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I give up

Posted by Floo64 on 4 January 2015.

I cant do this on my own, i really have no idea where to even go or what to do anymore..
ive been smoking weed and cigs hardcore sine 2009, i have been actively trying to quit for a year now. I cant even go a day without smoking, its all i think about, it consumes my life now. it never used to be this way. i have an addictive personality it sends me into panic mode thinking of not smoking ever again in my life .

i know its just weed and tobacco, but its to the point where i cant eat  or sleep if i don't smoke, i go into rage modes where i physically hurt myself and others, i try killing myself, i literally go insane. After the rage stops my whole body and mind just hurt, for up to 4 days after the rage episode. its like, once my mind is there i cant stop until i explode, i call it a brain orgasm, im so mean, i don't even remember half the shit i say to people or do, i just get so angry and upset. 

the longest ive gone without smoking in three years is about 7 days, the nightmares, the waking up in a wet bed from sweating all night, even if its cold inside my room, i sweat, makes sense, im going through withdrawals, but i cant eat for five days, i don't sleep for five full days, its hell.

its to the point where i only smoke to feel sick, i like the tobacco buzz, my mind also thinks it wont get high unless the cig tobacco is mixed with it. i smoke all day long, i puke about 3 times a day from it.
my lungs sound like a 90 year old, i have really bad congestion where i cant even breathe after i smoke, i have to gasp for air. 

with that said, i still dont care what its doing to my body as long as i have my weed and cigs. I have been to the doctors and they tell me i either have bi polar, or a mood disorder with depression. I cant even keep a job for longer than a year. it always ends up with this cycle.

im not a really lazy person, i like, i NEED to be around people to feel happy, but its like once i have a job, even one that i love, i can only hang for about 8 months, then i go into these huge depression spells where it effects everything in my life. I almost got fired for exploding on my manager four months ago.

im afraid to go back to work or even look for another job, i dont want to be stressed out and have to smoke weed after work, it will make it worse. i really just have no idea what to do anymore. ive asked, and ive done everything i can think of to make this change possible. i just cant do it alone, its so hard. its such a hopeless feeling, im so tired of crying over the same things every time, my fiance' deserves better than this. 

i need help. idk what to do

Comments

lolipop
4 Jan 2015

First off you sound so sad . Your post could be from my son that's exactly how he is . The only difference is you want to stop using weed oh how I wish my son would have the same understanding of his situation . I think it's going to be hard work for you but just think of the positive way your life will improve ! Have you contacted a drug support group you can't do this on your own its sounds to me like you need professional help . Did your doctor offer you any help ? If not see a different doctor . Where I live we have lots of help for people like you looking to make changes I don't know if your lucky enough to have access to these types of support .. It will be so good if you could contact someone and just speak to them please try . I hate to think of you suffering and I'm sure your family and fiancé feel the same . 
Best wishes 
Lolipop

CANT TAKE NO MORE
4 Jan 2015

Oh dear Hunni, your post made me extremely sad... I know it's hard, cause I've seen it first hand....but with the right help you can stop your addiction..the fact you have come on here speaks volumes...good luck, and we are all behind you..you can do it..speak to your doctor if you can, and get some support xxx

mrs blue
5 Jan 2015

Hello...take it a day at a time. Stop the weed but keep on with the cigs. Get an attitude that weeds shit and your not putting that horrible shit in your system again. Also smoking weed affects your moods. It isn't called dope for nothing. You sound down in the dumps and fed up. Weed will zap the life and energy out of you. Withdrawal affects people differently. Read up on others who have overcome addiction and how it changed their life. Be strong. There are lots of things in life that we think are hard to do. This doesn't mean we cant do them. All habits can be broken. Imagine yourself clear headed and making decisions without being stoned. Thinking clearly and getting back in touch with emotions that have been flattened by the weed is truly liberating. You can do it. Best of support and luck to you.

Icarus Trust
6 Jan 2015

Hi,
So sad to read how bad things are for you. 
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer support from experienced trained volunteers who you could talk to. Talking with them might be good as it could help you not to feel so alone. They could also signpost you or your fiancé to other help that's available. This is a free service so I hope that you might give it a try and that it supports you to overcome these addictions.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
All the very best to you.

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