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Enough is Enough

Posted by Kms2014 on 28 September 2014.

Hi, just joined this forum today. Here is my story-
I have been with my partner for 16 years, married for 9 years. When i met him i know he used cocaine occasionally when out socially but he agreed to stop and I had no reason to suspect otherwise.
He built up a successful business and i also have a good job so we literally had more money than we knew what to do with. He gave his parents and siblings endless amounts of money -helped them out of financial situations. We really did have the good life. I then began to suspect that he was using cocaine more. He would go on drinking sessions on a friday afternoon with people he did business with. He claimed it wasnt an issue and it was under control.
Then in 2010 the recession really hit us hard. A number of companies he worked for went bust leaving us with large unpaid invoices. By now i was pregnant with our second child. For me, i have the view that as long as we stick together, i would quite happily live in a caravan. My partner though was tormented by days of former glories and was too stubborn with pride and tried to maintain a champagne lifestyle.
So the past 4 years our lives have gradually got worse and worse. Our debts have spiralled (for a time this was happening without me being aware). He stopped paying the mortgage last year. The first i became aware was when i found a letter for a repossesion hearing. He had hidden all previous letters from me whilst claiming we had no issues financially. To this day i dont know where the mortgage money has gone. I managed to raise funds to clear the arrears but i now know he has destroyed my credit rating so i wouldnt be able to do this a second time. He has had various bouts of counselling, gone to AA, he's on antidepressants (which he only takes if i remind him), had a full health review to check there are no underlying medical issues - but still the spiralling continues. He attends counselling and AA a couple of times but then heclaims "his drinking and cocaine use is not as bad as you think". However if i had a penny for everytime i found a used bag of cocaine hidden down the couch, dropped on the living room, in his pockets, in the car....i would be an extremely rich woman!
In March of this year, he had a particulary bad meltdown. He disappeared for a day and a half. I have no idea where he was. He came back remoresful and said he wanted to change. We seperated for a month and then he swore he would get better and get help. For a time he did but then I started finding the used cocaine bags. I opened his car boot one day to find a bin bag full of empty red wine bottles. i've found them hidden in the garage, the garden, behind the couch....even under my 4 year old daughters bed! The final straw was last week our daughter was ill in the night. I came downstairs and caught him actually snorting cocaine. This isnt the only event of course - its the lies, the coming home late, having no money when you know he has been paid (he is still running his business which has now picked up again) and no explanation as to where the
money has gone.
For me, its like a switch has been flicked. I want out. The anxiety of trying to  help a user who isnt even trying to help themselves was really taking its toll on me. I couldnt face getting out of bed in the morning. Now I feel like a weight has been lifted. He has been gone for 10 days -at his mum and dads -but i feel so much calmer. I face a daunting task of selling our house to clear pur mammoth debts but once this is done i feel like i will be ok. I look forward to a calm life with my two children (8 and 4). They have had a rough couple of years with their dads ups and downs. I have spent the past six - twelve months trying to support him to get better and I am ashamed to say, feel like i have been short and snappy with the children. Its almost like I have had 3 children with him being the needy child.
My issue is this...i have a worry that my partner will do something silly - like attempt to end his life. His behaviour can be so irrational. Despite my dislike of the person he has become, i cant forget the wonderful person he once was before he let drugs and alcohol take control of him. He has text me this morning saying he cant lose me. That if our marriage is over, he has nothing. The sad thing is, i know thats true. His behaviour has driven a lot of his friends and family away. His parents constantly tell him that he is a disappointment to them - despite the fact he spents years supporting them. I can't go back though. I cannot carry on supporting him because I am putting my own sanity at risk. Am i heartless for wanting to put my own happiness first for the first time in years?

Comments

sk
28 Sep 2014

No you are not heartless an addict has to want to help themselves. It is like having another child to look after been with an addict and it does take its toll on you and if you can put your own happiness first then I say do it, do it for you and the kids you all deserve to be happy and he should want that for you too. Take care x

Icarus_Trust
7 Oct 2014

Hi Kms2014,

You are an amazing strong woman, who has done the best for herself and her family.  Do not doubt yourself.  If you want someone to speak to, or perhaps for your children, the Icarus Trust provides support for families of addicts.  This would be great reassurance for you, and it will be from someone who has been in your position.  You can check out their website on www.icarustrust.org or email them directly on info@icarustrust.org.

I wish you and your children the very best.

Swifty
9 Oct 2014

Your story reminds me of my life 20 years ago. My husband didnt have his own business, but made big money in the RN. He was alot older than me, charming, charismatic, funny and very kind, he did alot for his family and several hangers on, but when his addiction to alcohol, took over and destroyed our lives, no one wanted to know, he lost us everything, I was stupid enough to stay with him for 11 years, always remembering the lovely side of his nature, then I became too ill to deal with him. We divorced and he lived another 13 years and we remained friends, I used to visit him, but if problems arose I left, he couldnt manipulate and control me the same, when I had my independance. He had a stroke 7 years before his death and was left in a bad state, he couldnt drink and couldnt live alone, I took him in and was his carer for those last 7 years, not his wife or partner, I am glad when he was sober, he was a delightful character and Im glad we parted through death as friends, but my love, think of you now and the lives of your children. I hope you have support off friends or relatives? All my love and stay strong x

Kms2014
3 Dec 2014

I have only just seen these replies. Sorry
So here I am 2 1/2 months on. Our family home is up for sale. His behaviour has got worse. I dont hear from him for days in end. He hardly comes and sees his children. The ones he said he'd die for. What a wicked thing addiction is.
I am still unravelling the financial mess he got us in and although some days are really tough, i feel like everything is within my control. I dont have the added worry of stressing about him too. I have been in touch with a debt charity called  StepChange who have been a massive help. I can finally sleep at night.
Although i feel sadness when i see my ex, i no longer feel i need to "rescue" him. I think i hoped that the seperation and house being put up for sale would give him a wake up call but it hasn't. In fact he has developed a bigger "victim" mentality and everyone else has the problem,not him.
I am incredibly lucky in that i have totally supportive parents, friends and employer. I can finally see the tiniest glimmer of hope in what has been a very very long tunnel.

Swifty
4 Dec 2014

This season will be tough but it will pass, I keep telling myself...I have never prayed so much and Im not that religious. You have a admirable attitude and I am so happy to hear you have good support . My son has also at present got the victim mentality, blaming everything on me, I no longer feel sorry, because it is pathetic and cruel, he has nearly broken me this year, but I am stil here and calmer than I thought, I would be. Wishing you love and luck and the best of everything, life will get better x

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