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My Boy

Posted by Sosad on 16 July 2014.

My son battled his demons for many years. He couldn't take it any more and decided to be free from his demons on 15th May this year, just 2 months ago. He was 31 yrs of age. He came from a lovely background. His parents worked, owned their own home. He went to Grammer school., and was loved so so much. Drugs became his life. He stole, lied went to prison and his parents stood by him all the time. Unconditionally. I'm his  mum and this is my story.  I would give anything to have my boy back. But I want him back in one piece, whole not tormented by drugs, wanting each day to get a fix and how to pay for it, steal, rob. Who knows. He didn't want to be on this earth surviving each day. It was his choice to take his life, but it doesn't make the pain any easier. I think of him 90% of each day even in my dreams. He thought of everyone before ending his days. He waited till we returned from holidays because he was looking after our dog( that was his) he did it where I wouldnt find him, his step dad would. He did all his washing and my saving grace was the note he left for his family. To explain he couldn't live this way anymore. I'm so proud of my boy. He wasn't a bad lad, drugs turned him into a different person. A person he didn't want to be. His demons has embedded themselves so deep he could not live each day without them. Please remember this. Addicts don't always want to be addicts, they can't help themselves, they don't want to upset their families. I'm grieving so much now. I'm never going to be the person I was.  I love my son so much and always will, addict or not he was my boy.

Comments

fifi65
16 Jul 2014

My heart goes out to you, I can only imagine the pain you've been through and are still going through!!! When drug's get a hold of our kid's we lose so so much!! Your boy has freed himself from the torment of being a slave to drug's and for that no-one could ever blame him.. take care hun, I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

Trapped
17 Jul 2014

I am so so sorry :'( xxxxxxx

Sosad
17 Jul 2014

At the moment I'm so sad. I wanted to see him get a good job, bring home a decent girl, have a child, a home to call his own even get grey hair. None of that will happen now. That's the norm for your children, isn't it ? I've been through every case imaginable with my son.. Clucking. Buying drugs for him, watching him take them, cold turkey many times. The was time was finding syringes. I tried to get help for me as I didn't know where to turn. There was no help. There was no one I could turn to. I couldn't speak to friends. I was too embarrassed that my son was an addict. I didn't tell my family because I didn't want them thinking bad of him and not inviting him to their homes in fear of him stealing, being around small children with drugs etc. so I kept it all to myself for years. The only time I ever got a decent sleep was when he,d be inprsioned,I even lied to people then and said he was working abroad. For the last 12 yrs he'd led a dismal life. I'm so sad for that. I blame myself as I separated from his dad then and this must have been the trigger for my son, even though he said it wasn't my fault. You have to blame someone or something. I now have to live with the fact that for my happiness I ruined my sons life and I can never make amends as he not here for me to "fix him and make him well again"   I will go to my grave knowing that. Nothing anyone can say will make me believe different. My husband now, I've been with for 12 yrs and he has stood by my son through all the bad times, he found him and has to live with that awful memory. He was upset at the time but it's not HIS son and he can't have the feelings a mum has. My grieving is probably getting him down by now as I can cry at any time and my emotions now are anger to everyone ( except my son) I haven't got any patience. And really don't care about anything. Sorry to go on and on but is there anyone out there who's experienced this? How do you come through it and be normal again ?

Trapped
17 Jul 2014

I've been thinking about you all day. I tried to reply to you earlier but I feel so choked for your loss I could find no words of comfort to offer you.  I can't begin to imagine how unbearable your pain must be right now.

How do you get the through this? Honestly, I've no idea. I guess you just get up each day and hope your pain will lessen by the tiniest amount.  Allow those who love you to be your strength, don't worry about being angry, be however you need to be. 

Please don't be too hard on yourself, your pain is great enough without self blame. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be. Know that others do care that you are hurting... even those you have never met. Deb xxx

sad and tired
18 Jul 2014

I am so sad for you. There but for the grace of God go any one of us.  Don't blame yourself, drugs are to blame, no anything or anyone else xxxxx

CANT TAKE NO MORE
19 Jul 2014

Yet again Im  bought to tears...Another child loosing the fight against drugs and parents left empty and   blaming themselves.. A very special friend who lost her brother to addiction several years ago, (he too committed suicide)spoke some very wise words to me when I was stuck in a dark black hole, not knowing where to go next, or what to do....She told me that we are all responsible for everything we do, and that includes our kids being responsible for what they do too....as parents and siblings of addicts and regardless of their upbringing, our kids choose their addiction..It creeps up on them and before they know it, they are hooked...We dont love them any less...but it is not our fault.....Condolences to you Sosad..my heart breaks for you...hugs and prayers to you all xxxx

Sosad
22 Jul 2014

Thank you all for your kind words. I know he was responsible for his own actions. Drugs are so terrible. The person taking them has no control after a while. They consume their lives. My son decided the only way to be free was to take his life. He didn't overdose. He took a way that was 100 % certain he couldn't be brought back.... He meant it. In his suicide note he said " he couldn't hurt us anymore". If only he knew the hurt I'm going through. He surely didn't realise how much I loved him. Now I will never be able to tell him again. I want him back so badly it hurts with bone in my body.

sad and tired
22 Jul 2014

oh sweetheart, I can feel your pain in every word.  I can imagine what you are going through, I would be totally the same.  you would have done anything possible to help him, but maybe he felt he just couldn't do it.......it is heartbreaking.  I am sure he did know how much you loved him and he obviously loved you just as much because he didn't want to put you through this hurt all the time.  Can you not do something constructive to remember him, maybe by passing your message on you can help others and keep his memory alive.  Stay strong, your son would hate to see how much hurt he has left you. xxxx

MissLCM
26 Jul 2014

So sorry for your loss, cant imagine what you are going through! xx

sk
29 Jul 2014

Reading your post made me cry the hurt in your words is just unimaginable. I am so sorry for your loss try and keep strong.

cathy
31 Jul 2014

I feel for you and think your very strong to think like that ,,i lost last yr a great young man  my brother ,who i ad brought up since he was 12 he was 29 ..i feel that you av helped me here just reading your post about your lovely son ,my heart gos out to you xxx

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