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Donna

Posted by Donna on 24 March 2015.

Hi, my husband is 47 and we have been married 15 years. Throughout our marriage he has gone on drink and cocaine binges. I have two young children and this has been very very hard. He will just 'disappear'. He wont come home, doesn't answer his phone and never explains where he has been. He generally returns 2/3 days later, smelling and ill. To live with him is hell, he is unpredictable, untrustworthy, snappy and moody. Then once he has made himself so ill through the drugs and drink, he will take 3 weeks off and clean himself up. During this faze he is wonderful, great with the kids, kind considerate and helpful. But then you see him get itchy feet and re-start his cycle of drug/alcohol abuse. This is really getting me down, especially as he cant keep a job.I feel so isolated, and cant share this with friends as i am ashamed of his behaviour. I am worried about the effect this will have on my children aged 12 & 7. Anyone else out there experiencing similar problems?

Comments

JC
24 Mar 2015

Hi Donna, your story reads just like mine. Apart from that I have 3 children, my younger two are a similar age to yours. My husband & I have been together for 19 years & 8 years ago he went to rehab for the first time. This came about After several years of trying to find help for our trouble, I was desperate and it was through relationship counselling that he himself recognised that he might have an addiction problem. It was then that he sought help for the first time. It's been a long road to travel, when he relapses or loses another job, I do question why I am still with him. My advice to you would be that with help and support you will find life gets better because primarily you will find some comfort in knowing that at the very least you are not alone in loving a man with this illness. We will always hold out hope for any improvement or glimpse of hope that the future will be different and I don't have any answers yet myself but I'm hopeful that this time my husband will stick with the program and that our future does get better this time. I'm sure that yours will too & I wish you the very best.

Icarus Trust
29 Mar 2015

Hi Donna,
It must be difficult to deal with your husband's drinking and I'm sorry you feel so isolated. If you would like to talk to someone in complete confidence please get in touch with The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people who are dealing with family or friends with addictive behaviours. We offer a 'Family Friends' service which is free. These are all trained volunteers who are very experienced at talking to people in situations like yourself. It might help you to be put in touch with one of these as they would understand where you are coming from and through talking,  help you to find a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I hope that things get better for you and your family. Good luck!

Pepper
30 Mar 2015

Hi Donna, 
I'm sorry you are going through this, if sounds very similar to my marriage for many years, it is very hard and you must look after yourself and I found that finding out as much information as possible helped me, I read lots of books and searched through many websites to help me deal with my chaotic life and understand what was going on. There are support groups and services out there but you have to find them, for a long time my husband would dismiss there were any problems.  I too have two Children, 12 and 9 and sadly my husband spiralled into his addiction going from socially using cocaine to full blown alcoholism very quickly and he passed away at 44 in December.  I went to a local support service and they helped me to start to set boundaries when we were all living together, I hope your able to find some help and your  husband is able to get help too. Good luck x

Pepper
30 Mar 2015

Hi Donna, 
I'm sorry you are going through this, if sounds very similar to my marriage for many years, it is very hard and you must look after yourself and I found that finding out as much information as possible helped me, I read lots of books and searched through many websites to help me deal with my chaotic life and understand what was going on. There are support groups and services out there but you have to find them, for a long time my husband would dismiss there were any problems.  I too have two Children, 12 and 9 and sadly my husband spiralled into his addiction going from socially using cocaine to full blown alcoholism very quickly and he passed away at 44 in December.  I went to a local support service and they helped me to start to set boundaries when we were all living together, I hope your able to find some help and your  husband is able to get help too. Good luck x

Icarus Trust
13 Apr 2015

Hi Donna,
Don't forget The Icarus Trust will help you to find the support that you need. This is a free service so worth giving us a try.
Good luck!

unhappy
22 Apr 2015

I have a partner with a drink problem. Moods fluctuates. Not a nice person at present while he drinks or when he needs a drink. Lovely when he's not had one. I'm working all the hours god sends while he waits to see if he's going to be allowed to go back to work. He's suspended at work at present. So if he loses his job we will have no income from him. Have four children to support. I feel emotional drained. Just don't want his drink impacting on the children. I really can't put up with the verbal abuse. But I do.  I'm hoping he'll be asleep soon. hes drunk Already .. hope u get help too x

unhappy
22 Apr 2015

I have a partner with a drink problem. Moods fluctuates. Not a nice person at present while he drinks or when he needs a drink. Lovely when he's not had one. I'm working all the hours god sends while he waits to see if he's going to be allowed to go back to work. He's suspended at work at present. So if he loses his job we will have no income from him. Have four children to support. I feel emotional drained. Just don't want his drink impacting on the children. I really can't put up with the verbal abuse. But I do.  I'm hoping he'll be asleep soon. hes drunk Already .. hope u get help too x

Donna
9 Jun 2015

Hi, and thanks for your comments. My life still goes on in this crazy cycle of addiction and then respite. It is seriously draining, and i feel so depressed. I have no family and dont discuss his behaviour with friends as i find it embarrassing. Most of my friends are nice, respectable people who drink in moderation and dont take drugs, they really wouldnt understand. I really do need to contact the Icarus Trust, i feel i really need support. thanks for your comments, it helps to know that you are not the only person in the world going through this. I always feel like i am the only person with a crazy husband. I am beginning to hate him and wish i could just get away but i have no money or home of my own. The house is in his name and he controls everything. I work part time as the children are still young. I dream about escaping this hell of a life!

JC
9 Jun 2015

Hi Donna, I'm so sorry to hear that your still having a bad time. Since your initial post in March and after a 6 month relapse prior to that my husband has been in treatment and things are now finally (fingers crossed) going well for him, sober 50 days (ish).  I also received some support while he was away and I would suggest that you don't hesitate to find a support group for yourself, it will help you not to feel so isolated.  If your husband can admit to there being a problem and wants to try and change, there is plenty of support he can access.  I live in fear of a relapse now but I know he does too & that at least is what is driving him on to remain sober. He goes to 3 AA meetings a week & it's working.  Keep strong and don't forget that while your busy holding it all together, you mustn't neglect your own needs. All the best JC

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