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My boy

Posted by max on 20 January 2014.

I have a beautiful 20 yr old son who has two lovely older sisters. He wasn't an easy child to raise but he could be so caring and helpful to others, in particular the elderly.  At fourteen he began to change, his temper was quick to fire off, when challenged he would punch walls, be verbally aggressive to me  & my husband.  I was constantly called into his school. His headmaster asked if I thought he was using drugs. My lad had always seemed so anti drugs so I thought not. Just a stage of adolescence perhaps.  At 16 after another flare up he walked out of the house.  I was frantic ! I drove around for days trying to find him. I phoned the police , who told me that at 16 there was nothing they or I could do. I tracked him down to a house that was well known to the police, he wouldn't come home. He had tattooed his hands etc and was so angry and morose. Eventually he came back. We gave him a job in the family business but he was so unreliable and angry all the time. We were all walking on eggshells around him.  My husband and I almost came to the point of separating , he wanted to take a tougher stance but as a mum I wanted to protect him.  A dark time for us all.  Eventually at almost 18 we had to make him leave our home. He was aggressive and intimidating. At 6ft 5 he would front up to me and much to my shame, he was scaring me.  We found him a room in a shared house and paid his rent for a few months, hoping that he would wake up to reality.  Now at 20 he is taking weed, acid, ketamine & Mdma.  He is also making his money by dealing.  He is open about this to us and sees little wrong with it, easy money as he calls it.  He has huge downers
 from the drugs and tells me that his life is rubbish and he can't go on like this.  I try to guide and advise him, I feed him ( he barely weighs 9st). I try to get him to see a doctor.  He always says he will but never does. I'm sure this story is not unique. I love him so much and I know he loves me, he is so lost and I don't know how to get through to him, he is not a stupid boy but is on a self destruct mission.   My heart is breaking.  Have I failed him somewhere as his mum, I have two daughters who were raised the same way and are good hardworking people.   I was raised in a children's home for most of my life and have been through tough times but vowed that my children would be loved and cherished by me. And they are ! We live a fairly privileged lifestyle and he has been given every advantage without being overly spoiled . My heart is breaking, how do I help my boy to be happy ? I am so afraid that he is going to either end up in jail or dead.  If anyone can offer me any help or advice on how to approach my son or how to try to learn to protect myself from constant worry, frustration & sleepless nights, I would be eternally grateful.  Thank you.

Comments

Worn down mum
21 Jan 2014

I only wish I could offer some advice but the truth is I need it as well! Similar with our son...and it breaks my heart. At this moment I put the phone down on him 4 days ago after an argument and he hasn't contacted me yet. I can't bear the thought of him with nothing but I can't see an answer. I never wanted to fall out with him because I know the guilt trip if he goes further downhill will be on my shoulders I'm just at a loss what to do:(

max
21 Jan 2014

Worn out mum . . . . Thanks and sorry for your pain. Iv'e now been a few years down this road with my son . Many arguments but our personal relationship has improved somewhat . From hating me he will now give me a hug and tell me he loves me . It doesn't change his circumstances sadly . When we row i do my best not to call him and let him contact me . Easy to say and very hard to do but i think to chase him gives him more power knowing how desperate i am for his safety . My boy is very manipulative. After years of him stealing from us i no longer allow him to move freely around our house . He hasn't now stolen for a year but he's dealing so has no need . I am trying to toughen up and convince myself that he must follow his own path and that paying his debts etc is only allowing him to carry on doing what he does . Really no one knows how much of my time is spent worrying & feeling guilt and sadness for my lad but i now honestly don't think there is anything i can do to change him . I must try to stay strong and not let his choices affect my health . Oh so wise words eh !!! Maybe we can only hope that sometime soon they will want to change their lives in a good way  . I so want to feel the truth of it not being my fault and my head knows this logically but sadly my head and my heart are not in tandem .

CANT TAKE NO MORE
2 Mar 2014

Max how are things at the moment????

max
2 Mar 2014

hi and thanks for asking . sadly not great . he drove his girlfriends car last week , crashed it . Has been charged with taking without permission , no licence or insurance . Court next week . He says he has no memory of even taking the car . I was devastated as two weeks before I had helped him move from the town drug house he'd been living in to a rural rental on a farm close by . He had said all the right things about changing his life etc so I paid the deposit . I don't think he has paid any rent yet so before long he will have to move again . He came to my house the day after he crashed the car and for the first time ever he saw me in full devastated crying mode . I have finally told him I won't be helping anymore unless I see positive signs that he is helping himself and that I now have to step back and leave him to his own choices .  I think if I can't do this then I will end up ill !!!! His actions affect the whole family and my deep sadness is affecting all of us . It's been a week since I saw him and already I am panicking at his lack of contact with me , although I know his sisters have heard from him so I know he is fine . He has been drinking this week so my hopes that he has had a wakeup call are somewhat dashed . He cries and tells me he wants to change his life but I know it's less effort for him to stay as he is . I think I have to teach myself to indulge in less guilt & self pity . He is responsible for what he does and with all the love and will in the world I cannot make him change . So struggling hurting and still trying to talk some sense into myself and hoping for a day when he sees that his lifestyle can only end badly for him .

max
21 Mar 2014

Hi Lucy 21 . It's good that you found a solution to your relationship problem and thank you for sharing .  I can only speak for myself but this is not a route I would choose for myself .

max
23 Mar 2014

Hi "Can't take no more " how are you getting on with your son now ? Are things any better ? I really hope they are !!

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