mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli

for
families

We care, for the better.

A place for families, because you don't have to use drugs to be affected by them.

sign in

Sign in to make comments and contribute your own stories. Or click here to register if you've never used the blog before.

Sign In

Want to find a support group? Enter your postcode or town below to find a support group near you.

Find help

Share Your Story

My beautiful boy

Posted by max on 30 May 2014.

I am hopeful and hope what I'm about to say can give some of you hope too .  My boy has been using drugs & alcohol as a way of life for two years , causing heartbreak to all who love him , ( I don't need to elaborate on this because if you're reading this , then you know the pain I mean ) He has been clean for one month today . He is living with his sister & working in their family business . This may sound such a small normal event but believe me it really isn't . He rang me today , first time we've spoken since I withdrew my enabling support three months ago . He hit the bottom having no where to live and having taken a beating from people he owed money to , he rang me for help and God forgive me but I told him I couldn't help him . So hard to do . I told him this time he had to sort his own mess out . He begged his sister and she has given him one chance only . Mess up and ship out or work hard stay clean and we will help you . Four weeks later he sounds clear and concise . He says he feels amazing , has gained weight and has come to realise that he was a junkie . My daughter says he is doing really well and working hard . To be honest I'm still holding my breath and now that I'm not constantly in a state of worry I'm not sure what went on in my brain before it became consumed with fear & anger & hurt & misery . I've forgotten how to just be relaxed !!!! I'm looking forward to re learning that miraculous state of being !! My fingers are crossed , he has also opened up a line of communication with his fathers side of the family , something I have been encouraging for years . I don't know if my boy will ever realise the heartache he caused but today that doesn't really matter . For one month he has stayed clean and broken all ties with the people he associated with previously . A happy day and I hope every single one of you reading this get your own happy day . I will keep you posted . X

Comments

sad and tired
30 May 2014

i am so pleased for you.  I hope I can get to this point but at the moment the misery goes on.  Reading your story has come at a good time for me and has given me the strength to continue to say no xx

max
30 May 2014

Hi sad & tired , it took me a long time to get to the point of saying no !  Untold misery and thousands of pounds !! I finally accepted that his bad choices were his alone and I wasn't to blame . I knew logically it wasn't my fault but as a mother who loves my heart was in turmoil . Adfam helped me a lot and the 'enabling' advice made sense . We can't fix our children because they're not children , they're adults making choices , just as you and I did at their ages !!  I feel like the addict myself at the moment with the pledge "one day at a time" trying to be joyful but with caution . You're not alone and not to blame . They have to hit a bottom and want things to change . I know that's said over and over in these blogs but it is so true . All my good wishes are with you and my heart knows where you're at x

sad and tired
30 May 2014

thanks well he is certainly going to hit rock bottom soon.  He isn't there yet by any means but its coming.  I just called him because he has messed up his sisters evening with his selfish demands and been told to f off ....hay nothing different there then.  He hasn't changed a bit.  x  I hope the day comes I will get him back but at the moment I don't even like him

max
30 May 2014

I think it's okay not to like your child for a while . One of my wise daughters asked me if I would accept that kind of treatment from a random person . Of course not , I replied . Then why put up with it from someone you have only ever loved and cared for ? Get a backbone she told me . She was right , I had turned from a strong woman into a wimp trying not to antagonise my verbally aggressive son . It's hard to do but you have to heal yourself first maybe . X

sad and tired
31 May 2014

and of course your daughter is right, we wouldn't accept it from a stranger, so why accept it from someone you have only ever cared for? because you don't want to lose them I suppose.  I am normally a strong person as well and spend my time walking on egg shells around him.  How strange that we have all been through the same.  Sometimes it feels like I am in a nightmare but sadly it isn't a nightmare and all I can do is wait and watch and hope that things get better.  xx you sound such a level headed person and very knowing, I guess you have been through a lot.  I hope things continue to get better for you and your boy.  One day I hope my son will look back and realise the pain he has caused at the moment he just doesn't seem to care.  x

