point saying if they are old enough to put it in their body they are old enough to sort out where they live.  I'm staying strong and sticking to our decision not to have him live with us as I also know I can't trust him. 
 Winny, you must put yourself first now, you have helped your son as much as you can but it isn't helping your health with all the stress he is causing you so please please take care.  X

CANT TAKE NO MORE
3 Sep 2015

Maggie, it's so hard to trust an addict....I never give money.....if he needs to eat, I buy meals...we have had our hearts ripped out, and it has effected all the fsmily and extended family...I have had to let every one know not to give cash...I use to feel embarrassed, but that's gone now...I've stopped making excuses for him, and bailing him out....I know he can stay sober cause he's done it for over a year....at the moment he's trying to recover....only he can do it unfortunately ....stay strong Maggie,and hugs to you x

Endofmyteather
1 Nov 2015

This is my first message on here, and probably the first day when I have realised that I don't think I can ever help my son. He's 20 in December and has smoked cannabis since he was 16. Like all of you I have had to watch my little boy, turn from a talented, intelligent, happy kid to a complete mess. I have done the fatal thing and let it go on, hoping that it would get better. When he left collage 2 years ago, I gave him a job with me until he found a job that he wanted, and decided what carrier path he wanted to take. He lived with me, my husband (not his dad) and my younger son. He had money, a roof over his head, didn't have to pay anything towards his keep as his wage was low, food, and our love and support. In the evening he would also go out, always to pick up weed, and god knows what else, and he would come back stoned pretty much every night. At weekends he would stay a with friends, so I have no idea what he used to get up to there...no good I assume. it was pot luck each morning, as to what mood he would wake up in, or if he would get up at all...the stress was enormous, worrying and literally begging him to get up. I never knew how he would react, but as time went on the moods were more angry, with throwing stuff, shouting and door slamming. At times I would be in tears trying to pussy foot around him, just to get him to work. He wouldn't speak to me on those days...just grunt answers to me, sitting, hiding under his hoodie, half asleep. Some days he would be fine, and I would see my son up happy, joking, smiling...which was a joy to see. The issue was, he kept taking the weed. I am so scared that he will get caught by the police, so I allowed him to smoke a joint in the garden but he was not allowed to have friends round to do the same. It soon became apparent that he was smoking weed every day, I have no idea how many, but I would guess at least 3 joints a day. Some weed would just knock him out, other types would stink the house out and make him really aggressive. I tried to talk to him, to make him understand that he was harming himself, but he sees no wrong in it. He is insistent that there is a government conspiracy to keep cannabis illegal, that it cures cancer, and even made me watch a show telling me that it was totally safe. I remember thinking...what the hell is going on in his mind? He was always skint, borrowing money, getting aggressive and moody when he had no money ....making our lives hell. It was getting unbearable, my husband and I started arguing about it, because he couldn't understand why I was being so protective . In my mind I was trying to keep some normality in his life, by making him go to work, giving him a roof over his head, hot meals etcetc. I was also beginning to get very stressed, laying in bed until God knows what time, waiting for my son to open the front door, only then did I know he was safe for a few hours, but still dreading the fact that I had to try and wake him in the morning. The worry was/ is overwhelming and I felt/ feel totally alone. About 2 months ago, my son decided he wanted to go and live with his friends. They have a house about 20 miles from us. We moved all his stuff, and he said that he would be working in the local pub, where his friends work too. He seemed to be doing ok, but this last 2 weeks, he has started and left the job, walking out when it got busy, and getting sacked, because he was ill and had a row with the boss. He came home for a night and is really sick. He said he doesn't know what he wants and the only thing that makes him happy is weed. I was so shocked when I saw him. He looks dreadful..it broke my heart. I am ready to have him back home, but my husband said no and I am caught in the middle. I called Frank, and they said that he needs to realise himself that his life is back because of his habit, that he's I'll because of his habit, that he's sick because of his habit. He is talking suicide now....twice in one week, he's fallen out with his friends, lost his job and has no money. He came home another night....was really rude, just walked in, went to his room and slept. The next day, I came home fro work and he was still here, we spoke about him staying, he said no, went into town, came back smelling of weed, then left to go back to his new house. It's so hard, I don't know what to do....take him back and risk my marriage, knowing full well that my son is an adict, but is not prepared to help himself, or turn my back on him.....which I don't know if I can... I am at the end of my teacher with worry, stress and the fear that my son will never know a good life because he can't see further than his next joint.

