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My Dad is going to lose everything if he can't stay sober.

Posted by Rhona on 15 May 2015.

My Dad is an alcoholic.  I am 33, not sure when this started it sometime seems like it's been this way for a long long time but it hasn't, probably about 10 years,few more maybe..
He is the best Dad in the world.  Except for he can't stop drinking when he starts.  He is not violent or nasty or a horrible drinker at all - most people who aren't close to him don't even know about his problem.  He is caring, intelligent, loving he just has an  addiction to alcohol which is ruining his life.  & mine.  and my Mum's.

My problem is split in two - 
1. I love my Dad - want to see him enjoying life, being healthy and keeping my Mum happy which is not easy, she has issues of her own.
2.  I work in the family business which is not easy at the best of times.  

This all came out in the open about 6 years ago - my Dad was arrested for drinking driving.  It was one of the worst days of my life. That sounds over dramatic but it was just awful.  To think of my Dad in a cell.  It broke my heart.  They arrested him at 7 in the morning, they kept him in all day and all night and they took him to the court in the morning.  He was ill without a drink.  He came home shaking.  It was awful.  After this he stopped drinking for about a year I think.
In this time he nursed his elderly Mum and Dad until they passed away - 2 weeks between them.  He was so strong in this time.  

I don't remember when he started drinking again but he did.  And the time he stopped for each time became shorter and shorter.  Now he can stop for 2 - 3 weeks max before he starts again and that's him for again usually a few weeks.
We make excuses for him not doing jobs, things get behind at work.  We soldier on and a soldier on.  My  Mum is  the strongest woman I know.  But we are broken inside.  We hurt every day but don't show it anymore.  We are frightened that if we start to cry we wont stop.  We want to hold our lives together.  
We don't want to give up our life.  But sooner or later if My Dad doesn't take control of this then my Mum will leave home and she will have to chose another path for her life because in the end you only have one life and you must do whatever makes YOU happy.
I don't want her to leave my Dad but I wouldn't blame her if she made that decision.  Life goes on.

I have a plan to become  a Mum eventually.  I hope this works out.  But that is only going to be possible in a couple of years time when my boyfriends work is more stable and we are married.  Right now, day to day is tough at times.  I have hardened myself to the situation most of the time but every now and then - like tonight I have a meltdown and I lose it.

 I feel like my boyfriend and my friends must be so bored with it all too and I don't like to go on about it.  It is always easier looking in on a situation and I guess they would say to my Mum - get out of there and to me - get  new job, distance yourself from it.  But in reality that is a very very hard thing to do when you are always hoping and praying to god knows who that your Dad will stop drinking once and for all,get some help to feel good about himself.

I have cried my eyes out writing this and I can't say I feel any better for it but maybe someone out there sees it, says yes that sounds familiar and says hello.  That would be nice.  I might even copy this and send to my Dad, it can't hurt cant it?..that's one more thing - I'm never sure if i'm doing ' the right thing'  - talking to him, accusing him of drinking,  telling him Mum has had enough, oh my goodness I'm so so tired of this whole situation.
Dog tired.
xx

Comments

Daughter of alcoholic
16 May 2015

Hi, I have been through the exact same thing, unfortunately for me my Dad passed away on the 15/04/2015 but I can share with you some of what I went through in the hopes I can help and the same doesn't happen for your Dad.

Does your Dad know he has a problem and has he tried to seek help before? The hardest part to do is to get them to admit they have a problem and you should do everything in your power to get this out of them; if you feel sending this would help, send it. I also have my story on here, I posted it about a week ago, you could show him that.

