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It goes on and on

Posted by lmacd on 29 July 2014.

Not sure where to start, the nightmare has been going on for so long. My beautiful son was born 28years ago. He being the 3rd son and much wanted. His father and I had so much hope for their future. By the time my son was 3 yrs old, I was alone bringing them up. In a refuge wondering how we would cope. I understood that they would all be affected by the chaos they had experienced during the period of their young lives and tried to love, protect and support them.   I could have never realised how bad it would become. My baby son grew up with the most loving, empathtic and kind heart. He was wonderful to be with. At the age of 15 yrs, I knew that he was smoking skunk. But i had no idea how young he started to smoke this dreaded evil drug. He changed from this lovely young man. He had mood swings and was unmotivated, dropped out of college at the age of 17 yrs. He was hanging around with other peers that were into drugs from the age of 14yrs. By the age of 19yrs, his life was in chaos, he had been beaten up a few times by then. I have had to take him to casulty after one such incident. He was in trouble with the police and hanging around with young people that were into strong drugs. He never stopped asking for money and also to pay  the countless debts. He was always been fined for not payment of fines that i would pay. During this time, I had met a lovely partner, who was aware of  the turmoil in my life. He was not put off. We moved house, hoping that by giving my son a new start somewhere else, we could help him recover. Of course my son found new friends that were into drugs. His behaviour got more erratic. Often we would come home to find him with so called friends. Out of their heads on drugs grinning from ear to ear at us. This time was very difficult to bear. My son was lying to us to obtain money. Telling us he was in debt to dangerous people who would hurt him. I would pay these debts because I couldn't bear to think of my son being hurt. I after all was the person that had always tried to protect him. This caused major rows between (my now husband) and me.  I still protected my son at the risk of loosing my husband. My husband tried to talk to my son (my husband is counsellor). But my son would abuse him and call him the most fowl names. My husband and I would stay out of the house to keep out of firing ranch of my son's abuse, and erratic moods swings. Often just walking around a shopping areas or sitting at work as we dreaded going home.  I offered all the support i could. Offering to pay for drugs counselling. I took him to my family doctor, which frankly was useless. I looked up support groups for him. I sat with him for hours when he stated he would change. I tried to reach him by hugging him and holding him when he cried. I went to pick him up in the car, and bring him home when he was out of his head on drugs and sat with him while he slept. I fed him, buying him food that he asked for and liked. He just left the food, of course he couldn't eat.  Because i was worried at the wieght lose he looked so skinny.   Nothing worked, it got worse. My husband and i asked him to leave the home after he had screamed at both of us and threatened to kill him.  He went to live with family. At this time the drugs use consummed him. He had a coke problem, he confessed to us.  He was asked to leave where he was living. He found a room, I paid for the deposit and the rent for months (until he got on his feet), he never got on his feet. I just kept bailing him out, food, money and debts. I won't bore you with the rest. Needless to say, this has gone on for 2 years since he left.O something important i forgot to mention, during these years, he has threatened to kill himself over and over again. Imagine the fear and pain of worry that he might actully do it one day.   I have no words for the pain i feel, it is indescribable. I have had to cut him out of my life for the moment. I cannot operate on a daily basis if i don't. However, this by no means makes it easier, on the contrary, i feel a numbness. All i do know is, I am in my 60s now, and i can't do this anymore. If that's selfish or inconsiderate, i will have to live with it. What i do know is i have try to live. Yes, i will beat my self up. And ask all the questions over and over. Could i have done a better job as a mother?. Did i do this to my beautiful son?. Am i doing the right thing now?. He is about to find himself homeless again. Should I run and get him?. Hug him and say I will make it better?.   What do i know?.   There is one thing I am sure of though, and that is, O bloody hell, I love him and miss him.   If only he knew that.

Comments

sk
29 Jul 2014

Its not your fault. Addicts are selfish and know exactly how to pull on your heart strings. Sometimes you have to step back and think about yourself for a change and you should'nt feel guilty for that.
I feel that we are the victims in all of this at least they had a choice in the begining we don't get that opportunity, we are just the people who have to pick up the pieces time and time again. I hope your son will one day realise how lucky he is to have you as his mum.xx

Sunny
30 Jul 2014

My situation is very similar.  Difference is I have given up and have done so for many years.  I direct my full attention to my partner, my daughter her husband and three little grandchildren and other family members.  Sadly my son has become a lost cause.  He is now on the methodone treatment.  I leave his future with him and the mental health team.  He was diagnosed with schizophrenia at aged 21 but was going wacky before. He was an A grade student at a Grammar School.  A brilliant student, musician, gymnastics, horse rider, skier, you name it he was good at it.  He is now middle thirties and looks like a walking skeleton.  We are all amazed he is still alive.  Heartbreaking? yes.  But life is for the living and he is barely alive.  Extremely frightening person to be around.  You win some you lose some.  That is life.

derekb
3 Aug 2014

You have been having, and still are, a terrible time and it is natural to feel that you could have done things differently and therefore fell as though it is I n someway your fault. It is not!  There are thousands of people just like you, affected by people that they are close to that have a problem with addiction. The Icarus Trust was set up to give somebody like you the opportunity to talk things through with a 'Family Friend' who can help find some support for you while you support your family. The Icarus team are dedicated and confidential, just send an email to help@icarustrust.org to make contact.
The Icarus Trust is proud to be working with Adfam.

wendy
5 Aug 2014

i have just had to ask my son to leave and my story is the same it has been going on for 7 years and it has made me ill to the point i find it hard to live a normal life

wendy
5 Aug 2014

i have just had to ask my son to leave and my story is the same it has been going on for 7 years and it has made me ill to the point i find it hard to live a normal life

lou
14 Aug 2014

Thanks for all of your kind supportive comments. I have taken a while to reply because I had to get away for a few days. I can't tell you how it has helped to know others understand how you feel. It does not stop the pain inside and I miss my son everyday. I have only heard from him once since I asked him not to contact me until he is serious about stopping drugs. The text I had was, that he will be homeless soon and he has no money and no food. I have heard this over and over again. 
I have made the choice to let him get on with it. How I am struggling with that. But I know I have to or it will go on and on. I have told him, I am here when we can have a relationship like mother and son, not a relationship that is build on dependency and enabling. His choice. 
Thanks again for your kind words. Please remember the longer we mums continue to give the wrong kind of support. The longer we will endure this horrible relationships with our children. I long for a lovely relationship with the son I was had, but I also no that is not possible at this time. From it goes on and on and on.

CANT TAKE NO MORE
14 Aug 2014

Hi Lou, your story could be mirror image of mine, and its heart breaking but I stopped enabling my son some months ago...during his 24 years he has been in YOI twice and did several weeks in prison afew weeks ago.  I got the rest of the family on board and had to explain what a lying, thieving , manipulating person he had become...Ive cried till I thought my heart would break, and felt ashamed, disgusted, annoyed, sad, empty....Now however I feel empowered in the realisation that whatever I try to do to help, will never be enough......Its time he grew up, smelt the coffee and dealt with things ...I wont ever stop loving him, and will offer all the support in the world, but im not making it easy....I dont take him to his counsellor anymore, or sort things out with the appointments..Im done!!! At the moment, he is doing everything in his power but I know aswell as every parent of an addict that it could be short lived....I am proud to say I have stopped enabling him....BUT, Im also proud that he is trying to sort his life out..its down to him!!!!

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