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my wonderful so is a crack head

Posted by eavy on 12 January 2017.

There iv said it.I can remember the first time my son"at 17 years old"
Came home,after 2 days,it was in the middle of the night.He came into my bedroom,and was crying like a baby.Mum,he said,please help me.I held my son in my arms,and said,ok my darling,tell me what yiu have been taking.I new, at this point,i had to be strong.At the back of my mind,im praying,please dont say the word heroin.That was my worse nightmare.Mum he said,iv been smoking crack and i cant stop.Ok my darling,now stop crying,lay in my bed,im going down staires to make you a xup of tea.Now dont you wory about a thing,cos together we are going to get threw this together.He said ok mum.When i reached the last stair,my legs collapesed underneith me.With all my strength"body and mind"i went to make the tea.That was 30 years ago.I could write a book,about this devil,that refuses to let my son free.My son is handsom,caring,polite,loving,thoughtful.He has never stilen from me.He works hard,and is very clever,and creative at his job.But he works only to buy his crack.There has been many times,he stoped using.One of of them times,was when he got married,and had his daughter"now 11 years old".His wife did not know or realise,his addiction was.Until she could take no more.I wil have to move forward in my story,eaven though i have so much to tell.At this time,my heart is not just broken,its in a thousand peices.My son had a heart attack,not long ago,he nearly lost his life,if it was not for the ambulance people,working on him for 20 min,befor taking him to special care unit.He had a stength put into his artery,so the blood clot cld flow again.I told myself,if this is what it takes,for him to stay clean,then so be it.my son"my life"was back on the crack pipe within 2 weeks.How wrong i was,when i thought my worse nightmare was heroin.I am not the sort of mum,who dont have a clue about drugs,i am very street wise,and my kids,have always been honest with me.But i do realise,that theremust be thousands of mums and dads out there,that dont have a clue,what is going on out there.But right now,i am thinking,may be it is the best place to be.Night after night,i am waiting for a knock on my door,and being told,my son has been found,in the back of his van,cooking up crake,all on his own,and has had another heart attack.When wil this hell come to an end.I feel so helpless.This is the first time i have ever writen this down.And after so many year,s,i am thinking if joining others to talk to someone,whom understands me.

Comments

Tilly
14 Jan 2017

I am like you this is the first time I am seeking help and support from family/parents who Understand what I am going through ....

Broken Mum
20 Jan 2017

Dear Eavy, I can't even begin to imagine the hell that you must be going through. I  don't have any answers - God knows I wish I did, but do you know anything about your son's supplier? I am trying to find a way in which I can confront my daughter's supplier and warn him off, but my daughter is not yet at the stage of having an addiction and so my pain, as real as it is, cannot compare with yours. You say that your son has been able to stop using in the past - do you think that at this moment in time he feels that he has nothing to fight for? His wife has left him and (I assume) taken his daughter. 
I am so far removed from this world and only now am I seeing the 'Devil' as you call it, making its presence known to me. I can't understand how a man with so much love in his life can do this to himself, to you and to his wife and daughter. I started by saying I have no answers and I know this post offers you nothing but love and support. As a mother I know that you will only feel better when you know that your son has turned his back on the crack. So please accept my best wishes and I sincerely hope that you both come through this.

eavy
21 Jan 2017

Dear broken mum
thank you so much for your compationate message,of wich i was very greatful.You did not give much of of an insight as to why you feel like a broken mum.Therefor i can only read between the lines of your message.Thinking back,all them years ago,"i remember very clearly"my very first thought,was to,track down my sons suply,r.But it did not take long,to realise,that this would be completly pointless.Crack was my sons drug of choice,and would find another suply,r in no time at all,so your battle becomes pointless.You menchen that your daughter,has not reached the stage of addiction.This tells me,your daughter may be in denial.I can only presume,that you yourself,are not at all aware,or nore do you have any clue regarding your daughters drug of choice.Your coment,Quote:you can not understand,why,after loosing everything,and him coming from a loving familly ,i can not understand,why this would not be enough to stop him:unquote:.This also tells me,you have no knoledge,regarding crack addiction.If you are able to give me more of an isight,regarding your daughters situation,and indeed,your own concern,s,i would be happy to listen,and support you,.And indeed,answer any questions you may want to ask me.Thank you in advance for your reply.Until then,i can only wish ,you and your daughter well.
Yours in all sincerety Eavy

Broken Mum
21 Jan 2017

Hi Eavy
To answer some of your questions: My daughter does Coke and takes Ecstasy. As far as I'm aware she is doing this on a "recreational" basis. The difficulty is that she doesn't know, I know - I hacked her faceboook account to find out. My concern is that addiction might follow, but how do I talk to her without letting her know how I found out. We were so close once..... I am trying to find a way through this whereby I don't totally alienate her, but can support her and find a way to guide her back to being the person she used to be. 
I am 'broken' because that is how I feel - I've violated my daughter's trust to gain knowledge that I scares me and I don't know how to use that knowledge. 
I am truly struggling with my conscience, I don't sleep, I can't bear to think of my daughter becoming an addict - I need to reach out to her, but how? 
I genuinely hope  that we (you & I) find the answers that we need.

