mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli

for
families

We care, for the better.

A place for families, because you don't have to use drugs to be affected by them.

sign in

Sign in to make comments and contribute your own stories. Or click here to register if you've never used the blog before.

Sign In

Want to find a support group? Enter your postcode or town below to find a support group near you.

Find help

Share Your Story

I lost the love of my life last year through alcohol

Posted by Nathan Parkinson on 29 September 2014.

I posted this on my facebook feed last week. I thought I would share.

Time for honesty. 

The grief over losing my dear partner after several years together is like I'm going mad...  He was my soul mate and my world, I wouldn't wish it on my enemy. For those who knew him you can only agree he was so unique and special. He made me laugh and smile more than anyone on this planet could. 2013 was so bad, 2014 the reality sets in. 

The whole situation has been made much worse by his family; arguing in the intensive care unit. Him going missing and just calling me, the constant animosity from the due to lack of acceptance, the bankruptcy, us splitting up, his brother threatening me via email the night before the funeral, his family saying in his eulogy "if he had only met someone special in his life", the priest at the funeral saying "he went to London to expand his business where he met friends, but ultimately some of them were not", his mother telling my mum last month not to tell me where his grave is (later blocked my Mum on FB) and the ultimate throwing away of so many of our belongings - it's a dripping tap and nightmare that wants to make me scream all day long.  The fact is we adored each other, we text and called each for a decade, 20 times a day from every single corner of the globe, travelled the world, sang songs, danced around our apartment and cried at looking at each other we adored each other so much. It was a gay relationship but who cares? He was my family.. He was just 37. :((( 

Seven stages of grief? It's a relentless torment that never goes away 24/7. A few close friends let me down massively last year too. Maybe it was too much for them I suppose. We all hide away from trouble - some just hid too well. Grief comes and goes in the strangest ways but for some reason I've cried my eyes out every night this week - missing him, the unfairness of it all, the lack of respect and support from his family, so many reminders of him now I'm back in London (I moved back from living abroad 2 months ago), the need to be good and rise above people all the time, moving countries, trying to prove a point, constantly trying, missing friends, settling back into London. Blah blah blah... 

Worst is people saying "it will get better" "time will heal"... What if I don't want it to? Maybe I don't want to forget! "Be strong and move on".... Why? For who? The phrases are automatic because people can't cope with the subject of death. 

I normally share so many amazing moments, stories and places. Today my friends, this is me being open, helpless and sad.... (And no I'm not going to kill myself, like some have suggested after I posted this) I have thought it, but I won't.... I've had the worst most inappropriate comments said to me over the past year. "What will you do", "I feel so sorry for you", "oh I'm so sorry".... Well Winston Churchill famously said never ever ever, ever, ever, give up. This week ladies and gentlemen and heart on my sleeve - I'm done.. I suppose you always see me loving life, being so energetic and passionate. Well here's the reality. The brave face has cracked.... 

This is a very personal status update - I've been thinking for weeks about sharing my true thoughts and the time came. Beats theatre reviews and cat videos. I'm so tired of it all spinning around in my head...... If you find it hard to imagine how I feel, imagine your wife/husband/partner dies - then their wicked family says you meant nothing after a decade of love and throws everything you had away, teddy bears with names included. 

 There is a light at the end of the tunnel - yes. Problem is, the journey of grief is harder than any words can say. I was going to delete this as soon as I wrote it.... a few of you have messaged me to  say "it's not good to project such stuff on FB" - but why not, part of me wanted to be daring, open and to share. Maybe I'm too honest.. But unlike many of you I have so many friends I love all around the world. Please don't judge me for being open and honest guys.. 

It was a bad few days. The ups and downs of life... 2013 is catching up with me it seems. 

Grief is the price we pay for love. My world has changed forever...

Comments

CANT TAKE NO MORE
29 Sep 2014

Nathan, how very lucky the love of your life was to know such a  loving, warm , caring man....your honesty hits the mark, and I applaud you for it....my son has an alcohol problem...his road to sobriety is a tough one..That and the cocktail of drugs.....every day is a battle....only yesterday he succumbed, then in the cold light of day blamed everyone else for wanting to see him fail....so selfish, but then that's how it works..Nathan, hold onto the love you shared, grieve in your own time, and never apologise for how you feel. As for my son, well, it's his battle, and only he can do it..I'm the bystander, who cheers him on when he has doubts, stays away when the beer and drugs kicks in...I'm not heartless, but I won't enable, and I won't be part of that horrid life he gets sucked into....I was trying to work out how long he has been sober, and it's since the middle of July...2 relapses.....I hope he conquers his demons..all I want is for him to be happy, not too much to ask is it? Anyway Hunni, I'm sending you a cyber hug, and the belief that there are people who care....luv to you, and here if you want to talk xxxx

scanners
6 Oct 2014

Bless you nathan, I ditto that cyber hug too! Xxx

Icarus_Trust
7 Oct 2014

Hi Nathan,

That is one astounding story.  It's unbelievable how heartless people can be.  Good on you for expressing yourself.  

Your situation is a very tragic and unique one, but if you should ever want someone to talk to, they are out there.  The Icarus Trust are all about providing help and support where it is needed.  Drop them an email on info@icarustrust.org or go their website www.icarustrust.org is you would like someone to speak to.

You must be signed in to comment. To sign in, use the form to the right, or click here to register if you've never used the blog before.

Submit