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Don't know what to do...

Posted by Lauren09 on 19 April 2014.

Hi, this is my first time posting as I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I found out last year that my partner of 9 years was addicted to cocaine. Our relationship had been up & down for a while & I was struggling to understand what was going on with him. He would stay up all night, sleep most of the day. He had horrific mood swings. Things would go from being great to awful. I thought he was suffering from depression. It's only when things really hit rock bottom that I turned to his parents. He finally confessed to his mum of his problem. He had racked up about £70,000 in debt, fooled me into getting a £20,000 loan in joint names which I thought was to consolidate his credit cards from a previous debt when he bought his first home. He had pay day loans after him & numerous debt letters & no money to pay them all. We almost lost everything..... And my world around me had collapsed. We have 2 young children together, my son was only 6 months when I found out. Initially I was shocked, didn't quite believe it. Part of me felt relieved that I finally knew what was wrong with him. Then it sank in... I felt like a fool, hurt, stupid I hadn't noticed, angry with what he had done... He admitted he thought he was going to die from it. The addiction was out of control. Our home, everything was on the line. I couldn't believe what he had done. 
I decided to stand by him... For the sake of the children & because I love him. He went to some meetings, we sorted the debt out. His behaviour the way he looked everything changed for the good. 
Then he stopped going to the meetings, he swore he would never touch the stuff again. He said the meetings weren't helping him & that he had it under control. 
I kept an eye on his finances, questioning any but of money that he took out. I trusted him to a certain degree... But something told me he was completely over it. 
Then last night he went out with some friends. I was suspicious and checked his wallet.... I pulled out his bank card and found residues of coke. I confronted him straight away and he denied doing it..... Still denying now which is beyond ridiculous when I've seen it with my own eyes!! 
But now... I don't know what to do, who to turn to?? His not admitting he's relapsed so part of me thinks his not really admitting that his got his problem under control ! I want to tell his mum but their relationship is strained already with everything his done & they don't get on. I feel like I'm on my own dealing with this & no idea what I can do to stop him or help him!!!
If anyone can help or has any advice please share. I feel so alone & confused with what to do. X

Comments

CANT TAKE NO MORE
19 Apr 2014

Oh no, but the good thing about this you knew what to look  for!!! So he has relapsed...He needs to get back on the horse, and go back to the meetings....Its really important that even when he isnt doing drugs he continues to go for the added support....For the time being if you can , perhaps you watch the finances...which means not giving him his card or anything where he can get another payday loan.......its is hard, but if you and the kids are important to him, he will see its for the best....He really is lucky to have you, I think you need to be tough on him now......HE CAN STOP, cause he has done before...its a relapse..... hugs hunni xxx

CANT TAKE NO MORE
19 Apr 2014

Oh no, but the good thing about this you knew what to look  for!!! So he has relapsed...He needs to get back on the horse, and go back to the meetings....Its really important that even when he isnt doing drugs he continues to go for the added support....For the time being if you can , perhaps you watch the finances...which means not giving him his card or anything where he can get another payday loan.......its is hard, but if you and the kids are important to him, he will see its for the best....He really is lucky to have you, I think you need to be tough on him now......HE CAN STOP, cause he has done before...its a relapse..... hugs hunni xxx

Lauren09
21 Apr 2014

Thank you. He finally admitted it. He swore he never bought any but saw some kids doing some in a toilet & got some off them. I don't believe him 100%. What I'm realising is how many people do it. How many of his friends are doing it... And these are all good people with decent jobs & family's. There not kids anymore experimenting! I've asked him to go to meetings & I don't want him seeing he's friends anymore in that environment when they are all drinking etc. He's obviously not ready & I'm tracking he's finances even more. I've told him I want receipts of everything he buys so I can see when he's being getting cash back & what it's getting spent on. If he can't do that then I'm taking his bank card from him. I know he wants to stop & I know he wants to do the best by us. I just really hope he can.

CANT TAKE NO MORE
23 Apr 2014

Lauren, many professional people take drugs, it has no social conscience.......I found out my son was doing drugs over 4 years ago.....our family have been through the mill...what I will say is people who take drugs LIE....They will tell you anything they think you want to hear.....my son has stolen , lied and been abusive.......I really hope your partner goes back to counselling, and gets through this relapse....Be strong, and dont give an inch......hugs to you xxx

Lauren09
24 Apr 2014

Thank you. I'm discovering more & more how much he lies.... I don't know if I can do this anymore with him. It feels like his mums just turned her back on him while I'm left living this nightmare of questioning everything he does, checking every bit of money. We argue a lot & some of the arguments get quite nasty. Some days I just want out.... But I feel trapped. I don't feel there's anywhere me & the kids can go and he will never leave... He said he'll go back to the meetings but it's always half hearted & he seems to find ways out of not going.  Does it ever stop the questioning and self doubt of what there up to? He makes me feel like I'm dramatising everything & I'm over exaggerating about it all. He played so many mind games when he was using, he made me feel like everything was my fault. Like I was the reason he was in a foul mood, or I was lieing to him about whatever....  I want the kids to have their dad around but not if he goes back using. But so much has happened between us, some days I just hate him so much & he makes out he hates me. I hate the kids witnessing this kind of relationship. I know I need to be strong & I appreciate your replys. I just struggle some days wondering if I'm strong enough to deal with this. Xx

CANT TAKE NO MORE
25 Apr 2014

Hi Lauren sorry its been a while.......don't ever ignore your gut instinct, because its almost always right...What he does when he minimise's his addiction is make himself feel like he doesnt have a problem....And blaming others is what addicts do.....DONT TAKE IT....Its his problem, his addiction and you are not dramatising anything.....Your children are whats important in all of this. Is there anyone you can stay with for a few days just to get your head together????? What I will say is an addict should not be around children...thats my personal view...my son has a son, and ive told him if he is ever around his son when doing drugs, then I WILL go to social services....now as his mother thats hard to say, but his son deserves so much more.....Thankfully when ever he has been on a drug fuelled mission, he stays away....Come on Lauren, you can stay strong...your children need you to be the best parent you can be........here if you need anything hunni xxxxxx

Kyla
15 Jun 2014

Hello. I am in a near identical situation.  Been
 With my fella 11yrs, discovered coke addiction last year and he has also ran up payday loan debts, maxed credit cards secretly ect. He relapsed earlier this year which I didnt discover until after I unexpectedly fell prrgnant with our 2nd child in April.  I took hos bank card away n monitored every penny he spent but he strapped it and then comfesssd he needed 300 quid to pay his dealer. At this point I kicked him out. He came round a few days later and got aggressive m stole my bank card n all the cash I had. I had to call police who notified social services. They have said they would want to asess him before I could let him come back (which I wont until he starts a drug addiction treatment programme) he is sayin he will but keeps puttin it off. So im 4mth preg with a 5yr old n a boyf who isnt facing up to the seriousness of the situation.  I cant offer you advice but would gladly be someone you can talk to if ya need it because I understand your position

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