Endofmyteather
1 Nov 2015

This is my first message on here, and probably the first day when I have realised that I don't think I can ever help my son. He's 20 in December and has smoked cannabis since he was 16. Like all of you I have had to watch my little boy, turn from a talented, intelligent, happy kid to a complete mess. I have done the fatal thing and let it go on, hoping that it would get better. When he left collage 2 years ago, I gave him a job with me until he found a job that he wanted, and decided what carrier path he wanted to take. He lived with me, my husband (not his dad) and my younger son. He had money, a roof over his head, didn't have to pay anything towards his keep as his wage was low, food, and our love and support. In the evening he would also go out, always to pick up weed, and god knows what else, and he would come back stoned pretty much every night. At weekends he would stay a with friends, so I have no idea what he used to get up to there...no good I assume. it was pot luck each morning, as to what mood he would wake up in, or if he would get up at all...the stress was enormous, worrying and literally begging him to get up. I never knew how he would react, but as time went on the moods were more angry, with throwing stuff, shouting and door slamming. At times I would be in tears trying to pussy foot around him, just to get him to work. He wouldn't speak to me on those days...just grunt answers to me, sitting, hiding under his hoodie, half asleep. Some days he would be fine, and I would see my son up happy, joking, smiling...which was a joy to see. The issue was, he kept taking the weed. I am so scared that he will get caught by the police, so I allowed him to smoke a joint in the garden but he was not allowed to have friends round to do the same. It soon became apparent that he was smoking weed every day, I have no idea how many, but I would guess at least 3 joints a day. Some weed would just knock him out, other types would stink the house out and make him really aggressive. I tried to talk to him, to make him understand that he was harming himself, but he sees no wrong in it. He is insistent that there is a government conspiracy to keep cannabis illegal, that it cures cancer, and even made me watch a show telling me that it was totally safe. I remember thinking...what the hell is going on in his mind? He was always skint, borrowing money, getting aggressive and moody when he had no money ....making our lives hell. It was getting unbearable, my husband and I started arguing about it, because he couldn't understand why I was being so protective . In my mind I was trying to keep some normality in his life, by making him go to work, giving him a roof over his head, hot meals etcetc. I was also beginning to get very stressed, laying in bed until God knows what time, waiting for my son to open the front door, only then did I know he was safe for a few hours, but still dreading the fact that I had to try and wake him in the morning. The worry was/ is overwhelming and I felt/ feel totally alone. About 2 months ago, my son decided he wanted to go and live with his friends. They have a house about 20 miles from us. We moved all his stuff, and he said that he would be working in the local pub, where his friends work too. He seemed to be doing ok, but this last 2 weeks, he has started and left the job, walking out when it got busy, and getting sacked, because he was ill and had a row with the boss. He came home for a night and is really sick. He said he doesn't know what he wants and the only thing that makes him happy is weed. I was so shocked when I saw him. He looks dreadful..it broke my heart. I am ready to have him back home, but my husband said no and I am caught in the middle. I called Frank, and they said that he needs to realise himself that his life is back because of his habit, that he's I'll because of his habit, that he's sick because of his habit. He is talking suicide now....twice in one week, he's fallen out with his friends, lost his job and has no money. He came home another night....was really rude, just walked in, went to his room and slept. The next day, I came home fro work and he was still here, we spoke about him staying, he said no, went into town, came back smelling of weed, then left to go back to his new house. It's so hard, I don't know what to do....take him back and risk my marriage, knowing full well that my son is an adict, but is not prepared to help himself, or turn my back on him.....which I don't know if I can... I am at the end of my teacher with worry, stress and the fear that my son will never know a good life because he can't see further than his next joint.

Maggie
8 Nov 2015

Hi endofmyteath,  it's an awful situation to be in.  We don't envisage this when we have our kids.  I know how you feel, it's so hard seeing them destroy their lives.  My son is still homeless although we have him stay at weekends.  He sofa surfs with all sorts I believe in the week and goes to a charity run centre weekday mornings for showers, food, drink and advice etc but it isn't open at weekends so has no where to go.  As a parent I can't bear the thought of him starving and cold all weekend so go 20 miles to collect him on Friday, feed him up, and take him back Monday.  It's putting a strain on us as It's like having a young child again as I don't feel I can trust him to be left so have to take him to his brothers to stay the night if my husband and I want a night out.  Some weekends he's not too bad and helps out other times he just sits about looking utterly miserable.  It must be boring for him staying with us at 28 after having had his own place for several years but it's his own fault he lost it and jobs and his friends through stupid drugs.  I just don't know where it's all going to end.  He went out for a couple of hours yest and I'm sure I could smell weed when he came back so suspect he's still doing it despite agreeing he wouldn't whilst staying at ours.  I get cross and say I won't get him if he doesn't stop but with winter upon us I don't know if I can go though with it.  He looks so much better after staying the weekend having slept properly, been fed, shaved etc. and I suppose I still have some hope he can turn his life round but for how much longer I don't know.  I hope we can post some positive outcomes one day.  In the meantime stay strong and look after yourselves. X

Maggie
29 Jan 2017

Well my son is now 30 and having found a room to rent and a job a year ago I thought things were improving for him.  However, he has managed to lose his accommodation and several jobs and is now on bail and due in court for a crime I believe was to get money for drugs and so the misery goes on! He has a roof over his head at the mo but fear the next one will be a prison cell.  I just can't see where this is all going to end.  I live in hope he will turn his life around and see him most weeks to keep lines of communication open but can't keep trying to sort his problems out.  He is a man now not a boy!

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