eavy
21 Jan 2017

Dearest broken mum,thank you so much for your speedy reply,and for your honesty.I can completly understand ,how you must be feeling.You say,you want your daughter to be the daughter,she use to be.So you must of seen a change in her behaviour.If this is the case,then that is a good starting point,for you to reach out to her.Tel her of your concern,and tell her,how you have been feeling.She will never have to know how you found out.Please beleive me,the reason you hacked her facebook account,was only because you love her so much.you have done,what any loving mother would do.I also have a daughter,she is grown up and has a son now.It was not until she had a child of her own,to realise,the hurtful things she said and done,when she was a teenager.Teenage girles are so hard to deal with.My boy was totaly opposite.When you feel the time is right,and your daughter shows obviouse change in her behavior,this is your opportunity to reach out to her,support her.You may have to play the waiting game,so be patiant.And remember,your daughter,maybe experimenting like thousands more.I will never,for as long as i can breath,give up on my son.I two am playing the waiting game.I am waiting for my son,to say iv had enough mum,please help me.I honestly feel,that this is a passing phase,.I do hope,that i have given you,some peice of mind.And a way forward,so your daughter will never have to know"what we mothers do"to love and protect them.I wait in antisiption for your reply.I two genuinely hope,that we"you and i"find the answers that we need.And who knows,our conversation may help many other mums.You remain in my thoughts,and "although not very religouse"i still pray to god,and will pray,that you sleep a little better,tonight.Love Eavy.xxxx

Broken Mum
21 Jan 2017

Hi again Eavy
Thank you for this - I am able to take comfort & strength from your words. I do hope you're right and my daughter is 'going through a phase'. For now I will watch & wait and hope. I know that I will sleep a little better tonight, because I feel less alone than I did! I genuinely wish that there was something I could do to  ease your situation, I have nothing but admiration for your strength and determination. Your son is truly blessed to have you on his side, even if he doesn't recognise that fact right now. Take care of yourself.

eavy
22 Jan 2017

Thank so much for your kind words.And please be reasured,that you have indeed,eased my situation,by you"and you alone"responded to my story,despite the fact,you were also,desparate for emotional support of your own.Your reply was to comfort me,and was completly selfless.It was for the above reason,i asked,"in my reply"for more imformation.Thank you seams inadequate,for comforting me,at a time,when i was losing all hope.I sincerely hope,we talk again,but in the mean time,i wish you and your daughter well.You also take good care of your self.Eavy

Icarus Trust
24 Jan 2017

Hi Eavy
Thank you for posting your story. Having to deal with your son's addiction over so many years must be so very hard and worrying for you.
Please contact The Icarus Trust if you think it would help to talk to one of our experienced trained volunteers. We are a charity that provides support for people who are dealing with the impact of a loved one's addiction.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I hope that talking with others that understand will continue to give you comfort. Good luck.

eavy
27 Jan 2017

Im just sitting hear,as i do every day.
from the moment i open my eyes in the morning,until i go to bed,my boy is continuasly in my every thought.So im thinking,this is no life.Im 66 years old,and life should not be like this.Thinking about my son,is weighing me down.When he spent 8 weeks living in my lovly little flat,last summer,I took good care of him,i waited on him hand and foot,made sure he took all his medication"after his heart attack.Turned my little porch way,into a walldrobe.I loved every single day.He went to work every day.Came home,had a shower,got dressed,ate a propper dinner,went to his CA meetings.Home by 10pm,and he was looking great.Such a handsom boy.My heart was bursting with pride.I told my self,this is what he needed,the love of  a a caring mum.I lost count of how many times i told him,how proud i was of him.He managed to save up enough money for a deposite,and a months rent,to move into his lovly new home.I thought it was two soon to leave me,but he felt so ashamed,that he was sleeping with me in my bed.Honestly,i was under no ellusion.But i am a mother,who,s son is a crack head.I can believe,how i have got through the past 18 years.Theres nothing i dont know about crack"or the devil i call it".I am aware,that ,nothing can help my son,and the only thing that makes him feel normal,is the crack pipe.As iv said,in a previouse post,it,s a waiting game.But surly,this hell,must come to an end soon.Cos the thought of me burying my son,is two much to bare.There must be so many mums dads sisters and brothers,sharing this hell.My heart aches for each and every one of you.Just wanted to talk,so thanks for listening.Eavy.PS.MY THOUGHTS ARE STILL WITH BROkEN MUM,And hope she is ok,.

