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Heartbroken,defeated, life sucked out of me

Posted by Enabler on 9 May 2014.

Tears roll down my face, my head pounds, dreaded phone calls, suicide threats, feeling guilty,  that's how I feel every single day. I am 34 my only brother is 40 and since he has been 13 I have been surround by addiction. Countless failed treatment attempts,several prision stunts, multiple severe suicide attemps ranging from hanging hinself with a bedsheet in orision, slicing his neck while incarcerated, and that's only a few. Current situation he is on the run he wwas in jail and was let out for a Dr. Appt never returned and has been on the run for about a year.  He will do anything that will get him high, and if can ahoot it in his arm that's what he prefers.  And drinks all day.  I just dropped his 80lbs 
Shell  off in the rain, in the dark alone,not knowing if he will make if though the night.  Then I return home and try to be a mother to my 3 children and a wife to my husband who has zero sympathy for my brother, so I am alone with my broken heart.  My mom tried to help over the years but it took its toll on her and I feel I have all the burden I do not know how she sleeps at night.  She says I need help. When he is hungry I try to feed him or take him to food shelf r sneak him in for a shower or nap while my husband is gone.  He wonders all night  because he has no where to lay his head.  Why don't I turn him in? Because for one he will attempt suicide,has before I even called to warn them and they didn't listen.and he has a long sentence qnd has said he would rather die in streets then risk dying in prison.  So my days are spent trying to keep him fed, calm and alive while preparing for his funeral in my head.  For somewhere in that shell is my big brother, with the big heart who when sober is so funny and smart. I see the scared,lost little boy who genually thinks his mother hates him and is broken. It's like I'm greiving but not. I can't do the turn your back make him feel completely alone tough live thing. Why? So he can wanna die even more?  So my oldest two kids are off to school my day will now entail hitting the streets looking for my brother,getting him a burger etc, tell him I love him,begging him to turn himself in, and eventually leaving him alone,in tears.  Not sure he has a rock bottom its death next.

Comments

thisway
11 Jun 2014

I cry the same tears. We all do. Bless us and the ones we love.

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