CANT TAKE NO MORE
31 May 2014

Max, im so pleased your son is on his road to recovery. As sad and tired has said, we have all been at the end of the abuse....its upto us to stop the enabling and for a parent that is the HARDEST thing to do. It was like a bereavement when I finally faced what ha been staring me in the face for a long time...My son is an addict...he may not do it every day, but he uses on a regular basis. I had to tell ll my family NOT to give him any money, to put up with the lying, the stealing is the worse.....All the excuses, all the threats to kill himself......A light eventually went on, and from then on I told him he was on his own. He is at the moment in prison doing a 4 month sentence.....and I truly hope when he gets out he resumes the counselling he had started ..He too has said he has had enough, I just hope he is strong enough. Never give up on your kids, they too deserve a happier life!!

CANT TAKE NO MORE
31 May 2014

Max, im so pleased your son is on his road to recovery. As sad and tired has said, we have all been at the end of the abuse....its upto us to stop the enabling and for a parent that is the HARDEST thing to do. It was like a bereavement when I finally faced what ha been staring me in the face for a long time...My son is an addict...he may not do it every day, but he uses on a regular basis. I had to tell ll my family NOT to give him any money, to put up with the lying, the stealing is the worse.....All the excuses, all the threats to kill himself......A light eventually went on, and from then on I told him he was on his own. He is at the moment in prison doing a 4 month sentence.....and I truly hope when he gets out he resumes the counselling he had started ..He too has said he has had enough, I just hope he is strong enough. Never give up on your kids, they too deserve a happier life!!

CANT TAKE NO MORE
31 May 2014

Max, im so pleased your son is on his road to recovery. As sad and tired has said, we have all been at the end of the abuse....its upto us to stop the enabling and for a parent that is the HARDEST thing to do. It was like a bereavement when I finally faced what ha been staring me in the face for a long time...My son is an addict...he may not do it every day, but he uses on a regular basis. I had to tell ll my family NOT to give him any money, to put up with the lying, the stealing is the worse.....All the excuses, all the threats to kill himself......A light eventually went on, and from then on I told him he was on his own. He is at the moment in prison doing a 4 month sentence.....and I truly hope when he gets out he resumes the counselling he had started ..He too has said he has had enough, I just hope he is strong enough. Never give up on your kids, they too deserve a happier life!!

sad and tired
31 May 2014

cant take no more, you are right, I have got to the point of seeing what my son has become, and what I need to do to best help him and that doesn't mean helping him with money.  He has to go to court in a couple of weeks for not paying his court fine, so he could end up in prison and he talks about this quite matter of factly.  He doesn't want me to go with him so what can I do, I imagine I will hear if he is jailed as his friend is going with him.  Once I would have been horrified now I just hope that whatever happens it helps him, it will keep him away from the scum bags he is associating with anyway.  xx

max
31 May 2014

My son also owes "fine" money and I'm not clear whether or not he is yet addressing that but I will not ask . It is his business and his consequences for past behaviours . I think the more we involve ourselves the more power we give them to manipulate us emotionally for their own ends .

sad and tired
31 May 2014

yes you are right, just had a text from my son to say he is blocking me as because I wont pay car tax petrol, insurance and finance for car he will not be able to start his job on Monday.  Trouble is its the best part of £1000 then an month in hand and then he will go back to how he was and just blow his wages and not pay his bills again.  Who will then have to pay muggins here.  Yes I feel guilty as hell but what can I do........I feel really bad but I cant keep on it has to stop somewhere.

max
31 May 2014

Oh have I been there !! "Mum I need to get out of town to start a better life " so I paid a deposit on a rural rental , helped him move , swore he wouldn't let people know where his new place was etc . All talk to get what he wanted , his other landlord was kicking him out for unpaid rent and I fell for it again !!! 8 weeks later my friend , who's property it was was at my door . No rent paid !!!! I rang my boy and told him if he didn't get down to sort it out by the end of the day then I would !!! And I did . I was mortified because it had been used as a drug den for his stupid friends . I was so angry & embarrassed that I took all of his belongings to the local dump and rang him to tell him I was done with him ! No more stupid mum . That was my turning point . It took getting very very angry at his "couldn't give a shit attitude " . I would advice you to try very hard to say no . Walk or catch a bus !! Even if you offer him the first weeks bus fare , if he wants to take the job he will find the means to get there . Who paid you're way at his age ??? I would imagine that no one did . Sending you best wishes !