You said above that your Dad is a strong character and this is where my Dad differed, he was very weak and gave in easily, he also suffered from anxiety and depression which made it hard for him to seek help. If your Dad is strong make sure you let him know that and let him know of all the things he has achieved and support him through the help if he allows it. 
I tried everything to help my Dad, my Dad also got caught drink driving and was kept in a cell overnight; I wanted him to be detained for months, I know that sounds bad but I think it would have helped - they couldn't do that though. I tried to get him sectioned but I got told he wasn't a harm to himself or others, when he obviously was. 
The only thing that is giving me peace of mind is that I tried everything in my power to help my Dad and I could not have done any more, neither could anyone else that helped him out. They can only help themselves too so just be strong and I hope you and your family see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.
xx

Rhona
16 May 2015

Thank you so much for taking the time to send me a message that means a lot. 
He does know he had a problem only he keeps thinking after a few weeks off the drink that he can handle just one. Every time he comes off it now he says it's the last time and he's knows her must so for good. He has talked to a community nurse this week and has made arrangements to see him again next week with the intentions of getting councellingwhich u really hope he does.  I think depression and anxiety is also an issue for him abs he wants to battle it on his own when he needs help in truth. 

I have a friend who's dad died also died from alcohol and he said the same - to never give up trying to help him,  it's just hard sometimes and i would like to step away sometimes. 

I should say of course i am so so sorry you lost your dad, i hope ike you said i think he will be at peace and rest now after such a hard time. 

I know what you mean about being attested and wishing they could keep him,  i understand your thinking. 

I might show him this.  He is ill today coming off it again. He missed a flight on holiday with my mum because of it and is supposed to be taking a later flight today so fingers crossed. It seems to affect almost everything they do. 

sorry this is a little brief I'm just getting ready to go to their house to dog sit for them. Thank you again. X

Daughter of alcoholic
20 May 2015

Sorry I'm only just replying, I didn't get a notification to say that you had messaged back. It wasn't brief at all however I'm sure you have a million and one things on your mind that you could say.

My Dad used to stop for about a week or two an then think he was fine, he even managed to stop for 6 months and he still wasn't fine... It just shows how damaging alcohol really is. One doctor told me that in reality if my Dad was a heroin addict he would have been much better off as he would have been able to get better help and it would have done different things to his body (not exactly 100% on how true that is).  If he does have anxiety and depression maybe speak to him about trying to get that sorted too; he just needs to be as truthful as he can be when speaking to the counsillors and I really hope he does because then he will get the help and support he needs.

I really wish I could give you something more and be able to tell you where a magic cure is but unfortunately I can't. I understand you'd love to step away, I always wanted to step away but looking back now I'm glad I never because I think that would have haunted me for the rest of my life and I don't want you to feel like that if the worst did happen.
I hope your Dad made in on holiday in time and hope he uses the break to chill and sort himself out for you and your family. I really hope things get better for you soon :) xx

Rhona
20 May 2015

That's really kind of you thank you. 

He did get away and had a nice time it was just a long  weekend break so i think it did them good.  he was sick for about 13 hours i think and then felt sick still for a few more. You'd honestly think they'd learn eh? ! So it's now the time to enjoy him sober and try and keep taking about it and helping him stay off it. I understand he has a meeting with the doctor tomorrow again to talk about some councilling so fingers crossed he goes ahead with that. 

I really appreciate you messaging me when i was feeling really down about it all. I expect you understand I've hardened myself to it quite a bit so those low points i find quite tough now.  

And i think you are right i will never stop trying to help him even though i know he has to help himself. 

Much love to you and yours. Did you yourself ever see anyone to talk it over? X

Icarus Trust
31 May 2015

Hi Rhona,
I am so sad for you and the situation that you are in. Its good to hear that your dad has seen his doctor and hopefully counselling will help him.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that supports people who are affected by the addiction of a friend or family member. It may help you to get in touch with us as we could put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers called 'Family Friends'. These are very experienced at talking with people who are in similar situations to yourself and they would understand where  you are coming from.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this will be a help to you. Good luck!

Rhona
31 May 2015

Thank you for getting in touch. My dad seems to be on track, he has admitted it all now and admitted he can't take another drink without our being a problem so here's hoping he can keep his resolve. 
I feel good about it now so long as he is off it but i might pass your details on to my mum.
Thanks again folks

Icarus Trust
31 May 2015

That's good to hear Rhona.
Hope everything continues to go well. 
You have our contact details if you or your mum needs us.

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