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no more forgiveness

Posted by tired and weary on 30 January 2015.

This feels like  a betrayal to my daughter but there really is nowhere else to go. My beautiful, sweet, blue eyed baby girl turned into a deceitful, lying, thief around 8 years ago, when she was 18. We did not realize that she was addicted to heroin although we knew that her partner was. The pieces of burnt foil, the stench, the pens all over the place, gave the game away, but she always denied it was her, always said it was him. Then baby number 1 came along, she was living with us at the time, with our other 2 children in the house too. Never dreamed that her behaviour was due to heroin addiction, thought it was due to post natal depression and the fact her partner and her were going through a bad patch. Then things went missing, money, jewellery, things that I had for years, then I caught her, trying to score in front of her sleeping baby. Cannot describe the pain I felt. After a few years, many arguments and the total loss of trust, she moved out, she was on a rehab programme and taking subutext, she then fell for her 2nd baby. Once again she swore she was not using and that it was all down to him, everything started all over again and when her son was born, she went back on the rehab programme. All the time we supported her, the arguing was a waste of time, so a different approach of trying to understand and empathy kicked in. More stuff went missing, more lies, more tears, more begging for forgiveness, then baby number 3 was on the way. We found out her partner (the same partner) had been assaulting her, beating her, in front of the children, he was arrested and fined. He then got a custodial sentence for possession of drugs. Social services became involved, my daughter was sent on all sorts of courses to help her identify controlling and abusive behaviour in others, I ended up paying for psychotherapy and she convinced everyone she was through with him. She has been "clean" for months, although I know this is not the case. He was released and within hours they were back together, more lies, no shame, no conscience. We have spent thousands on her to get her better, we have brought up her children, we have tried to keep him away from her. Everything has failed. I now feel there is nothing more to do, than to cut her out of our lives. I am dying inside as I will not see my beloved grandchildren, they are already learning to lie and cover up for their shameful mother. My beautiful, sweet, blue eyed baby girl, has evolved into a selfish, thieving, lying woman who has shattered our lives. I just cannot forgive anymore.

Comments

Icarus Trust
30 Jan 2015

I  really feel for you, it  must be terrible for you to be in the position you are now after all you have dealt with over the years. If you feel it would be any help to talk to people who have had lots of experience of what you are going through you could contact The Icarus Trust.
We are a charity which supports the families and friends of addicts. Sadly there are lots of people like yourself who are suffering from the impact of another's addiction.
We have trained volunteers called 'Family Friends' who you could talk to. You might it helpful to talk through what you have experienced and how you are feeling with someone who would understand what you have been through.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
I hope that you can find some support for yourself.

tired and weary
31 Jan 2015

thank you so much for your kind words I will indeed seek further help x

Icarus Trust
2 Feb 2015

That's good to hear. Good luck!

fifi65
10 Feb 2015

This is no betrayal to your daughter, the only one who has been betrayed is you !! I feel your pain in every word, you have give it your all, there's no pain like it, its a living hell to watch your child become a deceitful lying addict, its good to vent it out on here, no one can judge you, were all in the same boat..Be kind to yourself, I have Hated my son at times, and there's things i will never forget.. Forgive well thats a different story : ( I hope somehow you find a little piece, and your daughter finds the strength  to kick her addiction once and for all xxx

fifi65
10 Feb 2015

* Peace !! xx

Springtime
17 Feb 2015

Hi I feel like I am reading about myself here only I am at the beginning of this horrendous journey.  My beautiful daughter has turned into a manipulative,  selfish person who I no longer recognise due to the last 5 years of drug and alcohol abuse. The last 10 months her family and lots of support workers have tried to help her get her first born daughter (our granddaughter) back home with her but she has relapsed fully losing everything around her and now living with the latest drug addict boyfriend.  I need to move on with my life now as it's taken a toll on my health,  marriage and relationships with my 2 other children.  But the guilt is hard to deal with and the realisation that only my daughter can change. ..I can't do it for her. Thank you for sharing your experience. ..even if for the fact I don't feel as if I am the only parent in the world going through this.

Springtime
17 Feb 2015

Hi I feel like I am reading about myself here only I am at the beginning of this horrendous journey.  My beautiful daughter has turned into a manipulative,  selfish person who I no longer recognise due to the last 5 years of drug and alcohol abuse. The last 10 months her family and lots of support workers have tried to help her get her first born daughter (our granddaughter) back home with her but she has relapsed fully losing everything around her and now living with the latest drug addict boyfriend.  I need to move on with my life now as it's taken a toll on my health,  marriage and relationships with my 2 other children.  But the guilt is hard to deal with and the realisation that only my daughter can change. ..I can't do it for her. Thank you for sharing your experience. ..even if for the fact I don't feel as if I am the only parent in the world going through this.

tired and weary
16 Mar 2015

springtime, I know how you feel about the guilt, have spent years with that hanging around my neck, but over the last 6 weeks I have actually managed to kick guilt away. My daughter is having psychotherapy, she is also on a power to chose course through social services, to help her identify abusive and controlling behaviour and I have noticed a difference in her, she is being tested every week to see if she is clean, so far so good, but early days. Learning to put yourself first is the hardest lesson of all. My heart bleeds for you not having your grandchild around, but she will realise when she is older that things were not of your making. You are definitely not the only one going through this, please let the guilt go away, you have done nothing wrong, your daughter is totally responsible for her choices. xxx

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