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Help please!!...

Posted by Gem0805 on 10 April 2016.

Right....I'm gonna try and make this as short as possible....but may fail.....so nearly a year ago I met a guy through a dating sight....we clicked instantly and I loved how kind and caring he was....and sensitive too....after seeing each other for a few months I realised I was falling for him...so we became an item....I just felt like he was holding back something from me...and I found his job a little odd...strange hours....really crap wage and no holiday pay....it was as if it might of been some kind of volunteer job for ex cons....so one day before he was coming to see me I decided to google his name.....and that was one of the worst days of my life!!...I found out the man I loved was a criminal and heroin addict!!...I was so so shocked and read all of the newspaper reports...how the judges always said he came across as such a nice person and really remorseful for his crimes...and that he had just chosen the wrong path in life and could of been so much more!!...any way he was coming round that night...so I confronted him!!....he cried and cried and said he so wanted to tell me....but that he was so scared of losing me that he just couldn't bring himself to do it....it was hard,but I decided I wouldn't judge him for his past and just begged him to tell me everything ....anyway after I got over that deceit...it was brilliant...we only saw each at weekends....but I have had so much happiness over the last year and my kids also fell totally in love with him!!......but then around 2 months ago he started asking to borrow money...he always paid me bk on payday...but I just didn't get why all of a sudden he was always super skint....then he stopped wanting to go anywhere...and would just sit up in my bedroom if any of my friends came round...then one night he was staying over and I fell asleep on the sofa....when I woke up he wasn't in the room....I lay there for a bit trying to wake up and around 10 mins later I heard him come out of the bathroom ..he came downstairs and went straight to his coat and zipped something I the pocket!!...that's when I started to worry....I watched him like a hawk every weekend after that and even checked his pockets...I didn't find anything so I put it down to me being paranoid....then he started saying he would like to move closer to me so we could see each other more....we decided it was still to soon for him to move in....but my mum heard us discussing it and offered him one of her spare rooms for quite cheap...we thought that was a great idea and that he could eventually get a job over here...but in the meantime he would use the buses to get to work...so he moved over bank holiday week end..I started noticing that weekend that he constantly had a rucksack on his bk...he took it to my mums but always brought it bk...but when he was at mine he would come in with it..but then it would disappear...I realised he was hiding something in there...I found the bag checked it and found.....heroin ,needles and citric acid!!....😳😳😳.....I could of died there on the spot!!...he had brought that shit into my house....where my 3 children were!!...I couldn't confront him u til the kids went bed...but when I did....he eventually admitted it....and cried and cried and begged me for help and told me he hated himself and what he was doing!!...my heart could have broken for him...I have never seen someone so desperate or sad!!...so I told him to get rid of that shit and that I would help him....I researched all I could and got him lots of medicines that would apparently help with withdrawal!!...he promised me he hadn't touched anything that following week!!...I found him numbers for support services and told him to book in the doctors!!..he still hasn't done that...anyway so last weekend..he was at mine again....I was constantly checking up on him and checking his pockets...and searching my house for stuff....and then Lo and behold I find another stash of stuff hidden high up in my bathroom!!....I told him we were over.....he broke down...told me had nothing to live for without me!!...told me she would be homeless because my mum wouldn't let him stay there once she knew we weren't together!!...I gave in again!!...he pleaded ,begged and sword he could kick the habit and gd would do it for us!!....so then yesterday came!!...he went in the loo for ages!!..he came out hyper!!...I checked his pockets and yes I found more!!!...my heart broke a little more!!!...I told him to leave again!!!...he sat and cried for 2 hours!!.. Oh and this week he also lost his job!!...he is as low as anyone can get and its killing me in side...I have felt sick for the lAst month....I believe nothing he says!!...I literally am all he has got though!!!....I relented last night and let him stay ,I got my sister round and told her everything!!..after going crazy at me...she spoke to him and felt so so sorry for him too....she promised to help to....so As it stands he has said he will go to the drugs centre tomorrow to ask for help!!...i've said I will go with him!!...I want to help him and love him so much!!...but I can't see I will ever be able to trust him!!..he had lied constantly to me!!..I feel constantly sick and scared and hate when he's not near me coz I'm so worried something bad will happen.....I have just text him to tell him we are over...he hasn't replied!!....I feel sick and am not strong enough to deal with this.....but I also can't bear that I am all he has left ,but I am just gonna dessert him!!...he will probably manage to change my mind again tomorrow!!...I don't know what to do ...I need help/advice!!..xx

Comments

Helenjh
13 Apr 2016

Oh Gem I am sorry you are going through this - its tough when somebody you love is an addict - for me it is my son :'( 
what you have to remember is whenever he is abusing a substance he will also be lying to you and will say what ever he thinks you want to hear or what ever he has to in order to manipulate you into doing what he wants!