sad and tired
31 May 2014

Max, it all sounds so familiar.  I keep asking myself if I had been a harder mum would he be different, if I didn't care about him would be not be abusive.  The answer I will never know, he now says he hates me and will never have any more to do with me.  So far I am keeping to what I say, but I am sad, its not how I believe a mum should be, we do everything we can for our children, so to say no doesn't seem right.  I really pray that it will make a difference and I was going to say wont ruin his life but he has already made a good start at ruining his life.
He wont be able to get a bus or walk as the job is way out of town, but that's not my problem, he knew when he walked out of his last job that his debts were continuing to go up.  Good old mum will stump up again he thought but I cant keep doing it and why should I.  It means nothing to him.  You are right no one paid my way at his age, I worked hard and brought my own things, if I didn't have the money no one handed it to me......
I hope in a while I can post something similar to both of you to say my son is turning things around, I really really hope so. xxx

max
31 May 2014

It's not easy of course it isn't , but your son is going to be angry that you've said 'no' because it's not the way it should go in his mind . You've always said yes before and he's comfortable with that . Maybe try to turn it round in your head and tell yourself that it IS because you love your son that you're saying no . "Yes" hasn't worked so far so the only thing left to try is the word 'no' . My son fell out with me so many times that I lost count . I would fret & worry and imagine the worst every time . And every time he was absolutely fine and at the next party giving no thought to how he'd left me feeling . Drugs make them the ultimate selfish being . You clearly are a good mum and maybe you have to cut him loose before he is ready to come back . Believe me I have been exactly where you're at and know how easily I can be back there . He will speak to you again because he will try another way to get what he wants from you knowing that in the past he has always finally got you to say yes !!! Be strong . X

sad and tired
31 May 2014

I know that you are right, it just doesn't sit easy with me.....but in my heart I know exactly what will happen if I set him up again, he will take my money let me get his car back up to date and then blow all his cash and let his car go back in arrears.  I know that will happen, and when I think that I can be strong because I know I cant help him, not even if I gave him my bank card. It would never be enough.  He has made my life a misery over the last couple of years and I don't deserve it, I know that, I have only ever tried to help him.  In return I get called a f  ing retard etc.  he isn't my son anymore....so I will stick with it, and pray that he can find the strength to pull his self back round. xxx

max
31 May 2014

Do you know , I have raised 3 children . I have two older daughters who are lovely well balanced young women . They weren't angels but they were 'normal' anxieties as they hit teenage years . I grew up in care . Not a good place believe me !! So for me , like you, I believed there was nothing I wouldn't do for my kids . My children are well loved and have wanted for nothing , they've had a privileged upbringing . My son at 20 is not a reflection of my mothering skills . Sadly he is a reflection of the society we live in . Denied nothing , no repercussions for bad behaviour and a culture of 'I want and I want it now' . It's my right etc . Well for our boys sad & tired its time for them to wake up and face reality  . The world owes them nothing . We are not their life time meal ticket . My son now knows that I will be there  to help him when he shows me that he is making positive healthy choices for his life . Respect will come when your boy accepts that you mean what you say and stick to it . Funnily enough once you start saying no it does get easier to keep saying it . X

sad and tired
31 May 2014

Thank you for your support and I do need it at the moment.  For someone who has been through the care system, you have come out well, I know its tough to be pulled from your family but sometimes (not always) it is the better option, I do know something about it. you are smart, articulate and obviously a wonderful mum, your children are very lucky.  I keep saying to my son that when he is ready to ask for and accept help with his lifestyle I will be there for him, if I felt he wanted to get back on track I would move the world to get him the help he needs.  You are right that once you start being harder it gets easier, it is certainly easier now he is not at home and I am being knocked up at 4.00 in the morning .  I had to take his key away as I was getting up early hours and he had all sorts of people in my home and would bring female one night stands in.  I had to stop it as I didn't feel safe anymore.  God so much has happened....
I went to drop some food off to him and his friend the other morning, I got him to get his friend to the door and was shocked at how he looked his eyes were wide and staring, he didn't seem able to speak and when he did it was very soft and quet.  My daughter who was with me was so shocked as she had nt seen her brother for a while and thought they both looked awful. My son has had a skin rash for some time which itches, doctor gave him anti histermines.  I have been reading it can be a symptom of heroin use, which worries me.....do you know anything about this? I don't suppose it matters what he is taking but heroin seems the worst.  xx

