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If I could turn back time

Posted by joan22 on 10 September 2016.

If you are young enough and strong enough and you are so fed up with being lied to and used, and feel your health is being damaged as a result of worry - walk away. Walk and keep on walking, and don't look back. Yes, it will hurt, but five, ten, fifteen years down the road you will be so, so pleased you did. I wish I had. I have endured the never-ending lies, begging, crying, prison visits, no real support for over 20 years. Thought he'd cracked it this time, but it was all one big lie. I asked him to leave when I found the syringe. He'll lose his job next. Then he'll steal. And then, if he doesn't kill himself, he'll go back to prison. I don't want him back. I don't want to see him again. I'm tired. I am ill. Was he worth it? NO!!! However painful, however difficult, if you have come to the end of the road, turn right and keep going. I wish I had. The way I see him now is like a zombie - not a real person. He's not there.

Comments

Icarus Trust
19 Sep 2016

Hi Joan,
I'm so sorry to read how difficult and painful your life has been over 20 years. If would help at all to talk with those who would understand please contact The Icarus Trust. we are a charity that supports the friends and families of addicts.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Take care and good luck.

leanne
28 Oct 2016

I am so sorry for what u have bn threw it is like I am in your shoes just now. Av bn with my partner on and off for 15 years he is also a herion addict Av bn threw all what u have said. And am really struggling there is also violence and social services involved in my life just now. I have thrown him out so many times. But the same as you a think he will change. I have two children to him. Wot goes threw my head is That I feel sorry for him then I take him bk because I am scared that he's goin to be found dead and I,ll feel so guilty for me and my children. I really wish I could turn bk time is well because this is no life for me or my children. It feels like am in a rutt and a cant get out. I hope you all the bed in your future. I have just found this site on hear and I think its so helpful to read other sad stories and it feels I can relate and speak about it so thank you xxx

leanne
28 Oct 2016

I am so sorry for what u have bn threw it is like I am in your shoes just now. Av bn with my partner on and off for 15 years he is also a herion addict Av bn threw all what u have said. And am really struggling there is also violence and social services involved in my life just now. I have thrown him out so many times. But the same as you a think he will change. I have two children to him. Wot goes threw my head is That I feel sorry for him then I take him bk because I am scared that he's goin to be found dead and I,ll feel so guilty for me and my children. I really wish I could turn bk time is well because this is no life for me or my children. It feels like am in a rutt and a cant get out. I hope you all the bed in your future. I have just found this site on hear and I think its so helpful to read other sad stories and it feels I can relate and speak about it so thank you xxx

joan22
31 Oct 2016

Hi Leanne - Sorry I've taken so long to reply, I forgot my password! I used to be like you and worry about things like him dying and then, as the years went by, I sometimes wished he would (awful, I know). Now I am just numb to it and think 'Let him get on with it - just don't let him involve me in his dramas'.  One of the hardest things for me has been having to cope with the amount of attention he craves. Another one is how I have been tarred with the same brush and have gradually lost my standing in the community because of his addiction and his actions. I recently phoned a charity helpline and will never, ever call one again. They wanted to know his name, my name, where we lived - all sorts. I didn't feel I could really offload. Please stay in touch and I hope you find yourself out of the rut soon. Belinda

leanne
1 Nov 2016

Hi joan22 thank you for your comment and kindness means alot. I am the exact same just like u a feel people judge me and think am on drugs is well its so horrible and degrading, I also Say to myself a wish he would just walk away meet somebody new and let me be me. I am battling with bad depression is well a feel a cant speak about my feelings to anyone coz its like there judging me. A know taking him bk is the wrong thing to do but its like he can be a great person when he's clean and a know he adores his children when he is straight he's bn going to a drug worker once a month and he was off it for nearly 2 years but its like he wants to control me am not aloud to go out with friend coz he thinks am cheating then he,ll call me horrible names and we end up pysically fighting each other. I just feel Av failed as a parent for my 2 beautiful children😢 a feel and everyone else feels that Av picked him over my children's safety and its getting me so low. I love my children they are the world to me. I hope I get the strength one day to never look bk and feel so guilty. I lie in my bed at night in tears because I hate myself for what I have put my children threw and that Av wasted 15 years of my life. I just wish life wasn't so cruel and hard. Its really nice bn able to talk to someone that's bn threw the same all the best again and thank you 😊

joan22
2 Nov 2016

It's very hard coping with a drug addict in the family when you have got children to care for. My children are grown up now and we are grandparents. What I used to do when things got bad was to cut myself off from my partner. This way, I never once had social services get involved and I was able to give my children as normal a life as possible. Of course, there were always dramas, lots of prison visits and all the rest - the embarrassment of all his court appearances. I feel I've wasted my life too. One of the biggest drawbacks of sticking with him for so long is that I've always had to be the breadwinner. To cope with stress over the years, I smoked (normal cigarettes). Unfortunately, I have now been diagnosed with emphysema (I can still run, walk miles etc as it's in the early stages) but really don't want to work as hard as I have done. He hasn't stepped up, of course. He's got a part-time job that he moans about every second of the day. To be honest, he's lucky to have it - he permanently stinks of weed and I don't think any other employer would put up with him for more than a day. The heroin addition is always in the background as well. He's been on methadone for absolutely years and is reluctant to come off it. I tell my daughter every day: 'Find yourself someone nice and don't end up like me - having to work.' Because of his addiction, my other half is like a child trapped in a middle-aged man's body. He demands a lot of attention, which is really draining - especially after a hard day's work. He moans constantly and also puts me down. Sometimes, I wish someone could see what I am having to cope with in my own home and step in and explain to him the pressure he is putting on me. When we were younger, he used to do all the things you mention above - accuse me of cheating and was controlling. Now I realise this is just a means of detracting attention away from what he might be doing. My other half can be lovely. He looks like the boy next door and if we didn't live in a small community nobody would guess his background. I think I fell for him for what I thought he could be, not what he was. Big mistake. I am not surprised you are depressed, but things do get better. I have always found speaking to strangers better because people who know me switch of as soon as I mention his name. They are sick of it all. I can't blame them. Chin up, Leanne, you are not alone. x

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