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Has my 23 year relationship been a lie

Posted by Fifi on 26 October 2017.

I have recently discovered my partner is a cocaine addict, well ive known in my heart for over ayear now, but i thought he had it under control or he told me did and he was just doing he's thing!!! It all came to head 3 weeks ago, after a he had what i can only describe as a meltdown in which he verbally abuse both me and our children, which resulted in our 12 year old son asking him to leave and go stay at he mothers to sort his head out, which came as a shock to us both as 1, he worships his dad 2, he a 12 year old boy and doesn't usually say much and 3, he had seriously given this some thought as he said just go for 2 weeks and you can come and see us at the weekend. I must say at this point my partner is not a complete arsehole and he was completely broken, needless to say he went to his mothers. In my mind at this point i thought he's gonna sort hes shit out this will be enough, your son just kicked you out of your own home. 
Well the following friday he come home and i walk into the kithen and find him opening a wrap  , it was at this point i knew, i wasnt going mad and we had a serious problem on our hands. Well as you can imgine i wasnt ok, and explain that this would be a long term situation him being at hes mothers, as you can imgine ive heard it all, ill go to meetings the lot. 
But now im struggling with coming to terms with
1, the break down of my little family unit which up untill say 2 years ago was prefect as far as i was concerned, ive never wanted to be single parent (i know noone does).
2, the loss of my relationship, as i dont know if it will ever be the same. Ive loved this man with my whole being for 23 years and still do and never had any doubt we would grow old together untill now
 3, the bloody mind games, i feel like ive lost myself second guessing everything he says to me, cause i just dont believe what he says and haven't for a long while. I feel like im lossing my mind cause i have read between the line and figure out what the truth, then im second guessing myself and i know what i know.
4, he at his mums and he hasnt told her has a problem, now i got to lie to her, i feel like she looking at me like, well its only a liitle row. Why you kicked him out?
5, i now have all this time in the evening to just think back over the 23 years we've been together and i can see the signs were there all along, he says he wasnt using, but how do i know?????
6, when the your 16 year old say to you, dads not that bad untill he drinks or takes something which cause a chemical inbalance in hes brain and hes no longer my daddy. How do i not feel like the worst parent in the world? And feel like i should have put a stop to this a long time ago.
7, the trust how do you get that back????
Just to let you all know im gojng to the doctors in the morning to see if i can see a counsellor as i know this is to bigger issue to deal with on my own, but i thought this might be a good start. 
Sorry if this was all toomuch imformation.

Comments

Icarus Trust
17 Nov 2017

Hi Fifi,

So sorry to read your story. Thank you for sharing it. This must be so hard for you and I'm really glad to read that you are going to see your doctor for some help. As you say it is hard to do this without support. 
If you would find it useful The Icarus Trust is a charity that offers support to people like yourself who are dealing with the addiction of a loved one.
If you got in touch you could speak to one of our 'family Friends' who are trained and experienced volunteers and  could offer you support.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

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