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Everyone will be able to relate to this... Long post!

Posted by KF141 on 17 September 2015.

My fiancé is a heroin addict trying his hardest to get clean, we have been together 10 years on and off and have a beautiful 5 year old boy. My fiancé has my full support but he knows he is on his final chance, I am proud of how far he has come and he is currently seeking support through his doctor, drug counsellor with regular meetings. I wanted to share with you all a letter I wrote to my fiancé... Every word is so true and it really made him realise how his addiction affected others, my fiancé had tears rolling down his cheeks reading this, which for him is very rare as he never cries so it must of hit home. I figured if it helped him it might just help others out there understand how an addiction affects people around them not just themself. 

Dear Addiction....
I have been bottling up some feelings for quite sometime and I need to get them out. I hate you! I absolutely despise and hate what you have done to the man I love. I hate what you have done to the person I used to be! I want my fiancé back. I ant myself back. I want my life back. I want my TRUST back and it's not fair you have robbed these things from me. 
At first you made him feel good and took some of his pain away- physically and mentally, but now you are the sole cause of all the pain he feels, including mine. I want you to leave and give me back the man I fell in love with. I want the man that would make me laugh and the man that was so thoughtful of himself and others and who worked really hard back. Instead the past few years you have made my life miserable. You made the man who wouldn't dream of hurting me lie, steal and deceive me. I don't know this man anymore and I don't like the man you left me with. 
Addiction, there have been many things that you have done that have really hurt me, first off the lying... I know when you are around and you try to hide inside 'S', telling him to lie to me and tell stories to me that I want to believe because I love him. I want to believe that you are not around so I am duped and sometimes I do things that not only hurt 'S', but hurt me too. You have made me give money that I need to spend on important things like debts that you have made. You have even made 'S' steal from myself and his family and even when I caught 'S' you still made him lie to me and because I love him, I believed him. Not only is there lying but there is the deceit. You decieved me in many ways. You made 'S' embarrass me when we had family functions/big events to go to, to the point where I would make 'S' stay at home and I would go alone to save me from having to explain why he looked so dopey. I look back now and realise that 'S' would rather be alone because his love for you... Heroin exceeds his love for me, in turn I deceived my family and the people I really care about because I had to make up stories about why 'S' didn't come with me and every time I did that it was so he could be alone with you because you don't like it when I am around because I can see right through you and I ruin your good time together.... I just don't always let you know that I know you are around, because sometimes I just don't have the energy to fight. You are not only hurting me, you are hurting my family and the people I care about most and who would do anything for me and 'S'.

You have ruined some special events in my life, some special moments with some of the most important people in my life because you make 'S' sit there like a zombie while I have to make excuses about how he doesn't feel well or is tired. But you did not hold me back those days! Through the tears, upset and hurt I still have wonderful memories of those days because I wouldn't let you get me diwn too much and I will continue to have good times in my life and I will stop letting you ruin everything for me. 

You robbed me of those things that belonged to me. You took a lot of presents that should of been mine and although they are only material things, I deserved them. You are taking my future of a husband and a family away from me. You are taking my idea of happiness with the only man I have ever loved away from me. You have robbed 'S' of his spirit and his zest because you are controlling all of his actions. I just wish with all my heart he had never tried you! You have destroyed every single piece of his life! You have turned a handsome, gorgeous good looking guy into a pale, drawn in face person who looks twice his age. I look at him from photos  before he started using you and he is unrecognisable. When he doesn't have you, life is great! I long for some normality in my life. I can never just give 'S' money, I can never go out on my own for fear of him relapsing. 

Not only have you destroyed just about everything in our relationship, you are destroying 'S' health. I worry about his health all the time. I worry when he doesn't answer his phone, that his body has packed in from all the drug use. I worry about coming home with our son to find 'S' lifeless body lying in bed dead because of you heroin. 

I used to be so strong and I have overcome many challenges and hard times in life from my mum and dad splitting up from a broken marriage through my dads alcohol addiction. I watched as a child my mother battle cancer, which was distressing and painful, and the recent passing of my dad, my hero my best friend but I have came out of all that a stronger person and believed that life was good and there was still happiness to be found but now I feel like you are winning and I am getting tired and hurt watching fm you take things that I deserve away from me! I am tired of waiting for the good times to outweigh the bad times, because the past few years have been filled with nothing but bad times. 
My depression was caused by you! My loneliness and feelings of isolation are because of you! When you and 'S' are together I have no one to talk to as family and friends I have are sick and tired hearing the same old story again! I resent you, addiction and what you have done to mine and 'S' lives. I envy and I am jealous about the relationship fm you have with the one and only man I've ever loved.