max
31 May 2014

I know a little about heroin but the skin rash could be little more than a result of any substance abuse . They tend to drink a lot of energy drinks which have no nutrients in them . That combined with a diet of junk food can leave the skin in terrible condition . My son was using , amongst other things ketamine & coke . My brother is a recovering heroine user . He smoked it as he was afraid of needles !! Heroin users end up getting not getting a "high" . They take it , in the end, to just "feel normal " !!! We are conditioned to think of heroin as the worst but maybe nowadays with so many different drugs available it is no worse or better . I would do food drops to my son regularly , often with him not even coming to the door . He would tell me to put it in the shed and he would pick it up later . I would continually make excuses for his behaviour . I think some of my blackest times were down to self pity , hard to admit that even to myself but "why my son " who had such potential . And shame in admitting to friends what he had become . Misplaced pride ! Do try to stay strong and not allow him to dominate all of your waking hours , sleeping ones too no doubt . The more often you say no the less often he will ask .  Life is always changing , have a little trust that eventually things will come right and if not, then you boy is travelling a path of his choosing . X

sad and tired
1 Jun 2014

yes again you are right, I know for certain that a big one for my son was coke but from my understanding he would take anything he could get his hands on.  I drop food off to my son, but maybe now I have refused to keep his car on the road for him he wont even let me do that. (that is what we were doing when I saw him and his friend together) also ( I am such a mug) he said his friend needed 20 as they were doing his friends car up, and I gave it, I don't know why.....now I am thinking what did they use it for.  You saying your son told you to leave food in the shed sounds familiar, they just cant be bothered and don't care.... Funny I went to bed early last night and slept really well but the minute I woke up (just now) I thought of him and know although it hurts me to do it, I AM doing the right thing for him long term.  I so hope we get to the position you are in and I see some light at the end of the tunnel.  Fingers crossed eh.  xxx

CANT TAKE NO MORE
1 Jun 2014

Ladies it seems our loves mirror each other...Each of us at different stages...but I CANT SAY IT ENOUGH........STOP ENABLING !!!!  It has to be the hardest thing a parent can do, but I came to the conclusion, if he wanted to take that rubbish, he would have to find other ways of paying for it...bank of mum was most definately closed !!! I am thankful for the wonderful people I have met on here...and have taken comfort too.....

sad and tired
1 Jun 2014

yes I am thankful too.  It is good to know that people understand what I am going through and it gives me hope when I read that it looks like for some of you, things are improving.  I think that spurs me on... I am not expecting an easy time over the next couple of weeks because as usual it will all be my fault, everything.....some of the things he says is my fault are just amazing and I wonder what planet he is on if he really believes that.  I hope the day will come when he can look back and see what I actually did do for him over and over.  xxx

max
1 Jun 2014

Yes, we're all on different pages of the same story . Sad and tired ...... About the shopping you provide , 'can't take no more' is correct . You are still enabling . I did the same for several years . The food you buy is either rotting in his cupboards because he won't bother cooking for himself , or you are paying to feed his druggie friends . Shelter & food are the basics of living , while you provide either things he will continue to take the easiest route which for him is to continue with the lifestyle he has . I was and still am to a great degree blamed by my son for what has happened with him , although he no longer is abusive he still needs to re assure himself that it couldn't be his own doing . Maybe that will come with maturity . The drugs they take distort all thought processes so you can't hope that he wii see the light while he is still using . Those expectations will only hurt you further . Now you have started saying "no" he is spitting the proverbial dummy . He doesn't hate you , you are most likely the person he loves most in his world , but the drugs make him behave a certain way . It is hard to see them do without and your natural inclination is to nurture BUT any giving in is enabling . Be strong , take back the power you have handed over to someone , who at the moment has no respect for you. X .

