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My fiancé does coke

Posted by Lightbulb on 3 August 2015.

I met my fiancé about 2 and a half years ago and pretty much lived together since we met. Probably a really bad idea looking back.  He had a pretty bad upbringing...dad was an alcoholic and mother with mental health issues.  This all made me want to look after him even more.  I am desperate for some help as I have just left the home we live in together as I could not cope with his coke use.  I feel racked with guilt and sick to the stomach but it is beginning to affect my mental health.  He ignores my pleas with him to stop.  There's random people sleeping over every weekend.  When I read this I know I've been a fool and an enabler (I only just found out what that means). I was very naive to drug use and how it affects people and their relationships.  He only does it about 2 or 3 times a month at the weekends.  I'm not sure if that's a lot or not but it totally ruins our weekends and he's pretty much useless for rest of week.  I end up staying on my own in bed as it depresses me so much.  I earn the majority of the wages and keep payments up on rent etc. I have become very bitter towards him even though I love him dearly.  He has been doing it on and off since he was 16 and he's 37 now.  It feels like I live with a teenage boy and I am his nagging mother.  I have never touched anything not even smoked and he accuses me of being judgmental and that I don't understand why people do it, which makes me feel guilty.  Like I say I have left the home we shared and I am determined not to give him any more money or make it easy for him anymore to live off me.  I don't know what else to do.  He won't admit he has a problem and tells me it's normal to do coke and drink every weekend and that I'm the abnormal one.  I'm not putting him in s good light but he is a  lovely lovely person and when we're in holiday away from it all he's amazing.  Can anyone please help me?  I don't know if I should not have any contact with him or what the best thing to do is.  I have no experience in these matters at all.

Comments

DKWTD
6 Aug 2015

If his drug use is affecting the person who loves and cares about him then it's a problem, despite what he says. I have been where you are with my partner saying that I was the one with a problem as I was so boring and didn't use coke. Luckily we've moved on from this, he changed after I kicked him out then we had counselling, which worked for us. Have you got anybody you can speak to to support you? Is your partner in a place where he would go for relationship counselling to understand how his drug use is affecting you? In my experience with my partner using coke regularly brought out the very worst in his personality and made him incredibly selfish so he didn't care what I thought. Hope it works out for you.

Lightbulb
6 Aug 2015

Hi there.  Thank you for your reply.  I am really hoping that my outcome will be like yours.  We both love each dearly but he really is such a different person when he does it.  He doesn't think it change his personality but it really does and exactly the same as what you said it makes him a very selfish person.  I haven't seen him for about 3 weeks now and I'm moving into my own place mainly just to give my head some peace.  I really think he need to go to counsellin but I think he's too proud to. Can I ask if your partner went to counselling by his own choice or if you had to persuade him to go?  Thank you so much.  It's so nice to hear a happy ending as that's what I would like too and I really want to help him but I know I've not been doing that in the correct manner so far.

DKWTD
7 Aug 2015

Hi, my partner decided to go to counselling, it wasn't drugs counselling though it was relate, but it did help him to listen to me and the effects his coke use was having on our family. Looking back I think he was ready to change and had started to see that his coke mates weren't really friends and he wasn't having the time of his life. Also I had put up with a lot over the years so when I threw him out I really meant it and didn't plan on taking him back, I put my needs and our daughters needs first and that seemed to bring him to his senses. It's been a long process and its only now 2 years later that he can admit the extent of his drugs use ( much more than I thought he was using) hope your partner comes to his senses. Coke/ drug users are very good at conning themselves that they're ok and it's the other people in their lives that have the problem. Just know that you're doing the right thing and put your needs first. Best wishes

Lightbulb
7 Aug 2015

I do appreciate you sharing with me.  It's given me some hope.  I think because I hadn't got a clue about drugs or what went along with it I just didn't handle it very well.  I know now it's the right thing I've done to move out and now it's his choice what he wants to do. Thanks again and much appreciated.

Lightbulb
14 Aug 2016

Well it ended...he chose cocaine and the lifestyle.    I'm guessing the love for cocaine is always stronger than loving a person.

Lightbulb
14 Aug 2016

I will never trust anyone who uses drugs again.  The drugs and their own self will always come first

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