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Feeling lost and alone

Posted by Wife/Carer on 28 July 2016.

My Husband is is heroin addict. He was an addict before we met, was in recovery when he first started going out and opened up to me 3 months into our relationship about his past. 
The first 3 years of our relationship consisteted of one big and messy relapse where he hit rock bottom, lost his job, had numerous car accidents and our relationship broke down but he eventually seeked help through detox, rehab and detox again after leaving rehab early and immediately relapsing.
I supported him through his recovery and we were back together months into his recovery. During his 18 months clean we bought a house got married and got new jobs. Life was settled and happy. My husband was all you could ask for, generous, kind, loving, caring and fun!!!! ?maybe we rushed into things ?maybe I thought our love was enough to keep him clean ?maybe I thought the happier I am with him the happier he will be. Embarrassingly naive as many are! 
10 months into our married life and he has relapsed again, 3 trechuous months where he again very quickly hit rock bottom, big concerns at work, again with the car accidents, lies, deception and conflict at home. I was sick to my stomach with worry. He booked himself back into detox (which we had to take out a credit card to pay for) and just 3 weeks down the line he's using again.... And totally in denial. We cant talk about it because he becomes defensive and irritable and believes there is no issue...!!! All the things he's learned over the years and all the positive things he said after detox have gone out the window.
I feel constantly sick and worried knowing exactly where this is leading again. Worried when he doesn't come home, knowing he's using, knowing he could overdose or be involved in a car accident.
I don't know where to turn? What to do for the best for me and for him. 
We have no friends/family support with this. He is not engaging in any of the many services that are out there and that he has previously connected with. He's out now, and claims he will start back on his programme 'tomorrow', but the promise of 'tomorrow' never comes...
I know I can't stop him or fix him and that his recovery has to come from him but how do I know how far to carry on with this? We're newly weds life should be great we should be having fun and making plans for our future. 
I want to stay because I want him to be well and for us to be happy, I've lived in faith for too many years now and feel u am at risk of breaking part. If I left I would not stop loving him and would still worry and selfishly where do I go from here......???!!!!

Comments

Sizzle81
18 Aug 2016

I have only joined today and sad to see so many unanswered posts. I don't have any magic answers but just wondered how you were getting on as its been a few weeks since you wrote ??

Sizzle81
18 Aug 2016

I have only joined today and sad to see so many unanswered posts. I don't have any magic answers but just wondered how you were getting on as its been a few weeks since you wrote ??

Sizzle81
18 Aug 2016

I have only joined today and sad to see so many unanswered posts. I don't have any magic answers but just wondered how you were getting on as its been a few weeks since you wrote ??

Icarus Trust
5 Sep 2016

Hi
I'm so sorry that you are having such a horrible time and that you feel so alone. The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports people like yourself who are dealing with the impact of a loved one's addiction. if you contact us you could talk with one of our experienced trained volunteers which might help you to find  a way forward.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.

joan22
10 Sep 2016

I really hope you check back and see the messages. I can only speak as someone in your shoes but 20 years down the road. If I had my time over again? I would have walked and kept on walking and never looked back. The same old lies, excuses and, of course, no real support available for 'carers'. We're grandparents now and I'm the one who is ill - no doubt as a result of all the worry. I found a syringe floating in my toilet this morning. He's out there somewhere and, do you know, I really don't care any more. He was in the last chance saloon ten years ago. I don't want to see him again. I want to move away so I don't have to put up with all the things that I know are going to come next. You sound quite young. I know it's hard - I loved my husband more than life itself. But, slowly, the lies and the deceit break that down. Be strong. Don't let yourself me lied to and used. I will be thinking about you.

Wife/Carer
11 Oct 2016

Hi, thank you all for your comments.
I lost track of this site and could remember how to find it again.

Thank you for your kind words and concern, it has been quite a journey since then.

My husbands relapse did get out of control, I pretty much shut him off, we continued living under the same roof but barely saw each other with such different routines.

I was working, seeing friends and family and focusing on myself as the support advises.

He was 'getting by' continuing to just about work and using morning and night. He was aware I had no tolerance and was intentionally not engaging in with him under the influence.He became extremely low knowing the life of an addict is no life! He again booked himself into detox but there was a long wait. The weeks building up to detox he started attended NA meetings 3x per week and reading the NA bible and worked My on building a relationship hoping for a sponsor.

I have again decided to support him through detox. 
Joan22 I appreciate your thoughts and I am thinking about the things you've said!!! You are right, we are still young and have a lift time ahead of us and I am seriously thinking about all options.
On this occasion I have again committed to stay with him and support him back into recovery due to his determination and commitment.

He is 4 days post detox, he has been to 4 NA meetings in 4 days and is living by the principle 'just for today' to help him stay clean each day.

What I'm wanting to know is, are there any success stories from family out there? 
Has anyone supported a loved one through years and years of successful recovery?

Wife/Carer
11 Oct 2016

Hi, thank you all for your comments.
I lost track of this site and could remember how to find it again.

Thank you for your kind words and concern, it has been quite a journey since then.

My husbands relapse did get out of control, I pretty much shut him off, we continued living under the same roof but barely saw each other with such different routines.

I was working, seeing friends and family and focusing on myself as the support advises.

He was 'getting by' continuing to just about work and using morning and night. He was aware I had no tolerance and was intentionally not engaging in with him under the influence.He became extremely low knowing the life of an addict is no life! He again booked himself into detox but there was a long wait. The weeks building up to detox he started attended NA meetings 3x per week and reading the NA bible and worked My on building a relationship hoping for a sponsor.

I have again decided to support him through detox. 
Joan22 I appreciate your thoughts and I am thinking about the things you've said!!! You are right, we are still young and have a lift time ahead of us and I am seriously thinking about all options.
On this occasion I have again committed to stay with him and support him back into recovery due to his determination and commitment.

He is 4 days post detox, he has been to 4 NA meetings in 4 days and is living by the principle 'just for today' to help him stay clean each day.

What I'm wanting to know is, are there any success stories from family out there? 
Has anyone supported a loved one through years and years of successful recovery?

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