sad and tired
1 Jun 2014

you are so right, I am getting texts from him demanding petrol money or he wont be able to take this job and that will be my fault BUT he wants a weeks petrol money not a can a day like I usually give.  When I said no he just text die.  Lovely, I tried to call him but he text don't call me, he is possibly in the pub and quite aggressive and nasty but hay whats new there.......x  I thought by buying food at least he would be eating, I cant believe how awful he has become.

max
1 Jun 2014

Hold your ground , you're doing really well , it may not feel like it but consider , if you think your son is in the pub then he has money to spend !!  You have changed the goal posts and he doesn't like it . I heard as much and worse from my son "drop dead " was his choice of words . You'll no doubt hear more anger from him before he accepts what you're doing ,  after all he has had a lifetime of knowing he can get round mum . This new stronger mum is someone he is now being introduced to and he's showing his displeasure . They almost revert back to being 5 year olds , stamping their feet . Where at 5 you could smack the bottom or take away their favourite toys to correct behaviour you can't do that now , maybe the 'no' word is much the same as taking away the toys . Could I suggest that you switch your phone off . Don't open his texts or speak with him for the rest of the day . I'm sure he has done this many times to you . Don't be available to his abuse . I spent several years dreading my phone alerting me to texts & calls because I knew none of them from him was to show interest in how I was  . Only to drag me further into his misery . Stick with it , say no to every demand , i know how hard this is for you but you will end up making yourself ill if you let him regain the upper hand . X

CANT TAKE NO MORE
1 Jun 2014

Im on a FB page for parents with addicted kids..I dont comment, purely because I dont want friends knowing my business.....BUT, the message that is clear as day is to stop doing anything for them.....I have been  guilty of still letting him come to mine for tea. lunch but not if he has taken anything....My son wants me to send him a postal order for Prison, but I wont.....Ive written, and explained briefly, but what I really need to do is tell him how his addiction has effected us...what he has stolen, how his lies effected us and me as a mother.....thats going to be hard for sure.... He has already put out a hand for help, and I hope when he gets out he continues.... Sad and tired..you are a remarkable mother, pulling away does 2 things....1- gives you back some of your independance from your son and 2.... lets your son know its his choice......... Im not saying give up on him, far from it, bu offer that support when he is ready.....hugs to you all xxx

sad and tired
1 Jun 2014

thank you both, and yes he is acting like a 5 year old....he has admitted doing drugs, but he isn't an addict, addicts steal and beat people up for drugs.  I reminded him how he stole all my jewellery.  He is young and having a good time he says, so I asked him how many 50 year old addicts still think they are having a good time.  Please god that he will pull it round or show signs of it like both of your boys.  His texts are getting more and more nasty and I can understand it to an extent he isn't getting what he wants, he says I am a f..ing retard, that's not a new one either.  He doesn't seem to understand that being like this isn't the way to get what you want.  I really struggle with why he cant get his head around that....

max
1 Jun 2014

It's okay . He's not going to accept being drug dependent , he's not THAT stupid he will tell you ...... he can stop taking them any time ..........  You just don't understand ........ That's another one lol !!! And maybe he's not addicted and maybe he can stop whenever he wants to , but either way today he is using . My son stole repeatedly from us , even using my debit card without my knowledge . He broke into my house while I was away visiting my terminally ill father etc etc etc . We take a lot us mothers before we see that our overflowing love is not always good for our children when addictions are involved . It's okay to love him and equally okay to not like him and to hate the way he behaves . They want all the supposed fun of adulthood but still want mum to look after them and pick up the tab .  They can abuse us all day long but cannot understand when we say "no more" . There is no logic to them . Step back and try not to fuel the fire . Each time you respond to his abuse you extend the conversation for him to give you more of the same . Try hanging up the phone every time the conversation turns nasty , don't try to reason with him because you won't win . Let him see that you will only enter into a conversation when it is non abusive and do that every single time . That is the only kind of message he will understand as he is today . He is trying to guilt trip you to get his own way . Try really hard not to reward his behaviour . I can only advise as I have lived the same situation , your head knows what you need to do , your heart just needs to catch up x

