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help me be strong for my son xxx

Posted by scanners on 28 September 2014.

He is on bail for breaking his conditions not to harrass me for money for his drugs, he constantly demands money, tonight he kicked off again by coming to my house when he is not allowed, the police were called and he ran, I had to give a statement, im exhausted by it all, the demands, the abuse, the shouting, im skint potless broke, my money is his money, not sure where it come from but tonight I was as strong as an ox. I will no longer be the enabler, im sick of having nothing not even food in my cupboards.......... so he runs, then he phones, he is crying, he has nowhere to run to, no friends, nowhere to go, ihave told him to hand himself in, it will be better for him to do that, he cannot come home, he tells me he is so sorry for what he put me through, he loves me and is scared he will go to prison now, infact he knows he will because he has broke not only the injunction but bail conditions too. Am I a bad mum for doing this? Im questioning myself pacing the floor, I did not want it to come to this, I love my son very much, he needs help to get off the cannabis, he made a doctors appointment to get some help but thats not till next week. Why did he have to scare me so much, he has never hit me but he plays mind games with me, demanding money, that I hav, nt got, and now he is out there running scared from the police and I cant get that out my head. Xxx

Comments

CANT TAKE NO MORE
28 Sep 2014

Hi scanners, oh bless you. You have been through what most of us parents have...stay strong and stick to your guns..as enablers all we do is add to the problem. We all love our kids, but at what point do they start taking responsibility for their own actions, whilst us parents keep enabling? It's hard, believe me, because I've been where you are....the best thing I did was cut him off, and made him aware that if he continued to do drugs then he was on his own....it's hard, frightening and tiring , but for us as a family was the best decision we made. My son also went to prison for several weeks, and I didn't visit him at all. It by no means was the wake up call he needed, however it gave him time to stop and think about his shitty life. That was the end of July this year....since then he has made big steps....he got himself a job, sees a counsellor, and has had one relapse....but he's fighting it, and I truly believe that having us in his life supporting him means more than the life he led on drugs...he just needed to see that. Every day is a battle for him, but he said to me the other day, he feels normal, and likes it....that made me cry...we still have a long way to go, mental health issues need addressing because drugs mess heads up.....continue loving your son, but make that decision to stop enabling and stick to it....hugs Hunni and here if you need to chat xxxx

scanners
28 Sep 2014

You are a very strong woman, me on other hand am the weakest softest woman there is. Im trying to be strong, thank you xxxxbless xxx

lolipop
28 Sep 2014

Hi scanners ... I too feel very weak sometimes when dealing with my son he can be very aggressive demanding and manipulative especially when he wants money for weed . When I look at him I see my beautiful little boy and I wonder how he came to be this sad lonely person who feels drugs are his only choice. He still lives at home and some days are very difficult . I keep trying everyday and have managed to put some boundaries in place which I stick to . I love my son very much and hope and pray that one day he will make better choices. Thinking of you xx

scanners
28 Sep 2014

I am very weak, I try to be strong,but I cant be when around him, I hated coming home from work knowing he was here waiting for me and only wanting money, thats why I took the injunction out so he left me alone,, its got to the stage, he scares the crap out of me, how awful is that to say, its gone on 10 years too long, I have nothing. I also have a younger son to look after who Is a dream compared to his brother. Today I spent time with my wonderful 2yr old grandson, we played and it was wonderful, I felt safe as I had no one screaming at me for money. My son has phoned me and told me he will go and hand himself in, I hope he does. Thank you "cant take no more and lolipop" hugs to you both, I hope one day I can say my son has changed for the better. Xxxxxx

wisdom59
28 Sep 2014

Hi Scanners, I just signed up today although the situation has existed for 3 or 4 years now. I also feel very weak and manipulated by my youngest daughters illness. I agree with "cant take no more" 100%. I love my children including my youngest beyond life itself and her addition to heroine has devastated to the core the family life we had had. I would bail her out, she would say all the right things get money for food (let me tell you it's not food their getting) I tried to cut all ties wasn't strong enough brought her in kept constant eyes on her with the family, good for 20 days then started to say how she needed to go out for some breathing space that didn't last a week till most of her nephews & nieces electronics came up missing she pawned them that kind of was last straw she lost place to live was told to leave go to friends, mission we were done. she was caught stealing got jail time for that, been through rehab/withdraw 4 times or more I was their each and every time with her pleading which when I caved would only lead to more drug abuse for her and emotional abuse for family till last time I explained I'm done I told her I loved her with all my heart would not ever dis claim her as my daughter and am very glad in fact to have her as my daughter but I can't say how much I hate HER life choices, I would not be there to bail her out, not to call me for money She sat in jail the last time for about 30 days she got bailed out not by me and is awaiting trial in Dec. She is reporting to her probation officer, has been clean sober for about 35 days now, did get a job and is sincerely trying. I do know that when I steeped away from enabling her and she seen so called friends weren't there to help her and while she was in jail was attending a ministry there which genuinely did give her a new perspective. sorry i'm rambling be strong to this day I won't forget how she was putting the blame for her addiction on me and during one of her pleading for money that it was my fault cause her exact words "your my dad your supposed to protect me" I cant ever explain how long and how much that hurt but it took about 6 months to accept the fact I can't protect her from herself and maybe indeed that jail was the best protection. It's been "my" experience that genuine heart felt prayer has helped the most but remember that even God gives us free will to choose. during all the drama times I came to tell myself that's not my daughter talking it's the drug influence  Stay Strong, I will pray for you and your son

CANT TAKE NO MORE
28 Sep 2014

Hi ladies, it's so hard, and i enabled my son for 4 years..I was weak too, but I've seen my son high, irrational, begging for money, finding crap in his room, seeing the boy who I didn't recognise, and believe me it wasn't just cannabis , weed, he was taking.....cannabis IMO should be criminalised with massive consequences..cause they start with this rubbish and turn to stronger stuff.....I've heard him say he wants to kill himself, hurt someone, he has thieves, lied, done pretty much everything and more....and I helped him.....gave him money, brought him food, set him up in a flat, paid his fines.....thankfully I sought help for me, and got support...and once I made the decision to stop enabling him I stuck to it...it really is the hardest thing a parent can do, but it was the right decision for my family and I, and that includes my son....every day is a battle for those addicts out there..I pray your kids seek the help they need....hugs to all xxx

Icarus_Trust
7 Oct 2014

Hi everyone,

Some of you may think you're weak, but reaching out is the first step and shows you are a strong person.  The Icarus Trust provides support for the families of addicts.  You will have a family friend as a contact who will do their very best.  You can get in touch with them through the website www.icarustrust.org or email them on info@icarustrust.org.

We wish you all, the very best

Icarus_Trust
7 Oct 2014

Hi everyone,

Some of you may think you're weak, but reaching out is the first step and shows you are a strong person.  The Icarus Trust provides support for the families of addicts.  You will have a family friend as a contact who will do their very best.  You can get in touch with them through the website www.icarustrust.org or email them on info@icarustrust.org.

We wish you all, the very best

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