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Not just us

Posted by Notjustme on 3 November 2015.

Hi everyone
I am new to this and writing because it is something I have needed to do for ages.
I want to tell my story but it is a very long one, so I am going to strip it down.
My son is 30 years old but he's been smoking cannabis (and doing other things with it too!) since he was  a teenager.
I never condoned his habit- I have always taken the tough love approach, never giving him cash (ok-there have been times- he's very manipulative) and he left me to go and live with his dad when he was 16 because his dad was softer than me). I always thought that if left alone one day a light would come on and he  would see things clearly- but he has now been taking cannabis for half of his life and I cannot see that it will stop.
In short he is a wreck- he gave up his job- he has no where to live, he  has never been in a stable relationship and his 'friends' are leaving him. I haven't seen him for three months or heard from him in weeks, but I know he's ok because he still has a bolt hole at his dad's, although he spends most of his time riding around on his bike and sleeping outdoors. He doesn't claim any benefits and won't engage with health services.
He has always lived in a fantasy world where cannabis will be seen to cure all diseases known to man and that it all he needs to live on.
He has cut all contact with my side of the family and including his own sister, but he  thought  a lot of his paternal grandad who died recently. I went to the funeral yesterday and my son didn't turn up. It didn't surprise me but now it seems he doesn't want contact with any of the family and his dad seems to be the only person he has regular contact with, but his dad has mental health problems of his own and isn't coping very well.
Just now, I am back to where I always finish up, feeling absolutely frustrated and isolated.
I know there are lots and lots of parents out there with adult children who never seem to have grown up. I can stand up and say maybe it s my fault that he turned out that way- but is it also my fault that there is nothing I can do about it?
I fear for my son's welfare and well being. I think that is normal. I have had endless counselling sessions that have tried to make me see that I should detach and let go, but we are not robots. I am divorced from my husband but I cannot, and will not, divorce my own child. I know I am not on my own- it isn't just me- it isn't just us.

Comments

Swifty
17 Dec 2015

I am in a similar situation, my friend. I could never Divorce my Son either. Tough love is all very well and good, but having worked in Mental Health for over 25 yrs, we have to remember, every Person is different, what works for one doesn't work for another. Just let him know you love and care for him and never blame yourself. There are many of us in just the same Boat xxx

Icarus Trust
11 Jan 2016

I am really sad to read your story and hear how isolated you feel in this horrible situation.
I work for the Icarus Trust, a charity that supports the families and friends of addicts. If you think it would help talking through with one of our experienced,  trained volunteers please get in touch with us. They may also be able to signpost you or your son to other available support.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.

Worriedpartnerx
11 Jan 2016

Im sorry to hear how alone you are feeling. I can assure you that you aren't alone. My partner is heavily dependent on cannabis and everything has chamged because of it, his mood, our relationship, his relationship with our daughter. He spent money given to her on drugs and everything he needes in order to smoke cannabis, i can not bring our 3month old around him when he has drugs/is high so i mostly feel like a single parent. Me and various other people have spoken to him about quitting but i think he feels attacked and gets defensive. I feel like it is a lost cause. My situation differs slightly from yours but I do.understand xxx

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