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Lost & Alone

Posted by MissLCM on 26 July 2014.

My son is 20 and still at home with me, just been the 2 of us since his father left 11 years ago. We have such a close bond and get on so well which makes it so hard to watch him destroy himself by taking drugs. He has been smoking cannabis for years now, when I 1st found out I went crazy, stopped him having any cash and checking his every move but all to no avail as he continued on the sly. About 3 years ago he got involved with legal highs which are now not legal and on 2 occasions was taken to hospital via ambulance as he had passed out in the street. After the 2nd time of being in hosp we spoke and I decided to accept the cannabis smoking as it seemed the lesser of 2 evils and I felt it might stop him taking anything else. That wasn't to be as he then had a major episode of taking Methedrone for several weeks, running up debts and losing weight rapidly. This was sorted out and left him needing GP care as he had become depressed and suffering from anxiety for which he was given meds. He talks of not wanting to wake up, of being sick of life, he tells me he didn't ask to be here. I actually get scared he might end it all one day as just couple of months ago I found him in his room tying T-shirts together sat on floor in very dark mood. I sat with him, cried with him and we got over that, apparently he was owe someone cash for cannabis and this was why he was so low. I maxed out my credit cards and paid his debts so we could start again and try get him on right road but yet again, kick in the teeth for me as I discovered he was getting hooked on coke!! I confronted him, he told me truth in the end and how bad it was, he was only doing it to feel happy as he felt his meds from GP didn't help anymore etc. More debts needed cleared, this time by my mum who used her savings. Again we all spoke and  moved forward but my son refuses to talk to GP so getting no help for him. Then again 2 weeks ago BANG he has done same again with coke and more of my mums saving are used, same excuses as before but told me he gets bored, depressed and lonely when I am out all day working to provide!! I spoke to my GP and he signed me off work to be with my son in the hope I could get him to attend an appointment with GP but no joy! I am now at my wits end as I am convinced my son is using coke again last few days and I have no-one to talk to, my mum is great at giving financial support but no good at letting me talk about what is going on, I have no-one to sit with him when he is going through the lows, crying and sobbing or the highs when is on edge, over talking and being edgy. I have confronted him but he denies using again, he is eating well but sleep pattern all over and his mood is up/down. My gut feeling just keeps screaming something aint right and its never let me down before! This is killing me as I cant sleep, walk the dog crying my eyes out like an idiot. Any advice be great! Sorry for going on but felt good to just let some of it go.....xx

Comments

CANT TAKE NO MORE
26 Jul 2014

Hey hun......its hard isnt it.....There is a real pattern to him using, and there is a real pattern to you bailing him out all the time.....You are enabling him and whilst you continue to do so, you are part of his addiction......I dont mean to sound harsh, but from what you have said, he isnt ready to quit just yet.....We have all been down this road, and the next hardest part is to stop handing out money....cause it will never end......Ive heard it all..he is going to kill himself, someone is after him cause he owes them money....sadly im imune to it all now and dont give him ANYTHING.....He cant come home cause I dont want his addiction in the house..ive had over 4 years of it and like you been at my wits end..at times wanting to walk away and leave myself...What you need is support..its his addiction not yours...... The excuses will continue to fly if you let them...get tough and stop enabling him...and find a local support group for YOU..... We love our kids, and the worst thing is seeing them take this rubbish.......massive hugs to you xxxxx

MissLCM
26 Jul 2014

Hey..Thanks for replying.Its very hard especially playing detective to work out if he is using! Just had yet another blazing row with him as obvious to me he is using today, so hurtful way their mood changes and things they say to us when they are feeling invincible! Soooo hard watching him destroy himself, was only last week bits of black tissue falling out his nose and he was adament tgat was turning point...week later here we are again!! Like you I have had enough and think its time to leave him to it as nothing I do seems good enough..xxxx

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