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My son

Posted by AmandaA on 11 October 2013.

Oh where to start.  I have had years and years of hell.  My son is 22 a drug addict and has ASD issues.  He lives on the edge of life with no friends, he is homeless, has no money, no purpose and no soul left.  He has ripped me to pieces through the stress of it all.  He bullies me, controls me and blames me for everything.  There are too many incidents, too many traumas to recall.  He has not lived with us for a long time due to his behaviour and dips in and out of homelessness.  I finally reached the end of the road and hope i have the strength to follow through.   I am cutting him out of my life completely, no more meals, no more abuse, no more money, no more paying for places for him to stay when he gets kicked out of his latest place.  I want to take control and want to find myself again as i have got lost in the process.  Its a horrible, lonely, terrifying place to be.  I dont feel guilty, i just feel sad, so utterly sad.  I feel as if i am grieving for a son that is still there but already gone.  I am torn, i hate him but he is still my son.  I know i have to let him go and i am going to try very hard to do that otherwise my health, sanity and family unit will not survive.  We have done everything a 100 times over and nothing has worked.  I want the pain to go away and for the constant black cloud that sits on my shoulder to disappear.  In a short week the support i have had from DrugFam has really helped me and I hope i can continue to find the strength to take control.  If he wont then i have to and he cant be a part of my life.  x

Comments

JoJo
25 Oct 2013

Hi Amanda. I can relate so much to your story. My son is 34 and  your article has been the only one I can truly relate to. I have been through the same as you for 7 years now and I'm now at my wits end. My last tactic and desperation to help him was tonight but in my heart I know that whatever we say or try to do for them will be to no avail. Like you, I don't feel guilty, just so very very sad after all he's gone through with 3 months rehab and slowly slipping back to the addiction. I'm not going to repeat your words, I felt the same as you reading through your story and you are the only person (as a mother) that I have felt a connection with after 7 years of struggling the same emotions as you have. My heart goes out to you and It has helped me to know that I'm not the only one feeling all the emotions that you have mentioned in your story. My thoughts are with you and I hope that in some small way I've helped you like you have helped me tonight after reading your post. Be strong, stay in control and take one day at a time. Bless you. Jo x

Marg60
28 Oct 2013

I am in almost exactly the same position with my 22 yr old  son. We offered a loving and caring home, he was talented and gifted, great at sport and a happy child.  He started smoking dope at 15 and gave it up when it played with his head.  So he turned to alcohol and the effect has been devastating.  He stopped washing, caring and living.  He dropped all his friends and became a recluse living in his room - we have been to youth and adult counselling services with him.  He was taken into hospital for 9 days and weaned off alcohol - but was back on it less than 2 weeks after coming home.  We put down boundaries that he laughed at and in the end we evicted him.  It has broken my heart but I know it was the only way I could keep my sanity and the rest of my family safe.  He is now homeless after being chucked out of 2 homeless hostels for his bad behaviour.  I no longer g

Marg60
28 Oct 2013

ive him money but still wash clothes and  provide food.  Advice is to stop it all and offer no aid but his visits every 3 weeks or so give me some reassurance that he is still alive. He also accuses his dad and me of some very terrible things that are not true.  I just do not recognise this angry, dirty obnoxious person as the little boy I once treasured. I get great support but it is thru spking to other mums going thru this that gives me the most comfort.  To swing from such emotion is shattering I worry about him all the time but once he arrives I just cannot wait for him to go.  I pray now for all us parents in this position and that one day a trigger will happen and our children will come to their senses. In the meantime I will continue to be tough and say no to all demands - including entry to the family home.  I feel so very sad for him and desperate too, but now realise after countless attempts myself that no-one can help him but himself.  Take care other mums xx

AmandaA
28 Oct 2013

Hi to you both
In my sons eyes I am to blame for everything.  Always have been.  Some days I feel so stressed its like being squeezed of emotion by a large snake.   When I see him, i cant wait to get away from him.  Although after an incident a couple of weeks ago i cant see him.  But when I dont see him, I worry too.  I never know what each day is going to bring.  My son does not know where we live anymore, if he did he would be here smashing everything to get in.  We have younger children who are so frightened of him.  I stopped washing his clothes and taking him food as thats the advice i was given.  He gets benefits money and spends it on drugs.  Even though i dont take him food he still does this.  I am glad I am not seeing him at the moment as I think it would be too difficult to deal with.  He is grey, skinny and filthy dirty.  He text me today to tell me that the place he is staying have told him tonight is his last night.  Dont know what that means but have warned him if he behaves badly then he wont have a roof over his head.  Dreading what tomorrow will bring.  Easier to know he is on the streets when the weather is good but when its wet and freezing its not so easy to deal with.  Nobody would believe if I told them half of what I deal with.  Keep strong ladies xx