Addiction is an illness and the addict is not the person you fell in love with..... while you may feel you have a duty of care to him because you are all he has got - there is a reason you are all he has got! 

You also have to remember that you have a duty of care not only to yourself but to your children and you have to put you and them way before him .....because he wont will abusing he will always put himself first.

You need to stay strong - i know how hard it is - i had to put my son in rehab when he was 15 years old and he has been on and off the substance abuse wagon ever since - right now he is clean (but only for 7 weeks) and when he is clean he is the loveliest person you could meet - when he is abusing he is the worst person you could meet :'( 

I cannot walk away from him because he is my son - he is my responsibility - this man is not yours! I hope you can find the strength to protect you and your family from any more pain he may cause xx

Gem0805
14 Apr 2016

Hi Helenjn .....Thankyou so much for replying to me...I thought for a few days that maybe nobody used this site........well lots has happened since I first posted....we went to the drugs centre on Monday...he gave all his details and admitted he had been using for a few months and it had got out of hand.....he said he wanted help and think he was hoping to get a script for some subs straight away....anyway after that we went round time and I asked him to call some numbers for jobs and asked him to get me a mini bank statement so I could see what money he had...well he came up with an excuse as to why I couldn't check his bank...he forgot to print the statement and his phone banking app was broke....also he kept putting off ringing numbers for jobs .so I said just use my phone...he said he would..but that he was going for a ciggie first...when he came back....he said he had rang about a job...straight away I'm thinking why would he do it out side,when he knows I'm struggling to believe anything he says....so I asked him to let me see his phone to see if he had rang.....the call had been cancelled!!!..anyway that night I let him stop...I didn't want him out my sight...the next day I had work....he said he was going to go into the nearby town...to get some food and job hunt....that was at 9.30 in the morning....I didn't hear from him again...so by one I was panicking and ringing and texting him...then his phone went off ....I was absolutely beside myself...imagining him using or worse dead somewhere....I decided then I couldn't cope with this...I messaged his dad to beg him to help him!!...anyway at around 4 he rang me....as bright as u like...said he had been really busy...in the library ,job hunting and that he had been bk in the drugs centre....just to chat with a counsellor ......I went mad at him for putting me through  that when he knew how scared I was and he just said he was sorry and that he was just trying to be pro active like I wanted and that his phone had gone dead...so he had to wait until he got back my mums to charge it!!...I just couldn't speak and said ok I will speak to u later......when I got off the phone...I rang the drugs centre...my name is down so they can discuss him with me too!!...he hadn't been in...he had lied again!!!...then today before we were about to leave to go to the centre again ,he nipped shop and left his phone at mine.....he never leaves his phone!!...I quickly had a look and saw a message he had sent  yesterday....trying to score!!!.....absolutely gutted!!...when he came in....I told him I knew he had lied again...I told him to leave that minute....we went....my heart broke...I cried I screamed....then I turned detective again...I found bus tickets...dated the day he was supposedly job hunting....he had gone back to his old drug haunt!!...he had totally lied to me once again.....anyway...as it stands...I can't cut him off completely....I want to know he's ok....I want to see him get better....he has supposedly gone to his dad's....I don't know...he has text me...begging me not to give up on him...to just let him get his head straight and if I agree to see him in the future..he promises I will see a difference.....I feel like someone has died...I want to move on...but I am going over all the if onlys and what if's......could he ever actually change or is he a lost cause??
I am so sorry about your son Helen.....how heart breaking,I can't even imagine the despair u feel...Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me xx

Icarus Trust
22 Apr 2016

Hi Gem,
I'm so sad for you, it is heart breaking what you are going through. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We support the families of people like yourself who are trying to deal with a loved ones addiction. We have experienced trained volunteers called Family Friends that you could speak with if you think that would help you. Sometimes just talking to people who understand helps make sense off things and could also signpost you to what other help is out there.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that you can get some support for yourself. Keep strong!

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