'S' is so much better than you but you are making him believe that he needs you. But I don't need you, I am tired of feeding and supporting you by protecting 'S'. I can't support you in my life anymore. Heroin/ Valium you need to get the F*** out my life! I am allowing you to keep the strong woman that I used to be away from the world. When you are around you make me a controlling, suspicious, doubtful person who is always playing detective. I do not like who I am when you are around. You give me anxiety and your making my life miserable. You make me not want to be around 'S' anymore. Subconsciously I let you control my thoughts the way you control 'S' thoughts. Addiction I cannot continue to let you control me like this! I am not the one with the addiction yet I am the one suffering terribly! 'S' feels nothing! You make him feel nothing and turn him into this horrible, selfish, manipulating person. Addiction affects everyone but I am ready to let go of you and if that means letting go of 'S' then I have to do what is right for me and our son... Because I have tried to do what I thought was right for him but 'S' doesn't see this because you are poisoning his brain. In 'S' eyes everything is my fault when he has had you... Nothing is his fault! I am done with you addiction! I know that if 'S' chooses to leave you  that you may be lurking trying to win him over but I can't let myself be 2nd choice anymore. I can't keep trying to control you... I am fighting a loosing battle. I need to stop caring about you and start caring about me and our family. 

Again sorry this post is so long but this letter above seemed to give my fiancé a shake and realise the things that are important in his life and well I just had to share as every single word is true... Addiction affects everyone not just the addict!

Comments

little Al
21 Sep 2015

I could relate to every word of that. My partner is a heroin addict for 20 years on and off. .His latest relapse has lasted 5 years . Last week I was in hospital and had keyhole surgery to remove my appendix and a cyst on my ovaries. For 5years we have kept his relapse from his family but as I wasn't around they now know. This week he is doing a home detox and has booked time off work. .my worry is not just if he doesn't manage it but also how do I trust him after. .With money in his pocket? We are lucky because although people know we still manage to keep a social life with friends that don't use. .I just wish my partner would realise how lucky he is. Before he was with me he was always in jail or homeless so he has come along way. .good luck to you and your partner 
We have 3 lovely girls by the way x

little Al
21 Sep 2015

I could relate to every word of that. My partner is a heroin addict for 20 years on and off. .His latest relapse has lasted 5 years . Last week I was in hospital and had keyhole surgery to remove my appendix and a cyst on my ovaries. For 5years we have kept his relapse from his family but as I wasn't around they now know. This week he is doing a home detox and has booked time off work. .my worry is not just if he doesn't manage it but also how do I trust him after. .With money in his pocket? We are lucky because although people know we still manage to keep a social life with friends that don't use. .I just wish my partner would realise how lucky he is. Before he was with me he was always in jail or homeless so he has come along way. .good luck to you and your partner 
We have 3 lovely girls by the way x

AdfamAdmin
30 Sep 2015

Hi KF141, thank you very much for sharing your letter to Addiction, it is a very powerful and emotional piece of writing, and inspiring to see that you are able to write so bravely about your feelings after such a difficult experience. I’m sure that, as you say, many other families will be able to relate to your letter and benefit from reading it. As you have written this letter, I thought you might be interested in entering Adfam’s Family Voices competition, which is for friends and family members who have lived through someone else’s substance use to express their thoughts and feelings in a creative and constructive way – as you have done here. If you would like to, please find more information about it here, we would love to hear from you: http://www.adfam.org.uk/professionals/latest_information_and_events/news/591

Icarus Trust
26 Oct 2015

I also found your sad but brave story very moving.
I work for The Icarus Trust a charity that supports the families and friends of addicts. If you would find it helpful to talk with one of our trained volunteers please get in touch.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Good luck and keep strong!

sk
8 Nov 2015

Wow. This is probably the best piece of writing to explain how a person of an addict feels, this was me two years ago until i finally realised nothing was going to change unless i changed it for me and my two beautiful kids. An 18 year relationship gone just like that. Today i feel bitter i am not the person i used to be and doubt i will ever trust another bloke again. I am cold and have massive barriers for another man to try and smash down. The thought of moving forward is scary as the man i leave behind is the only man i have known, but i know i cannot go backwards as i feel numb towards him. Kids think sun shines out of his backside but they do not know the truth. How do you explain that to a 8 and 2 yr old, answer is you dont. The relief of not having to spy through a key hole when he's gone to the toilet or the panic that hes took too long at the shop or sleeping with your purse under the pillow. I just want a normal bloke who will put me n my kids first and will do anything to make us happy. I really hope he does exist and restores my faith in men. I just need to find him!!! Thank you for this its nice to know that I wasn't crazy n paranoid like he made me believe, instead I was right. I tried, I failed but it wasn't my fault.

Blonde moment
25 Nov 2015

Also struck a cord for me particularly his brain being posioned and its all your fault bit , and having every special moment ruined by them or you trying to make excuses for why they can't hold down a job or have to disappear during family functions I never told anyone   Not friends or family I was determined no one would judge him us or think I must be a smack head too seeing as my boyfriend was ( I don't do drugs at all a glass lambrini is as hardcore as I get ;)did five and a half years with my fiance then he went to Serbia had a na opine Implant and to be fair he's more of a lunatic than I ever suspected and guess what still all my fault so enoughs enough be careful what u wish for sometimes clean they still if not more arseholes simple as 😞

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