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My mother & brother...

Posted by CT320 on 27 February 2016.

I have such a long story, but will try to shorten it up the best I can. My brother and I are from the same father and mother. They divorced when we were about 3 y/o and about a year old. My father started his own life and got married, had two kids, and moved to another state when my brother and I were about 9 and 11. My mom met my step-dad when I was 7 and my brother was 5. When they were dating my brother and I would go visit my dad in the same state every other weekend then that changed when he moved away. He claims my mother was crazy, but whatever truly happened (because I will never know the truth) my mother was very, very involved in our lives. She was our soccer coach, baseball, football...everything we did she was involved. Of course as I got older into my teens we fought like mother and daughter do. At this point my biological father was not in my life at all. I no longer talked to his parents (my grandparents). My mom would rarely drink. Then the Summer before my Senior year (2005) my brother, mom, and I were in a horrible accident. My mom and I were knocked out and in comas for approximately 2.5-3 weeks. At this time I was 16 y/o, my brother was 14 getting ready to start his HS year and I was getting ready to start my Senior year. Once we woke up we were put in rehab where my mom and I spent our whole Summer. I was released home before my mom since her healing took longer than mine. I started my Senior year 2 weeks late because I was still on a walker and had some other health set backs. My mom missed my 17th bday because she was still in the hospital. Once she got out she had to take time to heal and then started back at her job as an RN. I graduated HS, but my mom started to drink often and it was noticable. We had knock down drag out fights between myself and my parents. BTW my biological father never knew about this accident. My brother fractured his back in the hospital, but while everyone was focusing on us he started in with drugs, fighting and partying as a freshman in HS. My family fell apart after this.The day after I turned 19 I moved out to go to college down South from where I lived. I fought with my parents constantly, still not speaking to my biological father. I ended up dropping out of college, got introduced to the party life and that's all I wanted to do. I moved back up North, worked two jobs to pay my bills, but always made sure to party. Getting drunk and partying helped me to escape from my family issues. When I did move back up North I reached out to my grandparents who are the parents of my biological father. I flew out to see them for the first time in almost 10 years shortly after I turned 21, almost missing my flight because I was so drunk the night before. We grew an extemely close bond and still are to this day. When I came back I ended up getting 2 DUI's, a ticket for driving with no license. Don't get me wrong....I wasn't the best child when it came to school, work, and staying dedicated...I became careless and irresponsible. After, the two DUI's my lease was up at my apt so I moved down South further than before for a fresh start. My mom and I were still fighting, but she was working and a hard worker like I had always known her to be. My brother spent his whole Junior year of HS in a court ordered rehab for all of the trouble he had gotten into with the law. When my mom was mad at me she wouldn't let me go see my brother. mom turned into this person who I hadn't known growing up before the accident. My brother did very good his senior year at a new school. Fast forward 3-4 years and my brother had been in and out of jail, dropped out of college, and I was not working, but found ways to get by. I did a lot of stupid things in my early 20's because I just didn't care about life. for the last6 years my family life was a mess and I was so depressed. After I broke up with my boyfriend (who my parents did not like at all) who I was with on and off for over a year I started picking my life up..I got a job and wasn't AS wild. When we broke up I continued to work at the same job but fit partying into it. 3 months after my breakup I met my now husband. He helped to make me a better person. My brother ended up in jail AGAIN for 3-4 months and then went to a half way house where he is now. My mom has not been able to hold a job down for 2 years this May 2016. She drinks and gets completely smashed. it disgusts me. I am planning my wedding and my mom was supposed to help me with this, but can't keep her word. I check on my brother and he seems to be ok, but my mom can't be there for him the way a mother should be. A lot of this falls on my shoulders because my step-dad is tired of this and has no energy. He does do the best he can to help my brother out while he is in the drug infested half way house.
I have personally sent my mom to detox, rescued her from the house when she was drinking straight and drove her all the way back down to my home twice. I can't even count how many promises she has broken with me. What hurts the most is knowing that my mother was not this person. Alcohol has taken over. Her father passed away 3 weeks ago and although she didn't talk to her siblings they completely shut her out on his death. Of couse she started drinking, but denies it. She won't admit she is an alcoholic or she will but says she does not want to get better. Both of her parents are no longer here and I think she has a lot of unanswered questions. I don't know. I have done more than  most people would do. I can't do this anymore. She calls me every day when she is sober, but I haven't heard from her in over a week. She never acknowledged my pictures that my husband and I got taken. I worry about my brother daily. I want him to have a life and a good one! I want my mom to get help and want it, but that is on her. I have tried Al-Anon, but maybe it wasn't the right group or I just really don't want to join people I don't know because I do not trust anyone. I question everyone I don't know. My mom has caused me to have a huge trust issue, I don't socialize or make friends like I used to, I keep my guard up, and all I want is to start my own life. Stop worrying about things I can not change. It just hurts knowing who my mom is today. Knowing that her drinking addiction was no help to my brother. I believe addiction is very hereditary. I am thankful that my party days were only at that time and I have grown out of it. But I feel guilt because I am ok and they both suffer. My step-dad has tried, but I am pretty sure he is co-dependent of my mother and then there's my brother really trying to get straight and his only true support is 2 hours away (me). When this all began I had no idea how much it would effect me today. Am I broken too? How do I come back from this? I am a happy being with my husband,
 very humble, and caring person because I know what it's like to not feel loved and not to feel cared about. If anyone has gone through something similar can I get your opinion on how to heal? Thank you!

Comments

Icarus Trust
2 Mar 2016

Hello,
I'm really sorry to read your story. It's so good to hear that you have a loving, caring husband who supports you but I'm wondering if you would like to talk with someone who has experience of what you are going through with your mum and your brother.
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that was set up to support family and friends of addicts -people like yourself. We have experienced trained volunteers called Family Friends who you could talk to if  you thought it would help. It is a free service.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you are able to get some help to make sense of all you have been through.

Asibling
10 Jun 2016

Thank you for sharing your story.

It seems there are few services and research done considering the experience of family members, in particular siblings. That is why I am conducting a research project looking at the narratives of siblings, encouraging others like you to share their experiences. If you wish to participate and share your story or would like more information please contact me at u1422721@uel.ac.uk. Thank you.

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