mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli mmmmmmmmmmlli

for
families

We care, for the better.

A place for families, because you don't have to use drugs to be affected by them.

sign in

Sign in to make comments and contribute your own stories. Or click here to register if you've never used the blog before.

Sign In

Want to find a support group? Enter your postcode or town below to find a support group near you.

Find help

Share Your Story

my partner was abusing drugs and my finances

Posted by Kia_Davey_84 on 2 April 2017.

I have written this very simply as going into too much detail is a bit upsetting for me

I posted on here to hope that it can be viewed by non judgemental readers and help alleviate some of my stress.

Partner and I moved in together October 2016 he needed to borrow money off me for the deposit even though we had planned this for months

He went out and bought a £500 TV even though we already had a TV
Things were going well until he lost his job early December 2016, I knew he took coke but just socially every few weeks

he was able to pay me more than half his share with his December pay for rent and bills but had always been short without fail every month even though he already owed me

He spent first 2 weeks of unemployment stoned and staying up all night whilst I just worked away, also I was starting a full time degree course in Feb '17

One day I found £250 missing from my bank account, he had used my card to fund his Bet 365 account and obviously couldn't pay back
He phone me up one night saying he was in trouble and needed £1000 so I gave it to him, he said it would come back the next week
I ended up actually giving him money for coke so he could sell it for profit but this never worked out (£2000 later) he ended up using it all for himself

Still he asks me at least twice a week to fund his bet 365 account
I have become a guarantor for a loan which I have paid back for him every month since he was not able (£160 a month) 

He took m student loan from me and spent my 2 months budget on a night out (cocaine, alcohol, cannabis) 

I can never be able to reasonably excuse why I lend this money, I do feel like there was always a sense of 'coercing' 
Trying to work 36  hours a week and attend uni full time, and still do all the house work and take care of his friends dog 

often leave the house at 7 am and come home to find him in bed until about 6pm, no effort into house no effort to look for a job

he has a job now finally but I am constantly anxious want to cry most mornings/evenings having had no one to talk to about my situation
 
I cant talk to my partner about things as he gets very shut off from me and aggressive when I try to share my concerns

Comments

Icarus Trust
10 Apr 2017

Hi Kia,
I am so sorry to read your post and to know how hard life is for you at the moment. Its very sad that you have no one you can talk to about this but there is help and support out there. The Icarus Trust is a charity set up for people like yourself who are having to deal with a family member or friend's addictions. 
We offer a free service called 'Family Friends'. These are our experienced trained volunteers who you could talk with if you get in touch. Talking things through with someone who understands what you are dealing with might help you make some sense of things and find a way ahead. Its good to talk! Also they would be able to signpost you to other services that are available.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you can get some support for yourself.

TJ
23 Apr 2017

I have just read your story and l can 100% relate to it. I have spent 13 years (2.5 married) with a cocaine addict (the first time l have written it down). I knew when we met that he used drugs, but never knew the extent of the problem, although it has got worse over the years. Perhaps foolishly l thought l would be able to change him or that our love for each other would conquer all!? How wrong could l have been? I dont want to appear negative and l can only talk about my own experiences and of course everyone is different but you may be able to get something from it? Over many years, my now husband has borrowed money from me with the promise he would pay it back ..... never has! My mum bailed him out with a huge amount of money and he still hasnt paid that back in full. He went bankrupt 5 years ago and sought drug treatment and l hoped that would be the thing to change him but still to no avail.  Like most people we have been through quite a lot and he has been a rock to me over the past 2 years since my mum got diagnosed with terminal cancer and since her death last year. However he has often not paid the bills towards our house and there were always excuses, and this all came to a head in the last few weeks/months. A few months ago my dad helped me out to pay some debt off (mostly accrued due to my husband) so l started saving but 3 weeks ago my husband hadnt paid the direct debit for bills. I searched around and finally pinned him down - he is thousands of pounds in debt to various payday loans etc. and dealers. Yet again l helped him out and am so desperate to help him become the man l know he is!!! However l have spent so many years putting my life on hold, helping him out, missing out on, or paying for holidays just so we could go away, not having children (ivf failed) and we cant afford more due to his addiction, paying all the bills - the list goes on! At some point l have to start putting myself first and living the life l want. I guess what l am trying to say is that it is so hard to walk away (have tried many times over the years) and l love him dearly and l am sure in his own way he loves me too. However l am not sure now whether the heartache is worth the pain l feel on a daily basis for all he has put us through. I have become resentful and blame him for all that l havent got/wont have and this makes our relationship that much harder to deal with. People tell me to walk away and make a new life (l am 41 now so not old) but l thought my life was going to be with him and when l said my vows l meant them so its a difficult decision. My advice would be to be honest with yourself - do you want a life where you may never come first above drugs? do you want to never have money or forever be spending it on bailing someone out? Are you happy with your life? Do you feel you could do better and/or deserve better? 

