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lost and confused just want to scream

Posted by Sdiggle on 27 December 2013.

How do I know if he is still using , the lies cover lies , I know when my gut is telling me he has used but he would never admit it instead im made to feel like an idiot . Im worn out , everytime he leaves the house my heart is in my throat feeling sick because I think he is going out to score, part of me wants more than anything to just walk away and forget he ever existed but what about my kids ..? Would they hate me for taking their dad away , im the one who is suffering second guessing myself every min of every day I want to cry so much scream so loud and just hide but im not allowed that I have to be the one holding everything together and im sick of it what about me how loud do I have to shout to get heard am I really always going to come second best to his heroin addiction ?...

Comments

GillyB
30 Dec 2013

Hi, I posted myself, but about my son.  I don't want him to progress to having a girl-friend/wife kids who he can destroy too.  You already know what you have to do, you can't love your kids properly in the atmosphere you describe.     Even if he is not using heroin your relationship has broken down.  You do not say how old your children are, but a happy mum  is more important to have around than an anxious scared one, and it does not sound like he comes back bearing gifts or kindness.  Leaving now does not necessarily mean no contact, and as they get older they can decide whether he is a good person to know for themselves.   Good luck for the future.

Franticmum
30 Dec 2013

In answer to your last sentence in my experience yes u will always come second to an addict, I think you need to go with your gut feelings n not let your heart rule, your children could end up resenting u for staying with him, and as said in the above post a happy mum is so much better for a child than a scared fearful one, and yes you are allowed to shout and scream, your gp or citizens advice will be able to help put u in touch with relevant support don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek help, remember your children rely on you as an adult to do what is right, sorry if it sounds like I'm preaching but anything to do with drugs makes me so so cross, it's ruined the last 17 yrs of my life as my son is a heroin addict n I've finally come to realise its time to put myself first and although heartbroken I  gave my son the ultimatum it's drugs or us sadly he has chosen the thing he loves more than me, best wishes to you for the future I sincerely hope things work out for you whatever you decide x

Sdiggle
3 Jan 2014

Gilly b my son is 2 and my baby girl is 5months so still very young , and you are so right I know this is effecting them everyday and it does break my heart, its hard to let him in as everyday I do he hurts me again and again, I have contacted a local support group and im really going to find the strength to go now new year new start new me, your kind words really do give me strength to know that I am not the only one dealing with this pain xxx

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