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Feeling abit lost..

Posted by Lucy on 30 April 2014.

My partner is not here as i said in a recent post i told him to go and thoughts of how i will cope in time are starting..ive been here many times i no i can do it and i no its also quite easy in the early days ive decided to see about a support group..dont know how i feel about this..abit stupid,abit of a hoax bcoz ive been brought up n have learnt to just deal with life by myself but if im serious about living a truly happy life i think ill need support bcoz in time i will miss him i will forget how truly hurtful his betrayal or lies were and the thing i do is find it difficult to be without him in time. I no im a different person today..i am stronger i can and will live without him if he cannot have a life without drugs bcoz it is no real life for me or my children when we are living on lies and he is usin. I wish with all my heart with or without me that he can beat his demons and have a life without drugs..life can be so cruel..i met a man i loved with all my heart i never loved a man before him and he is my best friend..ive never felt as happy as i have with him and at the same time i havent felt as low or hurt or broken as i have by him since being with him,. To wat h somebody u love change before your eyes..to look so sad behind there eyes and to feel the hope between the two of u gradually fade is too much to bear anymore..too tired and hurt to go through it anymore and so i no this feeling will enable me to have a life without him but how i pray that i will love like this again and that the love of my life will one day be free

Comments

MaryM
30 Apr 2014

I can really identify with everything you have said and send you my love.  The betrayal is so hard to deal with and hurts so much.  Emotions become like a roller coaster and the stress becomes too much.  The children are the most important thing and you have to be well and at peace for their sake. Hugs and love from me.

CANT TAKE NO MORE
30 Apr 2014

Aww Lucy...how very brave of you...Its almost easier to carry on and try and muddle through.  As a mother of an addict, I know too well I cant help him...Ive tried for 4 years...ive slowly pulled away, dont give him money, and he can only visit when he isnt on his crap....All the lies, deciet, stealing, just got too much and I was a nervous wreck,...BUT, I am stronger and know he needs to want to stop..when that time comes I will be there all the way supporting him..Its like ive lost him to this demon at the moment, but you can adapt to the situation, and I think you are right in wanting the best for you and your kids......This may be hard hunni, but its far harder being with a person on drugs who sucks the life out of you..literally!!  Good luck, stay strong, and take things day by day....hugs xxxx

Lucy
30 Apr 2014

Thanks for your comments i feel i am gettin my feelings out abit by doin this blog. I have to accept that it will be hard it will be hard to have a life without him bcoz ive only really got him and my children but like u have said a life seeing him in addiction offers nothing and we will continue in circles and after years of supporting him loving him and not giving up i no i want more out of life. Its hard when that person is ur best friend..we have had many 'clean times' together n therefore many many good times..this is obviously why i have stuck by him but we just have to get to a point where we put ourselves first when we realise that we can only change ourselves and that life is short and i dont want my life to b tortured by his addiction. Its hard and it can b draining just staying away staying strong and knowing that u want somebody so much to b in ur life but knowing that u have to do wot is right not wot is easy. I pray he will b truly happy one day x

CANT TAKE NO MORE
30 Apr 2014

He has to want it hunni...and you and no one else can save him...he has to save himself....Thats the really horrible part of loving an addict.....We are all here, but please concentrate on your kids and yourself.....before you know it they will have grown up...I pose the question, do you want the rest of their childhood in a home with a drug addicted father, or in a home that is peaceful, with no real hassle and a mum who concentrates on them....Hard to hear but the truth...you can do it...you have to put your feelings aside im afraid, especially when you have kids...your all they have!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucy
30 Apr 2014

He has tried over the years he really has i think thats why it hurts so much aswell bcoz i no how much he hates it n what his life becomes once that devil is on his back again.. the demons keep coming back n he is back to square one again. He has never used in my hone but i would b lying if i said nothing was around my children bcoz obviously they have seen n heard the fights seen me broken n my oldest eventually aware of his drug abuse and i regret that he will grow up knowing what he does but my priority is myself n kids today and i will put us first today. Hugs to u aswell hun x

CANT TAKE NO MORE
2 May 2014

Hey Lucy, one day at a time...you are strong, you have got through so much already........Im glad you  have identified your priorities..sometimes it goes under the radar, with everything else that life throws at us.....Massive hugs to you and your kids....you go girl and ENJOY your time with your kids, concentrating on them and having fun with them..xxx

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