Suzy
30 Jan 2017

Hi Eavy, I totally understand your predicament. My Son is alone also, using crack and heroin, plus drinking and using prescription drugs now and then. I am also waiting for the knock at the door. It is only when you have lived through this, with a loved one that you can truly understand the torment, worry and misery that we suffer also. My Son like most peoples is handsome, witty clever compassionate and very loving, ONLY when he is stable on a methadone or subutex prescription. At his worst he is snidey, untruthful, aggressive and manipulative. I like yourself, have a very difficult job. I love my Son with everything I have but I don't love what he does to himself me and my daughter. I have had to cut myself off from him because it is making me ill. I am on heart tablets and sometimes after seeing him feel so physically ill. He has been to rehab twice, second time my elderley parents remortgaged their home to send him to South Africa for 12 months detox and rehab. I am a Drug Counsellor yet I cannot help my own son. At the moment he lives alone, he is adament it is everyone els's fault that he uses, His viens are a mess, he is forgetful and allows other drug users to squat at his place. I don't talk to him daily anymore, I have chose to stay away from his flat because I can't stand to see what he is doing to himself. I have now resigned myself to the fact that what will be will be. I pray to almighty God he can be given another chance to grasp help, and come back to me as my one and only Son. So yes Eavy, we know what it is like to suffer because of our children. x

Broken Mum
30 Jan 2017

Hello again Eavy, Hello Suzy, 
People visiting this message board do so to find comfort and solutions, but the more I read, the more I realise that there are no solutions. I want so much to wipe away the pain and suffering that these addictions bring to the individual and (more so) the families of the addicted.
Eavy - I decided to confront my daughter and while she has not been completely honest with me she has admitted to taking certain drugs. I now need to work hard at re-building our relationship, I only hope that I have reached her in time.
Again I have nothing but the deepest admiration for you and others like you. Thank you for your concern and know that you are in my thoughts. I just wish I could do something more practical to ease your pain.

eavy
31 Jan 2017

Dearest broken mum,i am so happy,to hear from you.And more than happy,that you have reached out to your daughter.Dont be to let down ,that she has not been completely honest with you.She will take little steps at first.She will,i am sure,take comfort,that she can now confide in you,and that her mum,will support her,no matter what.You have done so well.And i am touched,to hear from you again,thank you.you remain in my thoughts,and in my pray,s.Please keep in touch.Eavy.xx

eavy
31 Jan 2017

Dearest Suzy,thank you so much for your post.Your story is heart braking.I can not remember, ever reading such a tragic story.I often wonder if my son also dose heroin,as it seems to go hand in hand with crack.He knows that heroin is my worse nightmare.Having said that,the crack is the devil"as i call it".He is now at the stage,that crack is the only thing,that makes him feel normal.What makes it so hard to bare,is that,there is nothing us mums can do,to save there lives.My son is on my mind 24 ,7.And waiting for that knock on the door is like torture.I also have a daughter,7 years older than my son.She is anti drugs.And finding it so hard,watching her brother,deteriorate over the past 18 years.I seem to spend all my time on line,looking for answers.By now,i realise,that i am never going to find any answers.But still i dont stop looking.So Suzy,the only comfort i am able to offer you,is that you are not alone.Suzy,do you often wonder"as i do"how many mothers,fathers,brothers,sisters,nan,s,grandads"could go on"whom are going through this hell.My son went to thiland a couple of years ago.My brother paid his fare.He spent 6 months over there,lived with his dad"been divorced many years"i thought,this was going to answer all my prayers.After a short time there,his dad rang me,to say he is heavily drinking and caused trouble where ever he went.I new then,that if it were not crack he was addicted to,it would be something els.He has lost his 11 year old daughter yet again.So once again Suzy,remember you are not alone.Who knows,what the future will be for us.But please keep in touch,and look forward to comforting one another.And just before i conclude this post,does it comfort you,being a drugs councillor,and do find it  rewarding.I myself was thinking,maybe i should    
Help mums like us.Dearest Suzy,my heart breaks,to know,how you are suffering,.If only i could do more to comfort you.In all sincerity y.Eavy

