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How can I cope

Posted by Marigold on 9 June 2015.

My son is due out of prison - again - in 2 weeks.  He is 32. Diagnosed with ADHD when he was 9, refuses medication, but has used drink and drugs, mainly cannabis, to help him with his anxieties.  He has had numerous GBH offences, ABH, burglary etc - all due to drink, which makes him violent.  I cannot have him home but cannot stop the awful feeling of dread and mainly GUILT that I cannot offer him a home here.  He has been evicted from every property he has ever had, and always, always blames everybody else.  He has been violent to my husband, and can really frighten me.  When he is in ;prison he is a different person, warm, funny, loving - the son I would love him to be. His brother and rest of family have nothing to do with him.  I am DREADING him coming out again, for the phone calls when he is sobbing, crying, swearing, threatening etc etc.  I have tried counselling, but still feel the guilt.  How can I cope with this?

Comments

CANT TAKE NO MORE
17 Jun 2015

I use to feel such guilt, but not any more. I raised my son to know right from wrong, always championed him in everything he did as a boy, showered him with love and felt such pride. That changed when he started taking drugs. I enabled him due to the guilt, because I thought it was obviously something I had done. Raised him wrong, done something? Well how wrong I was....it took me a while to realise...after putting up with lying, stealing, verbal abuse, anger outbursts....then I got tough....your son is 32, and can take care of himself...give him that responsibility...and stick to your guns. The penny will drop eventually....tough love is the hardest thing I've ever done, but, something I knew was right. I now have a better relationship with him and he knows the boundaries...good luck and if you can get support for you! Hugs xxx

CANT TAKE NO MORE
17 Jun 2015

I use to feel such guilt, but not any more. I raised my son to know right from wrong, always championed him in everything he did as a boy, showered him with love and felt such pride. That changed when he started taking drugs. I enabled him due to the guilt, because I thought it was obviously something I had done. Raised him wrong, done something? Well how wrong I was....it took me a while to realise...after putting up with lying, stealing, verbal abuse, anger outbursts....then I got tough....your son is 32, and can take care of himself...give him that responsibility...and stick to your guns. The penny will drop eventually....tough love is the hardest thing I've ever done, but, something I knew was right. I now have a better relationship with him and he knows the boundaries...good luck and if you can get support for you! Hugs xxx

Icarus Trust
23 Jun 2015

Hi Marigold,
Cant Take No More has given you such good advice and she really knows what you are going through.
If you would like some support for yourself The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports family and friends of addicts. We offer a free service called 'family Friends' who are experienced trained volunteers who you could be put in touch with and may help you to deal with the guilt that you are feeling. I know you said you have tried counselling but if you would like to talk with people who do understand what you are dealing with please get in touch.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

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