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How can I save his life ......it could be so good?

Posted by SadSue on 20 August 2013.

My son is now 30 years old and he makes my life a living hell! He had a very well paid job until Jan this year when he was more or less forced to resign due to his addictions. He drinks too much and once he's had a few drinks he starts on the cocaine. He's got his own flat, still working and earning good money and lots of friends who encourage him to change his lifestyle and me! I try to help by being there every morning with a packed lunch for him, cup of tea and toast ( he calls round as his flat is close by) even though I'm usually shattered after working a 10 hour night shift.
He borrows money off me....promising that THIS time he's going to sort himself out and like a fool I believe him every time. I always HOPE that maybe it really will be the time that he turns his life around, I know that he HATES his life and what he's doing to himself but he just can't stop. Everyone tells me to give up on him and it's got to the point where I think I will have to as he's ruining my life as well as his own.
My partner doesn't support me at all but I don't blame him as he thinks he's trying to make me see sense by telling me what a "mug" I am. The thing is....I KNOW I'm a mug but I'm constantly torn between trying to help my son and trying not to let it all interfere with the life that my partner and I want to have together.
It's got to the stage that my son has loans which he's taken out to get himself straight and pay off dealers, he's up to his limit with his overdraft and even though he's working he's losing the motivation to work. He knows he needs to work to sort his debts out but he can't be bothered...he'd rather sit at home drinking and buying in more cocaine on credit!
I have read some of the stories on this site tonight, the ones where mothers are waiting for a knock on the door to say their child is dead and I hate myself for saying this but sometimes I think that would be the only way out of this hell!! I'm not a bad mother, I've tried and tried to help my son, I've tried so many times to get him to go with me to a drop in centre to start getting help, I've lent him money to pay off the dealers to make a fresh start, I feed him...clean his flat BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO HELP! 
He's had lovely girlfriends in the past but none now for a couple of years ....he'd love to have someone special in his life but who could ever live with him? He has a gym membership that he's paid every month for years but hardly ever used but when I suggested cancelling it he said it was his motivation to get fit and stop the drink and drugs......so now I've been paying it for the past 4 months, hoping he would keep going BUT I'm wasting my money. He has my mobile phone as he lost his and I pay each month to top it up as without it he wouldn't have any work, he has my car in his name so that he can have insurance to drive as he needs to drive for his job.
I'm not trying to say I'm a saint....I'm just a mother who is desperate for her son to be able to lead a normal life. I cry sometimes when I look at NORMAL people, couples, young men talking and laughing....and I think "WHY CAN'T THAT BE MY SON?".
My ex husband lives a few miles away......he hates me phoning him but now and again I plead with him to try to help. He resents me asking but I feel that it's his son too and he might be able to get through to him. He'll make a token gesture...then get on with his own life again and leave me to cope with it all.
I once managed to get my son to go along to the doctor to ask for help but all they did was give him some leaflets and point him in the direction of the local drop in centre. They didn't even give him a check over....maybe a liver check could have scared him into stopping the drink..which in turn would help him (maybe) stop taking cocaine. After that...he just gave up even more, and said that it was pointless as no one wanted to help him.
I'm lucky that I have an understanding family, sisters and a mother who listen to me when I need someone to talk to but even they are starting to believe I should leave him to his own fate. The trouble is that I know he really wants to change but the drugs don't let him! He isn't really the hateful, selfish, sullen, self pitying person that calls round asking to borrow money......somewhere the real person is trying to surface but he can't do it because the drink and drugs are taking over. 
I just wish he could fight it....one day at a time....If not I doubt if he will see his 31st birthday! What a waste of life! There's so much in life to enjoy....so much for free and yet he's paying out £50 a time ( hundreds some weeks) for something that makes him feel like shit, depressed, tired, broke, friendless, angry and paranoid about just about everything!! It's just all so hopeless!!

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