CANT TAKE NO MORE
1 Jun 2014

SWITCH YOUR PHONE OFF........he will soon get the message and as Max has said delete his texts.......BEFORE reading them.....I hate the world we have all been thrust in, I hate his so called mates who were no where to be seen in court, I hate his lies, but I KNOW it was his choice....and not mine!!!!!!!!!!!!

sad and tired
1 Jun 2014

funny how the so called mates disappear when they have no cash or no transport.  none of them offer to help.....Max you are so right in everything you are saying, it is heartbreaking to  see the child you have loved steal from you and break into your home, I cannot trust my son at all, whenever he was here I had to keep my purse with me.  My jewellery went and when I found out it was him he just mocked me.  Yes my head does know what to do, theres no turning back now.  Do you know it may sound strange but I wonder if he even wants to go for this job, I sometimes think he doesn't and he will be able to blame me for it, it feels sometimes that all he wants is an excuse for an argument.  Well that will be something new wont it.  xxxx

max
1 Jun 2014

Ah of course he will blame you for not turning up for the job , easier to do than accept responsibility for himself . If he really wants a job he will find one that he can get to under his own steam . Surprising how resourceful they can be when it comes to getting their drugs and alcohol . It's hard I know but try not to take the verbal abuse to heart . Once it's out of his mouth he has forgotten it . Don't go over and over the conversations in your mind it will only torment you . Try not to nag or advise him it will only fall on deaf ears and wind him up further .  For a time now try to concentrate on your own life again doing things that give you some feeling of peace. I meditate and that helps me towards a calm mind . My email is paynemax2@aol.com.   If at any time you would rather mail then please feel free . I'm sending many good thoughts to you  . X

sad and tired
1 Jun 2014

Thank you. I will email you if that's ok . Maybe tomorrow x
It is difficult not to try to get through to him but yes it does sound like nagging and it does wind him up.  I used to go to yoga I have thought about starting again it may help. Funny but since he hasn't been living here it's been ok, I can get on and its peaceful, but when he starts to go on and on because he wants something I get uptight and guilty. Thanks for being here for me today, believe me you have been a great help xxx

max
1 Jun 2014

You're very very welcome . Try to get a good nights sleep . Tomorrow is another day & amazing things may happen . That's my mantra lol x

sad and tired
1 Jun 2014

Lol I hope so. goodnight max xxx

max
13 Jul 2014

Six weeks on ....... I saw my son on Friday . First time in two & months . He is still with his sister and doing well at work . He's gained weight , his skin is better , he was relaxed and courteous with me . Two hugs !!!  He's doing so well that he's joining us for a family dinner later today . Am I nervous ......... Oh yes I am !  The memories of who he was are still all too fresh but although I may be outwardly calm my feet will be paddling like mad below the waterline !!  This is a big day for us . I know he'll be nervous too . For all of you still fighting for your "lost" ones do what it is you have to do ....... For me it was to stop enabling in every sense of the word and step right back . This advice on Adfam probably saved our sanity . Fingers crossed for today !!!

sad and tired
13 Jul 2014

fingers crossed.  love to you both, well done.. xxxx

max
13 Jul 2014

Oh dear that wasn't so good . He turned up on something , whether it was weed or something else I don't know . He was stumbling , losing the thread of the conversation and repeating himself . So although there are improvements that he is working and straight through the working week ( I spoke to his boss) it seems the weekends are not as drug free as I'd hoped . I don't know if I'm just expecting too much at once but I'm so disappointed this eve . I won't be inviting him back to the house for quite some time again . Somehow I thought he'd really make an effort for today after all the heartbreaks of the past . Why do I set myself up every time ? I'm a fool !

sad and tired
13 Jul 2014

so sorry why do they always let us down.  Not a fool, just a loving, hopeful mum., who has been disappointed....you have made big strides with him,  keep going.  I will email you tomorrow.  Stay strong xxxxxx

You must be signed in to comment. To sign in, use the form to the right, or click here to register if you've never used the blog before.

Submit