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Posted by Snow on 11 January 2016.

When i met my husband nearly 20 years ago i knew he had had his problems but had no knowledge he had been a drug user or addicted to class A drugs prior to us getting married.  Shortly after getting married his behaviour changed.  I put this down to us expecting a baby and moving home all quite quickly.  This was new to me, I had no experience of drugs or what to look for.

It came out whilst i was heavily pregnant that he had an addiction to Heroin.  A few weeks after my daughter was born we argued.  I went out to take her for a walk and something told me to return home.  I returned and was feeding her, he came and kissed her and went upstairs as we were not speaking.  I heard a loud bang and ran upstairs.  He was collapsed behind the bedroom door not breathing and had turned blue.  I called 999 and they tried to calm me and talk to me, i was quite hysterical and said I didn't have time to speak as he was not breathing.  I ran upstairs and realised we had a phone up there too.  The fantastic emergency services talked me through giving him CPR and by some miracle he started breathing again, so loudly she could hear him on the phone.  The ambulance then arrived and took over.  It took a long time to stabilise him and even reach the hospital as we had to travel so slowly in the ambulance as his heart kept stopping.  This addiction continued for many years until I was expecting my second child 5 years later.  At that point I knew i could not do this anymore and following my sons birth he did stop using.  

Life took a turn for the better and I hadn't been this happy in a long time.  About 4 years later we were there again. This time it resulted in him going to rehab.  He left rehab after 3 weeks and came home more determined than ever.  Life was fantastic.  Over the next few years he managed to set up his own business and managed to excel last year saving for nearly half the cost of buying our home.

Earlier this year I had three relatives, including my dad die very suddenly within a week.  This was a great shock and I took some time off work to sort things.  I went back to work a few months later.  Then after a couple of months i had noticed my husband was at home from work early (he never has time off!) and knew something was wrong.   But still never imagined we would ever be back there again.  Then I found a syringe. My heart sank, i confronted him, he did not know what to say.  I had to get out of the house, i was so upset.  When I returned home he had left the home, he said for a few days to get his head together, I also felt this was for the best.  Bit as always he promised me the world and he returned home swearing to me that it was over and he did not want that life.  

More fool me.  The last 3 and 1/2 months have been a misery.  He went away to the coast which we paid for for a couple of weeks which we paid for to sort of do our own rehab.  After a week he came home unexpected.  He said the relationship was over and i would be better off without him.  I was distraught, but asked him to leave immediately if he was going to take drugs.  Again he left and then continued to message me begging me to speak to him. I did and as soon as i saw him fell to bits.  He said he had only said we were over as he could see no way out and it was easier to push me away so he could end it all.  I knew deep down this was how he would play things.  I should have known better and been stronger.

He was due to return and to the coast and stay away for another few weeks to recover but we had a break in and he had to return home.  Since then life has been a misery.  I contacted his old support worker at the drug service who agreed to help.  He is taking Bupremorphine for the heroin addiction.  Although he is also addicted to cocaine.  he injects both.  I thought this would be a magic solution to the problem and tried to look forward to christmas.  Christmas eve he brought some drugs, he told me it was cocaine and that he wasn't planning on using christmas day.  From christmas eve night i never really saw him for a week.  He was shut in the bedroom for most of it, clearly doped up on heroin and cocaine. 

This week i have lost another relative and we have to meet with family, who i have hidden this from to travel to cornwall for the funeral.  He has stayed clean for several days and then lied to me on friday insisting he had not brought any.  I found it in the bedroom after a good search.  Asked him why he lied, no reason given.  We hadn't spoken all weekend.  Not really spoken since.  I feel like I'm done.  We have gone from nearly £20,000 in savings to £3,000 in weeks.  Im so worried about everything.  I can't sleep thinking we will lose the house.  I only work part time and have taken some time off sick meaning I've gone down to half pay, so i am sorting out returning as soon as possible now, even though i don't know how i will manage this as I'm so tearful all the time and i work with mental illness so this isn't ideal.

I feel like this is it.  But he won't go anywhere.  He has a way of turning things on me.  when i asked him today where we go from here he said because i had suggested the other day we split our money in half and go separate ways that i had made the decision.  But he's still here.  I know he won't go anywhere.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to uproot the children, my son has IBD and my daughter is doing her a levels, it wouldn't be fair, and I have nowhere to go and no family to go to.

I know theres no solution i think i just needed to get this out of me.  thanks for reading. xx

Comments

sk
13 Jan 2016

So sorry to read this. I asked my ex partner to leave about 2 1/2  years ago. It was very difficult at first being on my own with two children but its the best thing i have ever done. I have driven myself crazy for 15yrs checking places for clues, looking through cracks in the doors to check if he was in shower listening at the door, i have done it all. The day i asked him to leave was heart breaking for me and his child (i was preg at the time with my second child). He couldn't stop not for me or his kids. Three times he tried and three times he failed always had an excuse  work, losing his dad. I supported him every step of the way and still it wasn't good enough. I have been stolen from, had my jewellery pawned but i think the worst was the mind games n constant detective work it was exhausting. I would build myself up time n time again just for him to knock me back down. Today i feel so numb to him i am so angry for the person he has made me today. I put on a front n like you no one knew my pain. I am bitter and he cannot understand why i am this way. I feel sorry for the next man that comes into my life he has a huge wall to climb. Not that i am looking. I have my kids n love them to bits i am a lot happier then i have been in a long time, a massive weight has been lifted. My advice if he wont leave seek help see what your options are. Get your own place with the kids and concentrate on them and yourself. Chances are he isn't going to change. Hope you and your kids will be ok x

Snow
14 Jan 2016

Hi, thanks for your reply.  Would not wish this on anyone but nice to know you're not alone.

The only thing thats holding me is knowing how he is when he is clean and he has been for the past 7 years.  He works hard and gives us a very good life, which I could not do.  He usually saves money like mad, its me thats the spender!!

This is just tearing me apart, I don't know whether I am looking for excuses.  We have a funeral to attend in Cornwall and he has suggested that we take a few days away there. My daughter says she agrees and that it may help.  I suppose on one hand it will give us time away from here to speak.  Im just fed up of being lifted up and falling again and again, as you said.  You're right, its the mind games and lying that are the worst.  They are so tiring.  Everything you try and accomplish seems to take so much energy.  

My kids really do not want to leave here.  I think eventually if I stay strong he will have to face up to things and leave if he does not get clean.  Saying that this morning he has missed his appointment with his dr at the drug service.  Im not taking control of any of this, after all its not me who needs to.

Im glad for you that this has worked out for the best for you.  I think it would have been easier if my kids were little, but i have a teenager who loves all his gadgets and never leaves his bedroom as he's attached to his xbox and laptop, and my daughter is nearly 18 in 2 weeks.  She is very supportive, but she also has her own life set up and i don't want to disrupt any of that in the middle of her studies and plans to go to university.    

Im sure we will be ok.  something has to change eventually. I will have to be stronger.  I know I can manage on my own, its not that that scares me.   If anything he will have to leave.

Thanks again for reading.  Nice to have someone to air off too! all the best to you and your kids xx

Icarus Trust
18 Jan 2016

Hello,

I am so sorry to read of your story and to see how very hard everything is for you at the moment and all that you have been through. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that supports the families and friends who are having to deal with the impact of a loved one's addiction, like yourself. If you think it would help you could be put in touch with our experienced trained volunteers. They would understand what you are going through and talking to one of them might help you to find a way forward. As you said it does help just to talk things over and it may help you to know that you are not on your own.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I really hope that you will be able to get some support for yourself. Good luck!

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