mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli

for
families

We care, for the better.

A place for families, because you don't have to use drugs to be affected by them.

sign in

Sign in to make comments and contribute your own stories. Or click here to register if you've never used the blog before.

Sign In

Want to find a support group? Enter your postcode or town below to find a support group near you.

Find help

Share Your Story

Marrige in a bottle

Posted by Hopeless78 on 31 July 2015.

I don’t know when it all went wrong or even what I did to deserve this but it’s destroying our lives. Maybe it’s my fault for wanting our beautiful son, or not being supportive enough when things got hard at work. Maybe I shouldn’t have encouraged a life of self-employment because it’s was just too much. 
I should have done more at the beginning and not just hoped that it would all go away. The man I fell in love with became a stranger. A new man now lives in our home that thinks it’s ok to put our son at risk although he has done nothing wrong. He worships the ground his dad walks on but even he hates what is happening. I should be stronger and do the right thing for him but I love my husband and one day I hope that he will come back to us. 
He says that life’s not fun and that he can look after our son better than I can, maybe that’s true after all I am the one that’s keeping him here. Sometime he tells me that he loves me and that I’m his best friend, those days I live in hope. The problem hope is so unfair it only ever brings more heartache. The man on the phone says that some people never get better from this horrible disease and that I need to build my own life and put that first. I don’t know how I am to give up everything that means so much, I have been fighting for so long what happens if I do give up. Would it be right for me to start a new life, to be happy? Sure it will be hard and our son will probably hate me. I couldn’t stay here, although I can get help with the costs I would always be living in the shadow of a memory, wondering if I did the right thing. I could stay, be supportive, and say that the pain doesn’t matter, ignore the drunken nasty comments. ‘You’re a fat cow’ doesn’t he think that I know that, ‘your unfit to be his mother’, ‘I can look after him better than you’,’ you only want me for my money’’ your only doing this to make yourself feel better, ‘you don’t care about me you only want the house’. Maybe it’s all true maybe I am unfit to be his mother and a wife.
If this is true what should I do next?
I have tried to be patient, understand, not to get upset or angry but the lies keep coming and each time they cut a little deeper I’m scared that one day they just won’t hurt anymore, I won’t care if he kills himself one way or another but I can’t say here in the fear that if I go, he will. We all have choices and they are never easy. I want to give our son the best chance possible and I do believe that having his father around is the best thing for him but at what cost. They say if you really love some one that you let them go if it means that they can be truly happy. If his life is that bad that he needs to escape in the bottom of a bottle them maybe I’m doing more harm than good. If I go he can be happy.
What if I’m wrong, he’s already put us both in danger without even a second thought let alone a first. The Scotland trip is just one example. 1 week, 7 bottles of red (10 units each = 70 units) 24 bottles of beer (3 units each = 72 units) and 4 bottles of whiskey (30 units each 120 units). He was never safe to drive. How much more stupid could I have been. Looking back you could argue that things are so much better now. But would I just be fooling myself, how long would it be before we were back to that point again? Maybe I’m just asking for too much. If I back of maybe he will be ok?
I’m told that it’s his problem and that only he can do something about it, but if you see a man standing on the edge of a bridge wanting to jump no one says well it’s up to him to do something about it. You stop, you do the right thing. Why is there no right thing for me to do now? Give him time, understanding, why not a loaded gun if it amounts to the same thing? I want to trust him again but when it comes around every two or three days but how can I?
If he had cancer there would be someone there to hold your hand and say that it’s all going to be ok everyone is doing their best and that they will be there for you. With this is about whispers behind your back, and if you want help then you have to fight for it so hard and even then convince people that your worthy. It’s better to be hit by a car in the street on a Friday night whilst drunk than go to people and say I have a problem please help me. At least that way you can blame the car that wasn’t looking or the drainhole cover you got your foot stuck in. They don’t make you feel unimportant or that you are a waste of their time. You’re an emergency, you need help now and you do get it. Even long term help to recover from your injuries. This way around is so unfair, can’t they see the problem can’t they do something to really help?
 We not bad people we have done nothing wrong!
I should have been nicer when I was younger and thought about other people more, maybe his is my punishment? I can’t turn back the clock and undo everything I have done but right now it feels that there is nothing I can do about the future either, it’s out of my hands. I have to sit and wait for hope or the end. But I know that he needs more than I know how to give.
For now I don’t know what I’m going to do, all I don’t know is that I miss the man I fell in love with all those years ago, and even though I’m told that he can’t be that man any more I can hope that part of him will come back one day. That we can be happy, a family and free from all that drags us in to this living hell called our lives today. No one wants to hear this story which is why I’m writing it to you it needs to be told even if there is no one to read it. Hopefully one day here will be a right answer, a hope for the millions of other people out there slowly watching their loved ones die in more ways than one. 
I may not live to see it but please let’s make this a disease that doesn’t have to destroy lives because of the social stigma attached to it. Those of us that try to do something can see the need for more support for the drinkers and the ones that live with their actions, they can’t help it. They are not bad people their just in a bad place with little chance of hope.

Comments

Shellz
1 Aug 2015

I have just read your story the similarities in some of the things you voiced were uncanny maybe that's why tears stream down my face, noone wants this life, we didn't choose this. Stuck not wanting to believe this is it this is our lives not wanting to give up we took vows that should mean something they did to us. The people we are married to are shells not the men we fell in love with. I still believe its my fault but that's what they do its so clever no self worth no self esteem and believing we are the ones to blame. I love my husband have friends and family calling me a fool telling me if I'm stupid enough to put up with this life I deserve it. Can't they see I have children who I want to grow up with both parents. But is it fair on them?? His lack of interest in anything they do never watching their tricks on bikes or scooters either drunk or asleep. I feel your pain and believe alcohol is just as dangerous and addictive as any other drug. I had no idea so many other people were also living this life. Xx

when will it get better
21 Aug 2015

I am in the same situation my husband is an alcoholic he was ment to be doing a home detox a couple of months ago but the Drs were worried that because of the amount he drinks that it wouldn't be safe as the risk of fits etc would be to high. So he is waiting to go into residential rehab as I sit here the 1st of September seems so far away and for my husband who says that he desperately wants to be free of alcohol as the time to go gets closer the more scared he is getting. His tipple is vodka but for a while he stopped drinking this and was drinking strong cider but as rehab is getting closer he is back on the vodka and as I write this he is drunk and has called in sick. At the moment he disgusts me and if at the last minute he chickens out of rehab my marriage will be over because I am sick and tired of the ups and downs of living with him the reason I haven't kicked him out is that I know he would drink himself to death and I don't want that on my conscience but rehab is his last chance why should me and my children have to watch the person we love slowly killl themselves I am fed up with having to look after him all the time he used to be so loving and strong but as the days go by I lose more and more respect for him. I want to go back to work but at the moment I have no energy to. So for now I sit and wait for the 1st and hope that it will be the start of getting my husband back and my children their father before its to late xx

You must be signed in to comment. To sign in, use the form to the right, or click here to register if you've never used the blog before.

Submit