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hopeless addict

Posted by anarette on 2 November 2014.

Hi,Im new here.My story is that I am married to a heroin addict for 9 years.When we met he had 5 years clean and was a religious man. He relapsed 2 years into our marriage and since then its been relapse after relapse. Over the years he's changed so much.Of course like many I paid thousands for rehab, looked after him ,supported him but eventually he would go back to drugs.Because he used to live in another country in europe, every time  he relapses he would go back to his mothers house abroad who would look after him even while he used drugs so I had no help from his family.In fact his mother was a massive enabler even giving him money to buy drugs.
So every time life was a bit tough ,off he;d go for a while.Bit then I began to notice that he would start taking drugs when life is going well .He was doing well in business, our marriage was fine ,money, no problem and bang, another round with drugs.
As time passed, I became more  and more tired .I always kicked him out when he took drugs .I always tried to reason with him and give him chances but eventually if he continued to take heroin then I would say he had to leave.
He started to take drugs again in 2012 and since then he cant get clean.We have been separated for almost 3 years.He came back briefly in the summer of 2013 for 3 months but went back again in September 2013 , came back again in xmas 2013 and stayed for 4 months but it got impossible as he started stealing things from the house .I had to tell him to go again as I knew it would be computers and smart tv's next .I had no choice unless I want all my belongings gone.
His legs started to swell while he was here but he didnt listen and I was worried for his health.He left and I decided to leave for good this time as I was very tired of this roller coaster.I didnt hear anything for about 4 months and then he emailed me to say he went into hopsital and nearly died.
He is very traumatised. He had stuff coming out of his legs soaking his trousers was homeless as his mother by now had left the country .He was spat on by people as he looked like a beggar.The ambulance was called in the end when he started vomiting blood.They had todo emergency operation on his throat as he had these varicels which are oesophagus veins bleeding which can be fatal if not banded .He was very close to death .The doctors told him that if he had left it another few days his legs would need amputating.
He now has hep c , cirrhosis of liver and is on lots of medication.
They then put him in a homeless shelter .I went to see him because I realised that he might die and loved him still very much.
By now he lost all his family, they didn't even contact him when he was in hospital , no friends,lost his flat everything.
He was put on methadone but when I went to see him, I knew he was back on heroin again.I can just tell,I don't need evidence.
I didn't want to confront him as I was looking at a man clinging on to life .I mentioned it but told him it wasn't a good idea .There was no point getting angry.My poor husband had destroyed himself .
He was so thin , ragged looking and with a typical drug addict walk, head down , walking with short fast paces,never giving eye contact. 
It was obvious without knowing him he was a junkie .
My heart went out to him because I saw a man struggling to stay alive and at the same time killing himself with heroin again.
I came back home and he wanted to come here and get clean and start over.I knew I was taking a huge risk and had no expectations but at least I could give him one more chance to try and get clean.
Ive been like a nurse for 2 weeks now and he is looking like a different man .Good food rest protein drinks soups , you name it he had it plus no stress.He gave up the methadone and was clean for 6 days but then had extreme agitation as he couldn't sleep .
Even though Im against all drugs I did suggest maybe some hash to help as a medicine for a few days .Of course ,I cant believe how foolish I was, he went off and got heroin. I realised as I gave him the money that this was what he was going todo and regretted it .
Now today he has gone to a meeting, although he probably has gone to a dealer.who knows.
Now I sit here and to be honest it doesn't matter that I suggested hash or weed ,whatever its called, fi he's gonna take hard drugs he's gonna find a way whether through me or stealing.
And I think its a hopeless case with my husband .
He is still very ill with his liver and he wont last long.
Ive tried tough love , talking , boundaries, encouragement ,even sending him to another country far away to a drug rehab but nothing has worked.
Sometimes nothing works . You can try giving ultimatums, drug rehabs , methadone, meetings ,compassion ,love and still he will go out and take drugs.
Now Im not angry anymore but very sad and filled with sorrow because in my husbands case I believe he is mentally ill from it all.His heart is dead .The man I love is not there anymore .He can be sitting with me but we are like on other planets.If I try to speak to him very very gently ,he doesn't want to listen.
So again Im facing what todo. If he continues to keep taking hard drugs ,I will have no choice but to let him go an for good this time knowing that he will probably die alone in a homeless shelter.That is the reality.
And Im grieving that I have to maybe leave my husband go to his death.
I keep praying for a solution or that God will wake him up .Its out of my hands .
But still I have a tiny hope that maybe he did go to a meeting and he will be okay .
When faced with a pending tragedy , you can cling onto anything to have hope .
I just cant bury him .Im not strong enough todo that.
Of course Imo heart broken.I would even prefer we were divorced and he was clean than death.I would hope that he gets clean and saves himself ,better that than our marriage.

Comments

Icarus_Trust
6 Nov 2014

Hi Anarette,

For a situation such as this, you need help too.  This is an awful lot for one person to take on, and it is having an affect on you too.  I know you are doing all you can do for him, but what about you?  The Icarus Trust is an charity which provides a free Family Friend, who is someone for you to speak to.  And then there is a signposting service to help you find the best help for you, your family and your situation.  Please get in touch with them on info@icarustrust.org or go to their website www.icarustrust.org.  

I really hope this is some help for you.  All the best.

Icarus_Trust
6 Nov 2014

Hi Anarette,

For a situation such as this, you need help too.  This is an awful lot for one person to take on, and it is having an affect on you too.  I know you are doing all you can do for him, but what about you?  The Icarus Trust is an charity which provides a free Family Friend, who is someone for you to speak to.  And then there is a signposting service to help you find the best help for you, your family and your situation.  Please get in touch with them on info@icarustrust.org or go to their website www.icarustrust.org.  

I really hope this is some help for you.  All the best.

CazAndyx
11 Nov 2014

Thank you for the kind words you left on my blob, it meant a lot :)
I can truly empathise with your journey and as others have said you must get support, I wish I had years ago, but in the three years prior to my brothers passing, I did get help and it really helped me put things in to perspective. I hated hating him, it was awful. I think the drug takes hold of us all doesn't it, it becomes all of our dirty secret, it has such power. 
I know in my heart my brother would never have chosen that journey, as no ones family, partners etc would have had they have known just how powerful it is. Which is why I am so appalled at the lack of supports given, its more than 'just a junkie'.
My heart goes out to you, it really does because its a horrid place to be, the pain is relieved everyday when you see whats happening to the person you adore.Its like an illness, so do and some don't beat it. I just wish the government would give more supports but then the system is no longer about people is it, its about money. 
Be strong, seek supports, stay positive. x

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