Maxx
8 Feb 2017

Hello Eavy, I'm so sorry to hear about your son and how it impacts on your life, i can't imagine how it feels to have been dealing with it for so long I can understand some of your feelings and i expect most of the other family members on this site. My heart goes out to you I know it won't help but ... xxx       My son has been an addict for 10 years he will be 30 this year as far as we know he uses so called legal highs and weed, he has lost everything his business his relationship and his friends the only thing he has left is his little dog that we have to look after for him. He blames everyone for how his life is. We try to have him at home (everyone says leave him to sleep on the streets and to hit rock bottom lord know what that actually is though ... ) It's heartbreaking we go through the same cycle he comes home takes his drugs sleeps for a week  I get angry go through his stuff (I know it's wrong ) we've tried it all chucking the stuff away when we find leave it where it's been hidden and check how much he's taken etc (he's very convincing if you ask him what he's taken he will say nothing that's he's been clean for weeks etc) and then starts getting argumentative then abusive angry which ends up with him leaving shouting no one cares or does anything for him etc goes of for a week turns up at the house all hours if he doesnt get a warm welcome give a bit more abuse and storms off. He's been in trouble with the police they always call the mental health unit he has been sectioned a few times but each time nothing happens and the hospital say it's drug related to they discharge him and we start again. He was at home for Christmas and the whole family got on great we replenished again all of the stuff he'd 'lost' while out on the streets, I though maybe this is the turning point we looked after him he was starting to look well we could even have a bit of a conversation with him I said to him about how well he was looking and maybe he should try and get some help with the drug addiction and he seemed to take notice. But then the cycle started again, it sometimes feels to me he doesn't want to have what we class a normal life but he does want us there to provide for him and food/shelter as long as it under his terms. Since New Year he got so obnoxious that i told him he needed to sort something out he'd outstayed his welcome (that haunts me every time i think about it) he left for a few days came back got worse then left slept on the streets got in trouble with the police had mental health assessment been in court it just never ends. His brother get really annoyed with us for taking him back all of the time but it just feels so wrong knowing he's sleeping rough i know these are his choices and i get frustrated that we have to live this life along side him it feels there is no way forward this is the life we have to live just waiting for the knock on the door. My heart goes out to you all Eavy Suzy and broken mum just reading the blogs makes you realise your not alone xx

eavy
8 Feb 2017

Dearest Max
Thank you so much for your reply,and kind words.I am so sory,that you two, are having to deal with your sons addiction.It is indeed,a very lonly place to be.It,s easy for others,to say,you should use tuff love.But  if they have never been through,this hell,they could never understand,why we do what we do.I myself "since my sons addiction"have never judged no one.I myself,will stand by my son,till my last breath.But i wonder,would i still feel the same,if my son,did not work,sleep on the streets,abusive to me,blame me for his addiction,come,s home every now and then.Who knows,how much, one can suffer.I do know,that these legal high,s,are very addictive.And the trouble is,they have to have more,"as like crack"its the only thing that makes them feel better.It,s a never ending jurney.I think that maybe talking to others"on hear"that keeps us sane.U would not wish this life,on my worse enamy.you wil see, by my previouse posts,that,not eaven a heart attack,could take the devil off my sons shoulder.But some how he is still working,and paying his rent,for his lovly little place.I think i could write a book,of how life has been,for the past 18 years.So many people,have turned to legal high,s,owing to the low cost.But so addictive.I wish i was able to offer some comfort to you Max,i truly do.But it seems,that we can only;tell one another of our heart ache.And my heart aches for you.Life should not be like this.Some times i wait and wait,for reply,s to my post.So i was so greatfull to receive yours Max.So please keep in touch.Until then,xxx take care,and know,that i am always ready,to listen.And as you say,your not alone.Love Eavy.xxx

Mrs P
19 Jul 2017

My heart aches reading these stories, my son is just 20 and heading in the same way he is my only son and also was a lovey handsome boy with everything to live for , my heart is broken and don't know how I'm going to cope but reading these stories make me feel not so alone , it's good to share , thankyou x

eavy
22 Jul 2017

Hi mrs p,i do indeed understand your suffering.And every so often,i feel i need to talk about my heartach"regarding my adorable son.since my last time visiting this site,unfortunatly,there has been no improvement with my sons addiction.If anything,it has got worse.But i stil maintain,that i will "as a mother"be hear for him.But will never enable him in any way.I have "over the past 20 years"realised,that there is only one chance for him to overcome this desease,and that is,when my son has had enough.As i have said,i am not a religouse person,but i will pray for you,just as i pray for my son.Take care,and i wish you and your son well.And thank you so much,for the time given,to read my post.As i do not receive many reply,s,when i need them most.So i remain greatful,and look forward to talking again.Until then xxxxx

eavy
22 Jul 2017

Hi mrs p,i do indeed understand your suffering.And every so often,i feel i need to talk about my heartach"regarding my adorable son.since my last time visiting this site,unfortunatly,there has been no improvement with my sons addiction.If anything,it has got worse.But i stil maintain,that i will "as a mother"be hear for him.But will never enable him in any way.I have "over the past 20 years"realised,that there is only one chance for him to overcome this desease,and that is,when my son has had enough.As i have said,i am not a religouse person,but i will pray for you,just as i pray for my son.Take care,and i wish you and your son well.And thank you so much,for the time given,to read my post.As i do not receive many reply,s,when i need them most.So i remain greatful,and look forward to talking again.Until then xxxxx

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