Marg60
29 Oct 2013

Our stories are so similar it is scary.  My son turned up at 5.50am yesterday morning and I realised then how manipulative he is - coming after a 3 week gap of not seeing him - arriving in a storm to test my emotions.  I fed him and gave him a bag of warm, dry clothes but did not let him in the family home.  He was on the doorstep as I left for work this morning at 7am and this time I stepped over him and just kept going.  I am now - and only now, feeling angry at him for the choices he has made and the terrible state he is in.  My son's face is yellow and puffy from alcohol abuse.  His hands are bruised and swollen from fighting.  I just do not know what to do for the best - I am on first name terms with the homeless department of our local authority, I have spoken to charities and they all say I am doing the right thing.  My brother wants me to get my son committed but I know that 9 days already spent in a unit  did not get him off drink.  Adfam and others are really helpful.  I do not have younger children as such - he has a brother a couple of years younger who is thriving in life and has such a good future ahead of him. They were so close growing up, played in the same football teams and had the same circle of friends.  Sadly he no longer wants anything to do with his brother and sees him as one of life's losers.  There is help out there for addicts who want to change but I fear the longer they abuse themselves the harder it will be to make that change.  I am so worried that winter is now upon us and the weather will be changing soon, if his conduct means he is not welcome at the local homeless hostels I am worried sick he will be found dead of hyperthermia.  I really wish people would understand that giving money straight to many of the homeless just helps them continue to live such a terrible existence.  I would urge all those kind-hearted enough to want to help to give donations to the many charities out there trying to help the homeless.  For the sake of myself and other family members I keep my chin up and my resolve intact, but it is so hard.  x

AmandaA
29 Oct 2013

Very very hard to do what you did.  At least he is not smashing the door down and breaking windows which is what my son would do.  In my experience housing & social services are useless and the systems/services are rancid, failing and flawed.  My son told me last night he is being moved today, dont know where.  He was in a down mood, ive got no friends, i want a life.  My concern is that the services that are there to help dont really help and even when he says stuff like this you have to jump through hoops to get the help and then the moment has passed.  I have tried numerous times to get my son sectioned, they say he is fit.  Its a joke.  There needs to be crisis and reactive management when it is required and people like my son taken to a safe environment where they are given a chance.  Places like this dont exist.  A drug addict is expected to be strong enough to deal with coming off drugs with no friends, isolation, nothing.  Sending them to a drug place a couple of times a week is not enough.  What are they supposed to do the rest of the time?.  The social worker that failed Baby P has been given a £600k payout which appalling.  Rewarding somebody for a childs death is shocking.  She was in a position of responsibility so should be accountable.  It just about sums up everything that is wrong with this countrys social care system.  In the criminal system people get convicted if they do something wrong.  It should be the same with the NHS & Social Services.  My marriage is hanging by a thread so I am really dealing with this on my own.  Friends are supportive but they lead their own lives and dont really get the stress i am under.  I started writing a blog under the name of Mums Voice and on twitter too.  Havent written for a while but it gives you a flavour of what I deal with.  Crossing everything that today might be a good day for you xxx

fifi65
6 Nov 2013

Going to checkout your blog Amanda, like you my son will smash everything in sight, He started dabbling in drug's from 15yrs weed worked his way up to heroin and crack cocaine now.. He got a 6yr sentence when he was 19yrs assaulted someone whilst high on cocaine, He done 4yrs but little did I know he had been taking heroin all the year's he was in prison, that's where the real habit started.. thinking of all you Mother's out there and me, stay strong some of us are given a heavy cross to carry xxx

Lin
6 Nov 2013

Like you all my so grew up in a caring home but turned to drugs after his Dad died when he was 14. By the time he was 18 he was on heroin. He is now 34 and has just come out of rehab, yet again.
Over the years we have paid his rent, bailed him out of God knows how many financial messes and I have realised that he is an emotional bully. He lies and manipulates people to get money for drugs. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. I have reached the end of the road with him and am trying to cut myself off from him but it is really hard. No one wants to think of their child on the streets but what is the alternative? Me in an early grave!

