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I feel so alone!!

Posted by Lbz16 on 7 April 2016.

I met a lovely man and we just "clicked" really hit it off. After a few weeks he told me that he was having a joint, I immediately disliked this, couldn't believe what he was telling me, I felt angry at me for not telling me right away. I told him my views on weed and he told me that it wasn't that bad and it wasn't something that he did regularly, I really liked him so I believed this. And now nearly 2 years down the line, I'm here, living in his house, paying all the bills because he lost his job through his lack of motivation and nothing seems to get through to him. I love him totally, but I hate that he smokes weed every day and that he doesn't see on the rare occasions that he hasn't had at least 1 or knows that he can get some later that he's a complete nightmare, he behaves like a spoilt child and is so cruel to me verbally and then he'll completely shut down and ignore me. I cry a lot and I know that doesn't help the situation but I feel inadequate all the time, that I'm not good enough because if I was then he wouldn't need it in his life!! I've tried so many times explaining this to him, asking him, begging him to stop, to please make me the priority. He's told me that he isn't addicted and always gets really defensive and hurt if I even hint towards that but I just don't understand how he can keep doing something that he knows makes me desperately unhappy and feels like it physically hurts every time he does, why would anyone conciously hurt the person that they say they love. He's tells me that he's never going to change, it's what he does and I don't know what to do with that information. I love him, I really love him but I don't want my life to be like this. I've got a good responsible job, I've got good friends and good family and weed just isn't acceptable for a man in his 30s to still be doing like he's a teenager. He has responsiblies, he has 2 children (they don't live with him but he is in contact with them) and he's now been out of work for a year. I pay all the bills and any money he does get he always finds a way to buy weed with it, even though there are more important things like rent and electricity, he takes for granted that I pay them. I gave him money over Christmas to buy Christmas presents for his family and I'm fairly sure that not all the money went on presents even though I said that's what it was for, I struggled for money so that his family, his children could have something and I would have appreciated if there was spare money that it would go towards bills. I do believe that he loves me, I see glimpses that tell me that he does, but it feels like he can't let go of his past habits, which isn't helped by the people that he calls his friends...all drug abusers. He would drop anything to help them if they need anything, giving them a place to sleep etc even when I've said I'm not happy about it. I feel so unimportant to him, it feels like the only thing that is important is his bloody plant!! I've read lots, I know it's not as dangerous as some drugs, I've never disputed that but it's tearing us apart so why can't he stop?!! Why aren't I and what we have a good enough reason to stop?! Why is there no fear of losing me? Why is there no pain from hurting me? I don't understand!!!! I can't talk to my family about this situation because they would disapprove of me living under the same roof of someone that takes any kind of illegal drugs, I'm scared because I have a responsible job that I could lose my job because there are drugs in my house! I hate the smell around me all the time, I hate always being made to feel second best to everything, I hate that he can close himself off from the world and not be emotionally attached like I am!! But I love him!! Any advice would be welcomed, any support would be welcomed, I don't know who to turn to and I just feel alone all the time!!!

Comments

Fin
7 Apr 2016

I know how alone you feel, even when the one you love is near, you still feel alone. I'm feeling it right now as while typing this message my wife is asleep on the floor downstairs due to her addiction to alcohol. I love her but at the same time I don't know if I do. I love the idea of her, I love the woman I fell in love with but there comes a time when your with an 'addict' that you have to realize who you loved was someone different. My advise to you, is don't beat yourself up, don't spend countless hours trying to convince him he is an addict or he should change as none of it matters as the only person who can change him is himself. I've spent the last 12 months trying to help, to change my wife so to get back the woman I love but I've learnt nothing I do matters as it has to come from her and not me. Also do remember that while he may not feel he has a choice, you do ! You can chose to spend your time with someone you love feeling lonely and sad, letting the addiction beat you or you can chose to move on. When you decide is up to you but please don't let his addiction overwhelm you. If you want to talk I'm happy to help, my advice is just based on experiance. The hardest thing as a partner is to accept your powerless against it but when you do accept this it is hard but does help. I hope this post helps if not now then in the future. Take Care - Fin

Lbz16
9 Apr 2016

Thanks for your reply Fin. It's so difficult because it makes me feel like it's me...like there is something wrong with me because he says he hasn't got a problem. If he hasn't got a problem then why am I currently in the situation I'm in now. Looking on this website I found the download about boundaries. I spoke to him about it, asked for some time away from weed, just him to be him, for it not to be part of my life every day. He agreed that i could have today. We've had a nice day, he was a bit short tempered this morning but overall we've had a nice few hours out of the house. As soon as we get back in he said "are you gonna moan if I have a joint" of course I said yes and now he's sulking, he doesn't want to do anything, everything I suggest he's shrugged off and now he's gone to sleep, making me feel like I've done something wrong. He said it was the same as having a fag or having a brew, we've been out and done stuff today and now we're back home so what does it matter. He says my ideas about it are all wrong, are they? Am I wrong to think it's a problem that he can't just be with me without having a smoke every day?!? So sad

Fin
9 Apr 2016

Hi Liz. You must never blame yourself for this. It is sad but it is his choice to do what he does. It's his choice that he puts it before you and your future together. Its his choice as well to ignore the impact it has on you both. As for his reaction I know it too well through my own situation,  it makes you doubt yourself, it makes you feel bad like your in the wrong. Please don't ever doubt yourself and be mindful when things like this happen so you can protect yourself. Addiction does affect the adictee but you have a choice as to whether it affects you. In my mind there is no excuse for using drugs or alcohol in a way which is detrimental to those around you. Addiction can almost become an excuse. If your partner doesn't see this or doesn't want to listen try writing down your feelings. Tell him how it affects you, tell him what you want and need from him. It's easy not to listen but he can't ignore your words. It is sad but if he can't see this or escape it you can. Trust yourself and never doubt yourself or what you feel. If easier than through the blog my email is gleofinch@gmail.com. your not alone.

Fin
9 Apr 2016

Hi Liz. You must never blame yourself for this. It is sad but it is his choice to do what he does. It's his choice that he puts it before you and your future together. Its his choice as well to ignore the impact it has on you both. As for his reaction I know it too well through my own situation,  it makes you doubt yourself, it makes you feel bad like your in the wrong. Please don't ever doubt yourself and be mindful when things like this happen so you can protect yourself. Addiction does affect the adictee but you have a choice as to whether it affects you. In my mind there is no excuse for using drugs or alcohol in a way which is detrimental to those around you. Addiction can almost become an excuse. If your partner doesn't see this or doesn't want to listen try writing down your feelings. Tell him how it affects you, tell him what you want and need from him. It's easy not to listen but he can't ignore your words. It is sad but if he can't see this or escape it you can. Trust yourself and never doubt yourself or what you feel. If easier than through the blog my email is gleofinch@gmail.com. your not alone.

Icarus Trust
21 Apr 2016

Hi Liz,
I'm sorry that you feel so alone in all of this. It must be very difficult for you not to be able to talk to your family. However, there is help that you could access. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We support people like yourself who are affected by their loved ones addictions. We have experienced trained volunteers and it might help you to talk with one of them.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

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