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My Dad is at it again!

Posted by Daughter of alcoholic on 23 September 2014.

The first time I commented on here was way back in April, at that time my Dad was living with me and I was trying my very hardest to help my Dad. He had an appointment with addaction the day after I posted and they said that he needed to attend regular meetings, then maybe attend a few group meetings before they could fully assess him and consider rehab/wethouse. My dad suffers heavily from anxiety and for him group sessions just weren't an option, I don't know if this is something that all addactions do but I feel like it was a silly option for my Dad and because of it he wouldn't return at all to the meetings. My Dad got very depressed after this and contemplated suicide, he would go missing for hours, walk out into the sea and scare me to death. We decided to go to A&E and talk to someone urgently about his drinking and his depression. At A&E they wouldn't even consider helping with his alcoholism but let him talk to a Councillor and got him some anti-depressants. For 2 months he stayed clear of the alcohol, he found himself a flat, had all the stuff to decorate, he was doing a bit of gardening to help out and then as soon as his move in date was around the corner he started drinking again! This time it was very serious, he went out, didn't come back til the day after, said he got lost, other days he came back with bruises and cuts, black eyes everything saying he had been beaten up. This was hard as my dad has never been a fighter, he's quite a small and thin man and it was heartbreaking. A&E got involved many of times but he didn't want to know them, he then decided that he wanted to live in his car, he actually wanted to be homeless so he could drink and do whatever he wanted. Eventually he got arrested as he had the engine running while intoxicated (he didn't have any intention of driving) and then his car got taken away. There was no more I could possibly do to help him, he'd been to homeless groups, AA, A&E, addaction and nothing helped. Now he is living back in Yorkshire with his Dad and again he stopped drinking for a month as he realised he missed us and wanted to move back down South but now today I have just found out he is in A&E again, he got took there by ambulance as someone found him collapsed. I fear the next phone call will be telling me the worst has happened and I have no idea what to do! I can't do anything more to help!

Comments

Icarus_Trust
24 Sep 2014

Oh my god, that is horrific for a daughter to have to live through.  Not knowing what's happening with you Father... I can't even begin to understand.  I know your Father was getting help, but have you thought about some for yourself?  Addiction, no matter what type or level of it, drastically affects the entire family and all are in need of support.  There is somewhere you can go to.  The Icarus Trust is listening and signposting charity who is here specifically to try and support families who are dealing with addictions.  You can contact that on their website www.icarustrust.co.uk or email them directly via info@icarustrust.org.

I hope this is of some help and you don't get that dreaded phone call any time soon.

BabJi
16 Feb 2015

Hello, 

I'm really sorry you've been dealing with this. Has anything improved since you wrote?

I'm commenting because I'm in a similar situation with my dad.  When he's sober he's great; funny, intelligent, kind, loving and my best friend.  After drinking too much for a long time, he had a major breakdown after the end of a relationship a few years ago where he drank non-stop for months on end, finally ending up in a&e, barely alive. Since then he's got clean and then relapsed again, going through this same cycle at least 3 times in 3 years. I just found him today, he's relapsed again and been drinking solidly for 3 days in bed.  

I share your sense of despair, it seems like there's nothing we can do to help them. I feel so angry with him, so sad that he's hurting and guilty too, for the anger and because I wasn't there to stop him. 

The help of family friends has been invaluable to me during all of his relapses, especially because I'm his only child and he has no parents, his remaining family live far away.  His friends have staged interventions and nursed him back to health while I've been living abroad.  But I know they won't be able to do this forever and he's already lost friends because they can't cope.  

Are there any family friends/other family who can help you? Anyone he respects and might listen to?

Ultimately I think maybe there is little we can really do except try to support them to make their own decision and to encourage them to deal with the root causes when/if they are sober.   But it is so painful to watch them self destruct and sometimes I feel like I'm grieving for him because the real him isn't there when he's like this.

Anyway I just wanted to share my story, no real advice because I don't really know what to do myself.  I guess we just keep going, trying to support them as well as we can and trying to look after ourselves and our own mental health too.  I hope things have improved for you and your dad.

Daughter of alcoholic
8 May 2015

Hello,

Thank you for your response, I wish I could share the good news that I was hoping for; that my Dad miraculously had a change of heart/mind and got better but unfortunately my Dad passed away on the 15/04/15 due to a gastrointestinal hemorrhage caused by alcohol.

My mum an partner have been absolutely excellent throughout the whole of this and without them I really don't know how I would have coped. I also have a one year old daughter and despite the fact I have a broken heart she manages to piece it back together everyday. 

My Dad had tonnes of friends and family who all tried to help him massively, my Dad did want help and he wanted change but unfortunately not only was he an alcoholic but he also suffered with anxiety and depression which meant he simply couldn't attend AA or rehab. His GP and alcohol advisior told him he could only gain help if he asked for it, he asked for it, cried and begged to get better, but the help they offered involved being part of a group and socialising which he could not do! He attened AA once and it made him relapse as he couldn't handle the anxiety and in the end it was a constant spiral round and round again. In the end my Dad decided he didn't want any help and this led to him drinking and drinking and drinking, he even converted from cider (what he drank all his life) to vodka, whiskey and wine and started to steal money.

I really hope that your Dad is not in this position and can seek the help he needs. I also hope you are not faced with the same situation I am in. I also don't really have any advice either, if they want to get better they have to do it on their own unfortunately, no one can make them get better as much as we want them too.

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