One thing l have learnt in the last week or so is that by lending money, bailing loved ones out you are only fueling their addiction and they are unlikely to really appreciate it. It does not help them as they will always feel as if there is an endless supply of funds and they will not learn how to deal with things themselves. 

My husband has recently admitted to me that he is totally selfish when doing what he does and doesnt think of me or the consequences .... therefore until someone is ready to admit what they are and seek help nothig we can do will help them.

I hope this has been of some help and please dont think l am judging you - l couldnt possibly do that as have been (and still am) where you are.

Good luck x x

TJ
23 Apr 2017

I have just read your story and l can 100% relate to it. I have spent 13 years (2.5 married) with a cocaine addict (the first time l have written it down). I knew when we met that he used drugs, but never knew the extent of the problem, although it has got worse over the years. Perhaps foolishly l thought l would be able to change him or that our love for each other would conquer all!? How wrong could l have been? I dont want to appear negative and l can only talk about my own experiences and of course everyone is different but you may be able to get something from it? Over many years, my now husband has borrowed money from me with the promise he would pay it back ..... never has! My mum bailed him out with a huge amount of money and he still hasnt paid that back in full. He went bankrupt 5 years ago and sought drug treatment and l hoped that would be the thing to change him but still to no avail.  Like most people we have been through quite a lot and he has been a rock to me over the past 2 years since my mum got diagnosed with terminal cancer and since her death last year. However he has often not paid the bills towards our house and there were always excuses, and this all came to a head in the last few weeks/months. A few months ago my dad helped me out to pay some debt off (mostly accrued due to my husband) so l started saving but 3 weeks ago my husband hadnt paid the direct debit for bills. I searched around and finally pinned him down - he is thousands of pounds in debt to various payday loans etc. and dealers. Yet again l helped him out and am so desperate to help him become the man l know he is!!! However l have spent so many years putting my life on hold, helping him out, missing out on, or paying for holidays just so we could go away, not having children (ivf failed) and we cant afford more due to his addiction, paying all the bills - the list goes on! At some point l have to start putting myself first and living the life l want. I guess what l am trying to say is that it is so hard to walk away (have tried many times over the years) and l love him dearly and l am sure in his own way he loves me too. However l am not sure now whether the heartache is worth the pain l feel on a daily basis for all he has put us through. I have become resentful and blame him for all that l havent got/wont have and this makes our relationship that much harder to deal with. People tell me to walk away and make a new life (l am 41 now so not old) but l thought my life was going to be with him and when l said my vows l meant them so its a difficult decision. My advice would be to be honest with yourself - do you want a life where you may never come first above drugs? do you want to never have money or forever be spending it on bailing someone out? Are you happy with your life? Do you feel you could do better and/or deserve better? 

One thing l have learnt in the last week or so is that by lending money, bailing loved ones out you are only fueling their addiction and they are unlikely to really appreciate it. It does not help them as they will always feel as if there is an endless supply of funds and they will not learn how to deal with things themselves. 

My husband has recently admitted to me that he is totally selfish when doing what he does and doesnt think of me or the consequences .... therefore until someone is ready to admit what they are and seek help nothig we can do will help them.

I hope this has been of some help and please dont think l am judging you - l couldnt possibly do that as have been (and still am) where you are.

Good luck x x

You must be signed in to comment. To sign in, use the form to the right, or click here to register if you've never used the blog before.

Submit