Marg60
7 Nov 2013

Dear mums, it is so tough.  I have come to realise that my son is also a manipulative emotional bully.  I had to do something when the ripple effects of his behaviour were causing harm and distress to everyone in the family.  Addiction is a terrible illness but with it is choice.  I see my actions as fighting the addiction not my son.  I will no longer let my home be used as a cess pit, I no longer have to take my handbag everywhere with me while I am indoors, I no longer walk the streets at night waiting for my husband to come home as I did when my son lived there as I was too frightened to be in the home with him on my own and the list goes on.  This does not stop me worrying about him every single second of the day.  I dream about him all the time and he is the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning.  I want to find the magic wand that will fix it for him and others suffering the same way.  I have come to realise that magic wand is within his grasp - not mine.  Every day of life is precious - I hope we all find the strength to carry on. xxx

vonnie54
23 Nov 2013

Oh dear,new to this sight, wanted to read other mums experience with sons/daughters drug affects on family, my son is stealing any thing he can sell out of my house to feed his habit (heroin) my life has been turned upside down I am broken hearted never thought he would turn out like this ,wanted to know how other mothers deal with this problem  as this is all new to me , tried getting him in a hostel but wont leave ,but am I best keeping him living with me so I can watch him any advise welcome.

Marg60
24 Nov 2013

It is very hard living with an addict and from my experience it will only get worse.  I do not recognise the young man who was once my lovely, caring, funny and clever son.  He is now a dirty, angry, foul-mouthed and shambling wreck of a man at the age of 22.  We made him leave in March, we gave him a letter to say he was homeless and took him to the homeless department of our Local Authority.  He has b

Marg60
24 Nov 2013

een evicted from 2 hostels for his bad behaviour and I was worried sick he wd still be on the streets in the winter months.  However, he called tonight for his personal papers ID etc as he has got another hostel place and is going back on benefits - and this makes me so happy as I now know he must be getting help again.  Happy - what a way really to describe a mother's feelings when she knows a beloved child is living in a homeless hostel - drink and drugs can bring such devastation upon families - I don't think my son will ever change but hope this tiny change may be the glimmer of a new chapter.  I keep praying and hoping for him and all those young desperate people out there who are hooked and cannot escape. Be strong mums for yourself first and then other family members. xx

AmandaA
24 Nov 2013

Vonnie I wd tell him to leave. 'Tough love' - hard to do but only way. I'ts do bloody hard and so shut for us mums. Nobody understands the pain and heartache we deal with.  I worry about my son 24/7 and feel so utterly sad sometimes I think I might break in two. But in learning to deal with and know I'm entitled to a life. contact drug fam. It really will help xx

vonnie54
26 Nov 2013

Thanks mums for your feed back I will take on board what you have said, my prayers are being said for you all ,hope we can all take strength from reading what others are going through ,before I found this sight I thought I was on my own but now I can see so many people who are suffering because of that evil substance god bless  xx

vonnie54
26 Nov 2013

Thanks mums for your feed back I will take on board what you have said, my prayers are being said for you all ,hope we can all take strength from reading what others are going through ,before I found this sight I thought I was on my own but now I can see so many people who are suffering because of that evil substance god bless  xx

Marg60
26 Nov 2013

Lin and Vonnie my heart goes out to you as are both facing such hard decisions. Amanda is right about tough love, she and I have both been there and have suffered accordingly.  You do need to take a stand and say no more.  I rang the local police, neighbourhood safety officer and the homeless dept at the Local Authority just to find out what assistance was out there for my son.  Once I did that it was action stations - we drove him to the homeless unit and he was adamant that he would return home that evening.  He did turn up and we did not open the door to him.  He started a load of abuse and noise  and I had to call the police .  They were great, they spoke to him and warned him of his behaviour.  He kicked off again while they were still there so they took him away and dropped him 3 miles away with a warning to stay away from the house.  The police have (sofar) been back 3 times. He has deffo got the message that I will not permit access to the house - I don't open the door if I am home alone.  He understands now that I meant it when I said his addiction was his problem and his choice.  Only he can make it better - I will help him when he truly tries to get well.  So I continue on a day to day basis with a heavy heart, every siren I hear I think might be him being blue-lighted to hospital.  Every knock on the door makes my heart beat faster and when he turns up he is always rude and obnoxious but I still tell him I love him (normally thru the letter box) - how sad. BUT since he went we are a much more relaxed household and I am no longer scared to be in my own house.  Take care.  M xxxx

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