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I want my dad back!

Posted by TaziG on 1 May 2012.

I only noticed about 6 years ago that my dad was a alcolholic but he was drinking years before then. I am 18 and currently living with my mum and 2 brothers after being involved in numerous occasions of domestic violence. 
I remember the feeling of walking home from school and not wanting to go home because I knew that as soon as I walked through that front door I would be confronted by a drunk dad who was always looking for a argument. I used to put my music on full and sit in my room to drown out my parents arguing until it would get to the point where I would go downstairs and try and help my mum calm him down. On quite a few occasions him being drunk led him to ask for a knife so he could go over to a field and kill himself or 'protect' himself from any police trying to arrest him. 
The one occasion I remember the most is when my dad started an argument with my mum over something stupid and then he kept asking for a knife so I told him I wasnt going to give him one so he stormed out after an hour of arguing, so me and my family decided it'd be best to lock him out of the house because he was really scaring me, as this point I must of been about 12 years of age so it was really worrying to see someone you love and call dad destroying his life and his family. 
Once we had locked him out me and my mum and brothers gathered up all the knives put duc tape around them all and hid them in my brothers room and locked outselves in the room with the knives so my dad couldnt get to us or them. 
I was on the phone to the police and my mum was on the phone to my dad who was threatening to break into the house and ome get us if we didnt let him in, obviously we didnt let him in and eventually the police did come and he ran away until the police found him. The worst bit was walking past the police car and seeing my dad look at me knowing that I had got him arrested. I have never ever forgotten the look in his eyes. He looked sad at how he could do this to the people he loved. 
Over the past years he has also attempted suicide on numerous occasions. I remember the first time he did it, me and my mum went out and my dad seemed fine I would not have guessed that within a few hours he would have taken an overdose and put a belt around his neck in a field...He survived but I can remember thinking all night that I was gonna get a phone call from my mum saying he had died.

Even to this day he is still drinking even though he tells me he isnt. I have seen the bottles in his flat... 
He had cancer of the oesophagus a couple of years back and was told not too long ago that if he continued to drink then he would only have roughly 6 months to live...We are roughly on month 4 of this...and he is still drinking. 
Its horrible to see someone you love so much destroying their life and not seem to care. I am the only one out of my faily who still keeps in contact with him, even after all he has done I cannot just cut him out of my life! He means the world me to..his my dad and I love him to bits but I cant stand to see him like this. 
I saw him about a month ago and he looked really ill, he was pale, skinny and really grey! A couple of weeks later the doctors told him how they think he has heart or circulation problems and thats when it hit home...That he wont be around for much longer. I know he is killing himself and he knows it too but he doesnt seem to care. I have told him how I dont want to lose him but he doesnt seem to care. 
I am lucky enough to have an amazing boyfriend who supports me loads, but even this isnt enough when im home alone thinking about the past and how much I miss MY dad. The dad I used to cuddle on the sofa when I was little and watch tweenies with and sing the theme tune together. I miss being able to talk to him about all my problems and the latest gossip. I just miss him! 
He isnt the same man I grew up with and thats what hurts most...I dont think I'll ever see that man again and it breaks my heart. 

My advice to anyone reading this is to get help as soon as they notice a problem..I wish I did years ago because now it seems to late. The alcohol has already got him and I dont think Im getting my dad back. The one thing that gets me most is that I know he wont be there to walk me down the aisle...

I hope whoever is reading this gets the help they need. And remember you are not alone!


13 Jan 2013

Your story brought tears to my eyes. To think someone so young had to go through that is just awful. My sons are now 31 and 29 but it still hurts that their dad would rather have a drink than anything else.(for about the last 10 years now)
 The bottle is a hard mistress and no-one and nothing comes close. My husband preferred to carry on drinking and miss his youngest son's wedding than pack in the bottle. You must remember none of his problems are down to you, it is entirely his choice, but madam booze will not be given up easily. As my sons say, they have grieved for their dad although his body is still here, his mind has left us all. 
An alcoholic has to want help in order to get it and sometimes they just won't/can't admit there is a problem so why do they need help? I just wish there was more help for us poor people who ave to live through these terrible times. 
As you do walk down the aisle,with your Mum or brother at your side, try to think of the best time you had with your Dad before the rot set in. I'm sure he will be watching from above if the worst has happened. Take care of yourself and good luck in life.

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