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Is there hope.... Or I'm I just wanting to believe it

Posted by Kf on 22 January 2015.

I'll start at the beginning and try to keep this brief. My ex partner has a heroin and Valium habit and is addicted to methadone. We split in August when enough was enough for me and his chaotic drug use was becoming a huge issue and he very nearly OD. I had to leave to protect our son as my ex was becoming abusive aswell with the drug use. I packed a bag for me and my son and left suddenly, police were involved quite a few times and social work too. I spent just over a month homeless sleeping on friends couches, before I moved into my uncles temporarily in September before getting my own place in October. During the month of August I cut my ex completely out of our sons life to protect my son, we were due to go on holiday to visit family in August but my ex had the police involved to stop me and raised court action against me for child abduction as I only had a one way ticket at the time as it was all I could afford at the time but I made sure I had a return ticket before I left, we never got that far though. Anyway since then I was cleared of child abduction and it went onto a child welfare hearing and it has been that since. At the first hearing my ex was granted 4 hrs supervised access with his parents present whilst I have a residence order. Second hearing he failed his drug test but his lawyer had an explanation as to why he failed and his access was increased to two 6hr visits a week and the supervision was lifted... Which really did baffle me as to why the sheriff didn't curtail his access anyway the third hearing back in December the visits were kept the same as he had failed to present a drugs test. I have the next court hearing this coming Monday. Anyway since new year we have been getting along really quite well, he texted me at new year wishing us a happy new year and saying how he is such a fool for everything he's done and how much he misses me and our son being together as a family. I still really love him and I just cannot get over him, we were together 8 years and he was my bestfriend and soulmate as well as my partner, I really do miss him tons he was my world and he still is no matter how much crap he's put me through over the years, I just cannot come to terms being without such a special person in my life. Anyway he called me earlier this week to inform me he had failed his drug test for court next week and he was open and honest with me for the first time ever saying he had one too many drinks on Christmas Day and he dabbled with heroin and Valium. Although I'm disappointed I couldn't help but feel really happy that for the first time in his life he openly admitted to me what he had done, he didn't need to, I could of found out at court. He also told me lots of other things during the call that I could easily have used against him. He had told me he hit rock bottom when we left but that he lost his job in December and that was the icing on the cake for him. I know that having not touched a drug since the beginning of January isn't very long but for him it really is great progress. He has told me he really want help to get off everything including his methadone and he's prepared to do anything to achieve that. He has been referred to counselling and has a meeting end of this week. He hopes to get a place in a 12 week rehab too and really wants to try the implant/blockers. I know these are just words but he really does seem sincere and wants to get off everything. He still says he loves me and of course his son and he would like to think we have a future together. I invited him round to my place twice this week which my family really would not approve of and we have been talking loads. I'm scared that writing this will somehow jinx everything and we will be back to square one soon enough but at the same time I can't help but feel just a tiny bit of hope and I'm clinging onto it tightly, really not sure if I'm just wanting to believe he can change, feeling a bit confused at the moment. I just know I can't live without him so I really hope this is it, it's all I have ever wanted but at the same time I'm terrified of him relapsing. I really am proud at how he is wanting to change, he says he's not worthy of me until he proves himself so he doesn't want to get back into a relationship immediately but he wants to focus on getting clean. I have reassured him that I'm always there for him for support. What do you all think? Is there any advice on anything else I can do to support him, I know it's a long journey but if he's determined to do this I want to be with him all the way.

Comments

Icarus Trust
22 Jan 2015

Hi,
You sound like a really strong supportive person and I really hope that your partner is able to use the help he is given to get better. He seems to be saying and doing the right things at the moment, but it may not be an easy road ahead for either of you. I really hope that you can get some support for yourself too because what you're dealing with is hard. The Icarus Trust is a charity that supports the families and friends of people with addictions. We offer the free service of our trained volunteers called 'family Friends' who you could talk with, which may help you if you can offload  your feelings and worries. They could also signpost you to the other services that may help your partner.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this helps you, as well as your partner.

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